Robin Williams: Live on Broadway

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Robin Williams.

Thank you.

Oh please!

Sit the fuck down!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, my little salmon-headed friend.

Okay. Good night. Thank you very much.

Thank you for the standing ovation.

You made me orgasm up front.

Let's have a cigarette,

let's relax.

We're here in New York,

fucking New York.

Yes.

Obviously this is not going to be

your normal night of theater.

This will be Shakespeare with a strap-on.

So that's the way you like it.

Right here on Broadway,

in the Broadway Theatre,

a place where an asshole would go,

"I like big butts,

I don't know why."

or Carol Channing could go,

"What if God was one of us?"

Welcome to my lovely set,

which is from the musical Fantastic Voyage,

or maybe The Last Thing a Clitoris Sees.

I'm over here.

I'm down here.

This is brought to you by HBO,

which is a subsidiary of Time Warner,

also owned by America Online.

You've got mail.

I hope you don't have stocks.

Now, welcome.

Don't be afraid.

It was so reassuring the other day.

George W. Bush talked to the stock market

and.

Kinda... it must be...

Him talking about business ethics is kind of like

having a leper give you a facial.

It doesn't really work.

Oopsie.

"A lot of our imports come from other countries."

No shit, Jason.

Whoopsie. Moving right along.

Meanwhile, Michael is protesting.

Uh, uh, ow.

I don't know, baby.

It was strange enough when Michael was the best man

at Liza's wedding. That for me was like,

"You're pushing the term, my man."

That was a pretty short list.

Oh, was Richard Simmons hunting?

What happened?

What were you doing? "I'm the best man, uh, uh."

But now, Michael is claiming racism.

I'm going, "Honey, you got to pick a race first."

Uh-uh.

Baby...

what are you claiming?

Mistreatment of elves?

What are you saying?

Girl, you got to pick a gender, too.

What are you going for? You were Diana Ross.

Now, you just left it all behind.

Uh-uh. Wasn't it you who said,

"Jew me, sue me, kike me, kick me, whoa."

No. Too late, babe.

And Michael, you're not-

you're not a freak.

You're just, you know, well,

surgically enhanced,

and you've spent more money than the Vatican.

So let's not talk right now.

Shh. If you go to Neverland,

it says, "You must be this high to ride Michael."

Shh.

Obviously, people and the lawyers

for HBO are going, "Fuck."

But how fucked up you have to be

for Al Sharpton to go, "I'm outta here, man."

Goddamn.

Whoo.

Yeah, baby.

If Al Sharpton bails on your ass,

even rats are going,

"Man, that guy is queer."

From the Don King School of Hair Processing.

He's running for office in Idaho

on the what-a-fucking-wild-crazy-

chance-in-hell- you'll-be-elected ticket.

This isn't- Sorry, my lips just went,

"Why'd you do that?"

Couple of dyslexic people went,

"Thank you, Robin."

Thank you.

We were worried about the Pledge of Allegiance.

We were going to say, "One nation under dog."

It's okay.

I know people are going, "I've got a cure for this.

I'm thinking, "One nation under Canada,

above Mexico."

Yes.

Yeah. But then you have to do

the whole other... there's anthems like,

Instead on a dollar bill,

instead of, "In God We Trust,"

"In Gates We Trust."

"Mr. Gates, when did you realize

you were creating a monopoly?"

"Monopoly's just a game, Senator."

I'm trying to control the fucking world.

Don't you see Windows Millennium?

Windows Millennium ME,

it's all leading to Information Technology.

Soon it'll be Total Information Technology, TIT.

And when you're sucking on the tit,

"I have you by the motherboard."

Don't be afraid.

But it's a nice day in New York, my people.

It's a beautiful day.

New York Police have a catch and release program.

Way to go.

Stop!

Okay. Go on again.

You there, get the fuck...

get the fuck out of here.

I like New York on a day like today.

I mean, for a while, you know,

everything would be like, "Are you okay?"

And now, people back to being New Yorkers, like,

"Have a nice day, asshole."

"Fuck you, my friend.

Enjoy your day."

But the most beautiful thing about a day like today

in this New York is that the ladies

take the twins for a walk.

Oh, yeah, the titties are out today.

On a hot day all the titties are out there.

And then the titties like God

made them going.

Beautiful titties, all different shapes and sizing,

and women running, and they're going,

"Hummana, hummana, hummana,"

and then they hit a breeze and chicken's done.

Yes.

Yeah, baby.

These are not like the tits in Vegas,

where even God goes,

"I didn't make those."

Weird tits, you know, fake tits are like Nazis.

They don't laugh, they don't dance,

they just.

I'm walking here.

I've seen a woman turn and the tits stay there.

Babies, lucky they don't have any teeth

because they'd knock them out.

I've seen tits that are really bad,

like they had the nipples on the top.

It looked like Kilroy.

But don't talk to me about the...

when you go up Madison Avenue

you see some hardcore surgery like

I'm so scared, but I can't express it.

These are the ladies who've had so much surgery,

they're going, "What are these lumps under my eyes?"

"Those are your tits, madam."

"And what's this?" "Don't ask, Mrs. Trotsky.

Don't ask.

"This is good news for you."

And girls getting Botox injections,

so, "I... Look,

I don't have any wrinkles."

"You also have no expression.

You look like you've had a slight coma,

but you're beautiful."

All this amazing transformation.

When guys say to you,

"Baby, I want you to get

your tits done for me, okay?

Uh-hmm.

Do it for me. Do it for your daddy man."

And you say, "Okay, daddy man."

Then I want you to get your balls done for me, okay?

I want you to get those big old

Voit basketballs.

So when you do the Baywatch thing,

"it's like."

Nothing drives a woman crazy

like a big old Easter basket on her bunny.

So when you go to the... you go to the doctor,

Girls.

Payback's a bitch. Go for it, girls.