Sweet Sixteen

- Who wants a show? - Me!

25p a go, pay Pinball.

Get in a line. First in. Get in the back, you. Move. Money.

Do you not want a shot? Get in the queue.

- Have you paid? Sure you've paid? - Aye.

- See anything? - Aye.

Time's up.

See the big one? That's Saturn.

- You see it yet? - No. Still stars.

- Still stars. - There?

- Still stars? - How about now?

Still stars.

That big one's Saturn. You can tell by its rings. Next.

Who's paid?

Pinball, have they paid?

Aye. They get five seconds because they paid half.

- What do you see? - Stars.

I'll put it in your pocket.

- I'm putting 25 pence in your pocket. - Get out there. Move.

You know how long a day is up there?

- Ten hours, 14 minutes. - Aye.

- Fuck-all time up in Saturn. - There's not much time, young man. Next.

There you go, mate.

- You looking for any cheap fags? - What kind are they? No.

- Make you look better than you already do. - No, thanks. Not my kind.

- Hiya, ladies. - Do you want to buy any cheap fags?

These will prevent heart disease.

Here, mate. Over 60, even help you with a hard-on. Ladies.

Right. Thanks for doing business.

Cheap cigarettes?

Cheap fags?

Tom, the wee boys are back in again.

Hey, youse two! Come on. That's two or three

times you've been up here flogging stuff.

We're keeping your customers satisfied.

Out the door, Simon and Garfunkel, out youse go!

Don't get in a strop, you cunt.

You want some. eh? Here's to you. Mrs Robinson.

- How you going? - Fucking buzzing, man.

- Magic. Empty bag. Empty bag. - Do you want this load?

- Shit. It's the coppers. - Bastards.

What do youse want to do? Want to stand about?

- Hold on a minute. - Where are you going?

What's he doing?

All right, mate?

- Is it all right to go, son? - Brand new. Aye.

What the fuck...? You little bastard! You wee bastard!

Oh, fucking brilliant! Super fuck.

Don't you use your fucking mirrors?

- How am I suppose to see that? - Fucking hell. Look at the state of it!

- It's a fucking gateway! - For fuck's sake. Where's my helmet?

It was... There's the wee bastard with your helmet.

- He's coming! Go! - Stop!

- Stop! - For fuck's sake, man!

Give it up, boys!

Stop!

Christ, look at the time.

Do you know what time it is, eh? Do you know what time it is?

We're late! That's what the time is, you little prick.

What did I tell you? Do you never listen?

- Where were you? - Out.

- Is that all you can say? Out? - Your granddad's talking to you.

You know your ma's gonna be worried sick.

She's gonna be sitting wondering where the fuck we are.

Put that in your mouth.

- Top of your teeth. - Tell him to fucking do it.

Do as you're fucking told! I've had enough of you today. Stick it up in your gums.

Press it in. Flatten it.

OK. The other side.

Let's see it. Look at me.

Smile.

I said fucking smile!

That's better. Looks like a friendly wee hamster.

Right. When we get in there, right... Happy families, OK?

I'll go for coffee.

Come back with the coffee.

Wee accident. Coffee spills.

I jump up, Granddad jumps back. Right?

In all the confusion, you kiss your ma, pass it over. Have you got that?

That looks nice.

Take your cap off.

Thanks. Spread out your arms.

That's great. Cheers. Grab your stuff. Table five, guys.

- Hi, son. All right, Dad? - All right, darling? How's it going?

- Good to see you, hen. - All right, angel face?

How are you doing? Did you think we were not coming?

It's good to see you. We got a bit held up.

Liam. Liam?

All right.

Liam, what are you sitting over there for? Come over.

His face has been tripping all the way over here.

How are you getting on at school?

- School?! - He's a right regular wee scholar!

He's not been inside school for nine months.

So who fancies a wee cup of coffee?

- Aye, I'd love one. - Milk and one sugar?

- You remembered. - I'll have a wee one.

- We've missed her, son, haven't we? - Aye.

You all right, Mum? What's wrong wi' ye?

- Come on, you can tell me. - I'm all right.

- Somebody giving you a hard time in here? - No.

- Are you clean? - You know I've been clean for years.

- What are you saying that for? - What the fuck is this all about, then?

Stan set it up. It's for the women in here. It's not for me.

Ma?

Stan set it up for the women and he gets a fortune off their boyfriends.

You're caught with this, it's six months minimum.

You can't last another six months in here.

- Do they strip search you? - They pick a couple of us at random.

What are you going to do if they pick you?

Just swallow it. I've done it before.

This isn't going on anymore. It's finished.

- What are you gonna do? - You took the rap once for that bastard.

He's gonna be pissed off when I don't do this.

Whatever he says, don't get upset.

- Liam, don't start. eh? - Mam...

- Oh, for fuck's sake, man! - Liam, give your ma a hug.

Got a cloth? Sorry about the language.

I cannae believe me sometimes. I'm like a bull in a china shop.

I can't believe I just did that. Here. Drink your coffee.

Rab, go and get us another cup.

I'll sit with my wee friend here.

What do you think of your boy?

Wanna give your ma a kiss?

Fucking tell him.

Give your ma a kiss.

Gramps, don't we have a laugh with him?

Och, a laugh a minute. A right comedian. Don't need the telly when he's about.

Kiss your fucking mother.

- See ya later, Ma. - Liam, please don't.

Listen. If you don't kiss your mother goodbye, you little cunt,

I'm going to beat your fucking arse all the way home.

Kiss your fucking mother, you little cunt!

Stan, calm down.

- See you later, Mum. - Liam?

Let him go.

Do you know how much that's fucking cost me? Do you know how much?

Give us the gear.

- You want the fucking gear? - Hand it over.

- Fucking get the gear! - You little fucker!

Don't hit him in the face. His fucking ma will see it. You fucking idiot!

Fucking idiot.

Whoa! That's fucking enough. You fucking idiot, you.

- Come on. - That's enough. Where's the fucking gear?

Next time you'll be walking like Charlie Chaplin!

I'll break your legs, you wee cunt!

It never went as far as that.

Fuck, he threw it over the fence there. Ah, you bastard!

For fuck's sake! A fucking Laurel and Hardy fucking family!

- Get over the fucking fence. - My fucking balls is caught, you cunt!

Fucking feeble, you cunts!

Just you wait!

- Hi, Liam. - Hi, Hazel.

- What's wrong? - Nothing, hen.

You sure?

Been keeping an eye out for you. You all right?

Liam?

Sure?

Take a bag. I phoned Chantelle, she knows we're coming.

Hey, boy!

That's your lot. Get it, get to fuck, and don't came back near this door again!

My fucking caring grandfather, eh?

My own fucking flesh and blood. Bastard.

I love your fucking grandpa. He's so funny.

Here. you old bastard. How's your balls. you cunt? Are they sore?

- You'll give the place a bad name. - Shut up.

Did you dye your hair as well, Blondie?

- Who was that? - What was all that?

- They started it. - Don't forget I've got to live here.

- Hello. - Get in.

Hi.

Stop staring!

- Who's the bird? - The bird can speak for herself, wee man.

Sorry. Wee man?

- It's Suzanne. - That's a nice name.

That's my brother Liam and his pal Pinball.

- I met Suzanne at my night class. - What night class?

- The call centre one. - That one we were going to do.

Oh, that 0800 one!

Oh, where are you going?

There's no rush. Sit down.

I can stick the kettle on.

It's all right. Chantelle, I'll phone you.

- I'll phone you, if I get the number! - What are youse like?

- Is she away? - Don't go to the window!

- Is she there? - Aye. Och, man. Look at that.

Get away from the window.

No, Calum, we need to see this.

Look at her, look!

Watch yourself.

- What have you done? - I'm telling you, I tripped.

You didnae trip. Turn round.

What happened to ye?

- I fell. - You did not fall.

This'll sting.

Ah! Easy, Chantelle.

- You haven't asked about our mum yet. - I don't need to ask about her.

If you're good for wee Calum, you can stay.

- No, I'll pay my way. - Do you not listen?

If you're good for wee Calum, you can stay.