The Ref

There's supposed to be a baby Jesus in the manger,

but someone stole it.

Really? Lieutenant, where is that baby Jesus?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sounds great, Bob.

Thanks, chief. Merry Christmas.

Steve, Phil, merry Christmas.

Oh, wow! That's so cool.

Hi.

Merry Christmas. Oh, merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, sir.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, sir.

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

Merry Christmas to you and your family. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

All right, this next exercise...

Will help you both with listening.

One of you will speak while the other really just...

Listens.

Would someone like to go first?

Me. I had this crazy dream. Do we have to do dreams?

I was at this fancy restaurant having lunch...

And the waiter brought me my entree. It was a salad.

It was Lloyd's head on a plate of spinach...

With his penis sticking out of his ear.

And I said, "I didn't order this."

And the waiter said, "you must try it. It's a delicacy.

But don't eat the penis; It's just garnish."

- Mmm. - Lloyd, what do you think about the dream?

I think she should stop telling it at dinner parties to all our friends.

I mean, dreams should be private, don't you think?

I'm not here to judge or to take sides. I will say...

Communication is healthy. Healthy?

Telling people she dreams of me being castrated "florentined" is healthy?

Are there any sexual problems in the marriage?

Well...

The truth is, um, we haven't had sex in quite a while.

And before that, it wasn't all that, um...

Oh, what's the word?

- Noteworthy. - Mm-hmm.

By our 12th anniversary, we'd gotten into a pretty stale routine.

A couple of kisses, a couple of nipple twists.

It would be over in the time it takes to make cappuccino.

I know because I timed it once. I mean, it's no wonder I had an affair.

How could you tell him that so casually, like you were asking for water?

Actually, may I have a glass of water?

Why don't you have oral sex too. I'll go wait in the car!

Lloyd, how do you feel about Caroline's affair?

He just wants me to wear a red "a" and sleep in the basement. Is that so unreasonable?

Everything's either black or white with him.

You know, he doesn't... He doesn't see where he's responsible.

And I mean, it just didn't mean anything to me.

It shouldn't even be counted as an affair.

I think we need a ruling on this.

Jesus.

Cat piss.

Ugh.

Lloyd, have you forgiven Caroline for her affair?

Look, it was a long time ago. It's over. I'm fine about it.

I just don't want to talk about it. Then let me ask you something.

What do you want from the marriage now?

I wanna stop talking about it. Look, the truth is I want nothing.

I have everything I need. I'm actually a very content person.

What a liar. You're so unhappy you can hardly breathe.

And I feel it in every gesture, in every silence.

And I'm miserable. How can we both be in the marriage...

And I'm miserable and you're content? Luck?

- Caroline, what do you want from the marriage? - Oh, this should be good.

You don't know what you want. You blame everybody else for it.

She's impossible to satisfy. She lives in her fantasies.

I mean, let's really try to understand Caroline's miserable life.

- She lives in a beautiful home. - Which his mother owns.

- I have a successful business. - Which his mother owns.

We're in servitude to his mother for a loan she's charging us 18% interest on.

We personally own nothing. We took out a loan.

No, you took out a loan. It was your decision.

- You took out a loan from Satan mom. - She blames my mother...

For everything that's gone wrong in her life. In the meantime, she never finishes anything.

Photography courses, existential philosophy courses, Scandinavian cooking classes...

- At least I go after my dreams. - To be what? Somebody who takes photographs...

Of lutefisk to prove the nothingness of being? No wonder our son's so confused.

See? He blames me for Jesse. Is that right?

- I'm not here to judge. - What the hell good are you?

You're the one who suffocated him with limitations.

Our son's a very sensitive, creative... Juvenile delinquent.

- Boy. He has the imagination... - That the mafia gives scholarships for.

In the ninth grade, we told him he could get a part-time job.

He started an escort service for the football team, and he gave out my mother's phone number.

And I still say gettin' laid by an 18-year-old linebacker is just what she needs!

- Please! Let's lower our voices! - Fuck you!

Yes.

Fuckin'...

Burglary! Burglary!

Burglary!

Ohh!

Oh, no! Gussie!

Where the hell are ya?

Wanna play ball?

Play catch, pal? Huh?

Chase the ball?

Good doggy. Good thickheaded doggy.

How about this, huh? Huh?

Go.

Get some light over here.

Check around back.

You can divorce me, you know. I mean, I don't care about alimony.

You can say...

That I was unfaithful.

You were.

That's why I said you can say it.

No, no. You said it as if it weren't true,

but that I could say it just to get the divorce.

Except that it is true, and we're not getting a divorce.

And later on in the news...

Aren't you coming in with me? No, I want to listen to the news.

There is a world going on beyond our problems, Caroline.

Just because you've made your decree about this divorce...

Doesn't mean I'm giving up on it. Caroline,

the day you see anything through to the end, I'll stick my own dick in my ear.

I ordered a case of eggnog so this wouldn't happen.

I'm sorry. I can't help you.

You don't understand. I have 25 relatives coming in one hour,

and you have one bottle of eggnog.

What am I gonna do? It's Christmas. I'm here alone.

I'd love to be able to help you. I don't know what to tell you.

Are you crazy?

I have nothing I can do for you. I'm sorry.

There's no one in the store to help me. Can't you make some? Make some? Are you nuts?

Are you nuts? I have got 25 relatives coming. It only takes cream, nutmeg...

You don't understand. What am I gonna do without it?

I promised them I'd have eggnog! You can if you make it.

I can't make it! You make it!

Okay.

Don't move. Don't talk. This is a gun in your back.

What's going on? Who is he?

He's the world beyond our problems, which is now our problem.

Shut up. Drive. My god, Carrie, are you all right?

Drive.

Lieutenant huff, how could this have happened in old baybrook?

Why weren't there more police on the street?

This man has been terrorizing the entire county. Look.

I'd put more men on the street, but they're not qualified for this kind of thing.

Why not? They are police, aren't they?

They have no experience. Nothing ever happens in this town.

The only time we get calls from you people...

Is when some kid is playing a practical joke...

Or your faggot dogs start humping each other without permission.

Any time there's any real problem, you people call your judge friends...

And your Attorney General friends and your district attorney friends.

Why don't you call them now and get the hell out of my office?

It doesn't necessarily have to be your office.

I'm calling an emergency meeting of the old baybrook emergency community committee.

And I'll be suggesting at that meeting...

That our volunteers patrol the streets to protect our homes.

And if you would like, It. Huff, I will speak to the mayor... A golfing chum of mine...

About finding you a replacement, since you don't like it here in old baybrook.

And maybe I'll just tell him that you've hit into a water hazard...

And you're way in over your head.

Get out.

Authorities have speculated that the thief may still be in the area.

Roadblocks are being set up on interstate... Fuck! Goddamn it!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Goddamn it! Shit!

Fuckin' Christmas!

Fuckin' cocksuckers! Jesus!

I can't believe they're going to all this trouble for a thief.

I mean, it's not like you killed anyone. Kinda silly, ain't it?

Yeah. Although it's still early, right?

What's that smell? Shut up!

Take me to your house.

Listen, we'll drop you off wherever you'd like, and we won't say a word.

We're not heroes. Believe me, I can vouch for that. Lloyd is no hero.

Enough, okay? I said take me to your fuckin' house.

I gotta think. Aw, fuck.

Fuck. Christ. What? Nothing.

No. What was that laugh for? No, I don't. Oh, like you don't know.

Oh, yeah, sure, right. "Lloyd's no hero." Thanks a lot!

Please. I was trying to... Go to hell!

Shut up.

Never've happened if you'd come into the store! I have a gun.

He chose me because I was alone. Shut up!

Jesus fuckin' Christ! Okay, okay.

But I'm right, aren't I? You would never have taken a couple, would you?

- All right. No. - No. Thank you. Thank you.

Christ. See?

Happy now? Great. Yeah, I am, actually.

Less than ten minutes ago, you sat in the car... Hey, hey! Stop sign.

And told me you want to stop arguing. Stop sign! Whoa!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Hey, morons!

- You ran the stop sign. - I did not. There was no stop sign.

Yes, there was, and yes, you did. You didn't even see it.

He saw it. He said, "stop sign." I heard it. Great.