Schitt's Creek

Don't judge me for what I'm about to ask you to do.

Come inside, please.

- What're you about to... - It does not matter. It doesn't matter.

What?

That.

- That's why you called me in here? - Yeah, look at it!

- I'm looking. - No! Look at it.

Uh, it looks like a bug...

- Yeah. - Trapped under a glass.

I Googled that bug. It's some sort of demonic cricket

that "takes chunks out of your skin when provoked."

Chunks is the word that Google used.

You Googled a bug?

Yeah. I have a thing about bugs with milky exoskeletons.

I have this irrational fear they are gonna crawl into my mouth

and nest at night, so...

So, what do you want me to do, kill it?

No, I think I just need moral support

while I slip a piece of paper under the glass with the bug

and take the trapped bug and walk it outside.

Or we could just... kill it.

No, that's not the way to go. Oh! Oh my God! It's fleeing!

- Whoa, it's fast! - It's fleeing into the bathroom.

That's why you use the cup method,

because you'd keep it contained!

Now it's just all out!

Well... I guess I don't even need to be here.

Well, it's h...

Now it's hiding somewhere in the darkness

Waiting for nightfall.

I... I can't... I can't sleep here. I can't sleep here.

Not with your mouth open anyway.

That's not a nice thing to say to me.

You know, sometimes I forget what life was like before I knew you.

Okay, bye-bye! Bye. Yup.

'Kay. Hope you catch it!

I can hear it. I can hear it.

What the hell?

Hey! Where's my towel?!

John?

Johnny?! Where's my towel?!

Anyways, I asked this kid to come to the front of the class

and solve this math equation

and he was "pitching a tent."

- He had a boner! - Oh.

And then I was thinking, these are young boys, these poor kids,

and it can't be easy having a teacher like myself, so...

- Mm... - What was your question again?

You know, it's been so long I can't remember.

There you are, John! Where did my towel go?

Moira! Nanaimo bars.

Accidentally doubled the batch and Roland's on diabetes watch,

so I thought why not share the wealth?

Well, what a lovely gesture, huh, Moira?

John, I had towel and now it's disappeared!

There's a towel on the back of the door.

No, that one has dirt on it!

That's not dirt. I used it to kill a bug.

I'm sorry. I... I guess I'm stressed.

Morning, Jocelyn!

You know, Moira, you ever need to just go somewhere

to unwind and have some pampering,

I know a great place in Elmdale.

Let's not and say we did.

You know, honey, a little pampering might not be a bad idea.

Could alleviate some of that weight your carrying around.

So now I'm fat and stressed?

Emotional weight. Emotional.

John, go find a towel now, please,

or I will strip out of this robe

and I will air dry in the street!

Okay, well, I'm just gonna go home. Sorry.

No, no, no. I didn't say I didn't want them.

Thank you.

A little pampering. Great idea.

- I think so, yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, Twy.

Um, Twy...

What is in the "Meadow Harvest" smoothie?

Uh... you know, it changes every day.

Just depends on my mood.

But it's all organic, earthy ingredients.

Okay, so it's like fruity or... ?

Yes, it is. Yup. At times.

And then other times, not.

Okay! Well, today, is it more fruity or more vegetably... ?

No, I don't know.

I've gotta check in the back and see what we have.

So Meadow Harvest doesn't refer to anything... in particular.

No, Meadow Harvest is exactly how it sounds.

It just changes everyday.

Mm... okay. All right. Well, I'll just um...

Do that that then... the Meadow Harvest thing.

- Great! - Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, I just feel like I have to warn you,

what you just ordered is gonna...

Run through you like Niagara Falls.

Excuse me?

Uh, she's a sweet girl but her smoothies are deadly.

Um, I usually prescribe them to my patients

when they're feeling a little... backed up.

That's a lot of information.

I'm... I'm... I'm kidding. I'm actually not.

I've absolutely done that... With her smoothies.

So are you a doctor or... ?

I'm a veterinarian.

Oh! It's basically the same thing.

- Ted. - Um... Alexis.

I know. Without sounding too forward,

I've seen you around and uh... You know, I have to say,

I think that you are the most beautiful girl

this town's ever seen.

What? No.

I'm sure there's like another girl... somewhere.

No, I mean it.

Yeah.

Well, it's really nice of you to say.

I would love to take you out to dinner sometime.

- Oh! - I feel good about this one.

Yeah, it's a little less fruity but a little more... something.

Mm!

Mm...

Oh my God.

So... about the bug thing.

No explanation necessary. You've got a thing about bugs.

No, I don't have a thing about bugs.

It was one bug, and that bug was milky.

So... you're a man at one with nature.

Yeah. I could not be more at one with nature.

I do Coachella every year, so...

Mm. Oh! So you'd be... Into coming with me

on the annual Turkey shoot then.

That's something that should excite you.

What?

- The Turkey shoot? - Mm.

Roland's annual thing. We go out and we hunt turkeys.

Been doing it every year since I was far too young to be holding a gun.

Yeah... yes. Yeah. Let's do that.

I was joking.

I have a strong feeling that would not be your thing.

And what do think "my thing" is exactly?

High thread count sheets?

Colognes that smell like fireplace...

Okay. Well, it might surprise you to know

that I have more than one thing,

so I will happily go with you on the hunt!

Nothing would make me more excited than to...

Go hunting for...

- Turkeys. - Turkeys... with you,

So... is this a tweed or a camo situation?

Okay, did anyone actually see this pillow

come out of this container?

Seriously?! Go. To. Hell!

You're off... you're a fool!

Okay, Moira, why are we doing this?

Why don't we wait for the girl to come in

and help us make the bed?

She never comes, John.

No. Bastard. Bastard!

- Jocelyn! Hi! - Johnny.

Oh good, you're here, Moira.

I was just booking myself an appointment with Janine at the salon

and I said to myself, "wow,

Moira really looks like she needs a pick-me-up,"

so I booked you a Mani too!

Little girls spa day on me.

Wow! What a nice gesture!

May I see a spa treatment menu?

Oh, well, it's just a salon,

so they don't really do all that kind of stuff.

But she does give a mean scalp massage.

Really mean?

If you requested that, I guess, yeah.

Moira, this sounds too good to pass up.

Please, please do this, for me.

Let me rephrase that.

Do it for you because you deserve...

Yes! My answer's yes, Jocelyn. Thank you.

- Yay! - Oh, yes.

So, what're you doing tonight?

Making chili. Might do some laundry.

A polite person would now ask me

what I'm doing tonight.

That's what this is about? Sorry.

Um... what're you doing tonight?

Ted's taking me out.

- Ted. - Mm-hmm. Ted.

I don't know his last name. The... the, um, doctor.

- The vet? - Yeah, the doctor.

The animal doctor.

Yeah, we went to high school together.

I think you'd be good for each other.

Do you?

I think he has everything you're looking for in a husband.

A husband?

What am I looking for in a husband?

Money.

Hmm.