Private Violence

I was calling to find out about,

I believe it was Detective Purvis

that came out and spoke with Candy.

I was wondering if you knew whether there

had been any warrants issued for (bleeping).

Mm-hmm, no, he knows where the shelter is, here.

He told her, "I know where the shelter is,

"I know how to find, I know where to find you."

This is pretty serious.

- Even though I choose to by around him, when I shouldn't.

And I know that I shouldn't, but it's only because

of the fact that I'm scared.

And I feel like if I don't do anything he asks of me,

like come when he calls, or stop everything I'm doing

just to be there, that he would hurt me.

So what, tell me what just happened?

- He text me, he's saying he's on his way to Clapp's.

Car wash, here in Pittsboro. - Here?

Alright, I'm gonna call Ed right now and tell him.

Okay? - 'Kay.

You okay with that?

- So-so, I guess, I don't want to involve the law,

but he just needs to leave me alone.

- You understand that that's not gonna happen

unless law enforcement intervenes.

- Yeah. - To make it stop.

Hey, Buddy, I have a question for you.

One of the residents at the shelter,

her abuser keeps calling her on her cell phone.

She was gonna text him back, and say, "Where are you?"

And then call the Pittsboro PD and say,

"Here's where he says he is."

Is that some kind of entrapment?

Not entrapment.

- Now you do it, baby, how 'bout text him back

and say, "Where are you at?"

Where are you at, okay, good.

Let's see how long it takes. - Okay.

Oh, oh, here we go.

- Just left Elizabeth's Pizza. - Alright.

Hey, he just texted her and said he just

left Elizabeth's Pizza.

Do you want to text him back and say,

"I will me you at Clapp's in five minutes."

- Okay. - She's texting him now.

Police everywhere.

- He said, "Police is everywhere."

That's what he, so. - Oh my god.

Swarm me, did you do this?

- He just texted her and said, "Swarm me, did you do this?"

Did they get him?

That's what he, he just, - License check.

Oh, he was in a license check.

If they just did a fucking license check, why?

It should be in the system, so.

On my way to Al's Diner.

He's on his way to Al's.

He says, "On my way to Al's Diners."

Tell him, be there in five, you text,

be there in five minutes.

Okay.

- Alright, alright, bye. - Are they gonna go get him?

- Yeah, he said just be vigilant and keep documenting.

It's not your fault.

You know, it's not your fault.

His choices and the things that he did are what caused this.

Okay? I did it.

I made the call.

I did it, okay?

This is Ed, hello?

- Hey. - Hey.

Right next door, not right up from the shelter?

- Salisbury? - Yeah.

That's a half block from here.

Less than half a block. - Ed thinks

that's where he's at.

Check to see where she is.

Oh my god.

Oh my god, please, please, please, please.

Woo, yes, oh yeah!

Oh, thank you, Ed.

You sure they got him?

Oh thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, I hope they set his bond high enough to where he

can't get out, 'cause he is gonna be one pissed off.

Thanks (laughing emotionally).

Yes, I'm so happy!

Whew.

- Woo! - Yay.

It's okay.

- You alright, sweetie? - Yeah, I'm good.

It's okay.

It's so hard.

Yes, it's hard.

Yes it is, it's very hard.

I feel like it's my fault.

It's not your fault.

It is not your fault.

You didn't make him who he is.

If it wasn't you, it'd be somebody else.

- It's Charlotte Talks on listener-funded 90.7 WFAE

and 90.3 WFHE, I'm Mike Collins.

We're talking about domestic violence.

Kit Gruelle is also a survivor, so she has worked

with California POST, that state's effort to train

law enforcement officers to deal with domestic violence.

And she is known nationally as an advocate

and community educator on this topic.

And you brought a stack of files here.

These are all restraining orders

from one year in North Carolina.

Now these are not all the restraining orders

that were issued, there's probably 45 or 50 orders here.

And every single one of the women who went to obtain

these orders of protection was murdered.

In precisely the ways that they said they were gonna be.

So I sometimes refer to restraining orders

as the Last Will and Testament.

Because battered women are the experts in what's happening

in their relationship, and we need, society, we need

to treat them like the experts that they are.

When she says, "He's going to kill me."

Or, "He's going to kill my family."

Or, "He's going to kill my cousin if he can't get to me."

We have got to step on the brakes and slow down

and take that whole thing seriously.

And then, when there's a restraining order violation,

our judicial officials have to understand that he

is showing contempt for the court system.

And he truly is a risk to her and to community at large.

- If you're not being hit, if you're not being threatened

with a knife, or some kind of a weapon.

If it's just words, if it's intimidation,

if it is belittling, how do you recognize it?

How do others recognize it?

How do you then get others to say, to help you stop it?

- When I do the hostage negotiations class, this is one

of the things that I bring up with the negotiators.

My late husband was a freak about food intake.

He was trying to gain muscle weight,

so he wanted a lot of protein calories.

And so every night before he went out,

he wanted a bowl of ice cream, and on the ice cream,

he wanted peanuts, because peanuts are so high in protein.

So when I went to grocery store,

I had to buy salted peanuts.

Put them in a colander, rinse them off and pat them dry.

And put the rinsed-off peanuts on the ice cream.

And while he was eating his ice cream, if he came across

salt on the peanuts, he would beat me up, because he said

I didn't do a good enough job washing the peanuts.

So when I go out and do the negotiations class, I say to

these cops, what happens when you show up on the scene

and you get her out there in the back of the patrol car,

and she's saying to you over and over and over again,

"I should have done a better job washing the peanuts."

And when women say stuff like that,

it's not because they're crazy,

it's because the way they're really living.

Our criminal justice system requires

that she be beaten enough to satisfy the system.

And by the time it gets to that point,

she's already been so worn down, psychologically,

and physically and emotionally, that's when it's really

time for advocates to really step up.

And begin to treat her like she has some value.

Because she's been told now, systemically, that she doesn't.

The courts have told her that she doesn't have value.

And her partner has told her that she doesn't have value.

Perhaps family and friends have done that

through their actions with her.

And all that strips away from her.

So I think another thing that advocates do is,

instead of stripping away, we try to build back up.

You know, a lot of times battered women leave.

Four or five, six, seven, eight times.

And people start to get tired of it.

They see a woman leave an abuser and then go back.

It's complicated.

Leaving an abuser is not an event, it's a process.

And this is where advocates come in.

It's not our job to say to her, "We're gonna be your

"advocate, when you leave the first time, when you leave

"the second time, when you leave the third time.

"But on that fourth time,

"we're not working with you anymore."

That's not how it goes.

If we're going to be effective advocates, we're going

to recognize that each woman's case is unique.

And each woman's case is special.

Anybody have any experiences with the boyfriend

or the husband?

You've had that experience.

- It went on for nine years. - Wow.

- I went back, I left and went back three times.

And I won't, this time.

And this last time, he almost killed me

in front of my daughter.

And now I have had 23 seizures,

and my daughter has seen