Royal Flash

So the last thing I have to tell you young fellows is this:

Play up and play the game!

Honor your queen and country.

Mind what your masters tell you.

Say your prayers each night.

Keep your minds and your bodies clean.

Take a cold bath each day.

And you'll find you can always look the world in the eye...

like an English gentleman.

- Hear! Hear! - Hear. Hear.

Now, my lads...

- I'm just a simple soldier. - Oh! No, no, no.

Yes, I am though. But I tell you...

if you follow these rules...

then, when the last roll call comes...

you'll be able to go up before the Great Headmaster...

with a clean, British conscience and say...

"Well, sir, I tried to do my duty. "

And I think-

I think you'll find that's good enough for him.

Well-Well, I think that we have rarely heard...

such man-inspiring address.

We are deeply indebted to Captain Flashman.

Let it be an example to you boys-

especially when you remember that only a few short years ago...

Captain Flashman, whose name and fame has now run 'round the world...

as the hero of Kabul.

I need not tell you of the dauntless heroism he displayed in Afghanistan...

- Let me in! - of the matchless gallantry ofhis defense of Piper's Fort...

against overwhelming odds...

when he fought to the last against the heathen hordes.

Here! Take the bloody thing. I don't want it. Take it!

Ofhow he was found the sole, gallant survivor...

- of the stricken field... - There's a British officer there.

with his country's flag- nay, his country's honor-

- clasped to his wounded body. - He's alive.

Get him there, Carruthers.

We're your relief, sir.

Nor need I remind you...

or embarrass his simple modesty...

by recalling the hero's welcome which his queen and his country...

gave this gallant English gentleman...

whom we at Rugby School know as Harry Flashman.

But-But even- even heroes...

must work, and we must not...

keep him from his arduous military duties...

which claim his first allegiance.

Damn!

Come on. Oh, come on, you silly slut.

Place your bets, please, ladies and gentlemen. It's 4-to-1. That's right.

It's 4-to-1 the field on Pink Lady. Lovely Pink Lady there, sir. There she goes.

Lovely thighs. What a wonderful bosom.

Hello, Freddie. Doin' all right?

Waiter!

This game's as crooked as a line of Russian infantry-

and a damn sight harder to beat.

Mesdames, monsieurs, place your bets, please.

I know a better line.

Come on.

Speedicut!

We'll, uh, play vingt-et-un, you see...

and every time I lose a trick, I'll give you a piece of my clothing-

like, uh, a glove or something.

- What if I lose a trick? - Silly little girl.

You'll learn the rules as we get along.

Quiet, lads. Now come on. Quiet as you can.

Anybody makes a noise loses his pension.

Right. Up you go, lad. Go on. Get in there.

- All right. All right, sir. - Go on. Now hang on tight.

- Yes. - Right, lads. Start cranking.

Can't stand heights, Sergeant.

- Never mind that. Go on up. Keep your eyes open.

- Now what can you see? - Nothing.

Right. Take him up a bit more.

- I don't wanna go up any higher. - Shut up. What can you see?

- Nothing. - Take him right up.

Damnation!

Have you tarts been marking this deck?

Hmm. I see what the trouble is.

You're still too sober to play properly.

Soon attend to that.

Get him up. Get him up. Get him up.

No, it's no good, Sergeant. I can't see anything.

- All right. We'll go in the front door. - Hey?

Hey, waiter! Waiter! Look alive, dagger-eyes! More bubbly!

Right.

Shh! Shh! Quiet.

Police.!

Police! Quick!

All right, lads.

Cut and run. It's the traps!

Hide those chips, will ya?

Clean those tables off.

Don't panic, for God's sake. Here you go, girls.

It's much too big.

No!

Lower away now.

Right. Upstairs. Upstairs!

Steady. Careful.

- All right. - Get me down.

- Get me down, Sergeant. - All right.

I can't stand heights. Get me down.

You've cranked it up, sir. Will you kindly crank it down?

I've had enough. I wanna come down now.

Oh, I'm feeling sick.

- Sick.! - Oi! You!

Get down.! Right, lads.!

- Come on. - Help me!

Oh! Sorry.

- All right. - Lads, right. Come back here!

Do the British always sleep? Wake up, driver.

God save us. What the devil are you doing, sir?

- I'm hiding, ma'am. - Well, I can see that.

Who from? And in my carriage, if you please.

Please, I mean no harm. It's the police.

Oh, no. No. I'm not a criminal.

I was in a club that was raided.

- Oh. - Get out of this. Do you hear?

- Oh, please, sir- - Get out!

Oh, let him alone, Otto. Can't you see he's a gentleman?

Quick, you booby, onto the seat.

- Such a delightful party. - Huh?

There I was, standing in a corner...

- Oh, yes.! - surrounded by three duchesses...

and only two of them drunk.

Excuse me, sir. Might you have seen a gentleman running?

Yes, Constable. This is your man.

- Will you arrest him, please? - Oh, stop it, Otto.

Really, Sergeant, it's too bad.

He's making game of you. This gentleman is with us.

Yes. Stop playing the fool, Otto.

I'm tired. My leg hurts.

I need a nice rubdown. Um, just there. Mmm.

The anguish.

Here. I know you.

You're Captain Flashman, be God.

The hero of Afghanistan.!

- ByJove. - Yeah.

The defender of Piper's Fort. Well, here's a go.

He is a criminal fugitive who invaded our coach without permission.

I don't care if he invaded Buckingham Palace without permission.

Yes.

You're not English, are you?

- I am a German officer, and I demand that- - Yes. Well.

Captain Flashman is a British officer...

so you don't demand nothing.

Just move along, please. Good night, sir. Adieu, ma'am.

Good night.

My dear, your face.

I am happy...

that you are amused to make a fool of me.

- The devil take you then. - How dare you insult a lady...

you dirty foreigner!

I shall remember you.

Well, I shan't trouble to return the compliment.

Oh, yes, you will. You will remember me.

- My name is Bismarck. - Hmm.

These foreigners- can't look an Englishman in the eye.

Yes, but it put me next to a beautiful woman...

and one of two things is inevitable:

She either surrenders or screams-

sometimes both.

"Lola. "

"Lola"!

Sounds like a foreign bedroom with purple wallpaper.

"Lola" what?

- Montez. - Oh.

Lola Montez.

Ain't that a dago name?

You looked a bit dago.

- Thank you. - Why didn't you give me away to the bobbies?

And have to spend the night with Otto Bismarck...

who has nothing but ice and vinegar in his veins?

My dear, I wouldn't have given you away if you had been a murderer.

Bismarck is going to be a great man someday.

He told me so himself.

"I have a destiny to rule," says he.

I told him, "I have my ambitions too. "

And what might they be?

To be a queen in the theater...

and to live as I please...

love as I please and never grow old.

And if you're disappointed?

Courage. And shuffle the cards.

Not a bad motto.

Well, I tell you, I am a far greater man...

than any Otto Bismarck.

Prove it.

You mean to say while I was spending the night...

in a Bow Street cell, you were bumping that little beauty?

Well, damn your luck, Flashy.!

Only the brave deserve the fair.

My backside's like a pin cushion.

- Her hairbrush. - Now. Now. Finish him!

Smash him.!

- Why don't they hit each other? - See what I mean?

Gently, sweetheart.

You're not in bed now, you know.

Hit him!

Well, well! If it ain't Attila the Hun.