Interactive Introverts

Dan and Phil.

Also known as Danis not on fire.

And the Incredible Philip.

Two Bloggers known for their emo haircuts,

confident, larger-than-life personalities

and calm, caring followers.

Currently touring the world with a new stage show

promising to interact with and please the audience.

But how?

So what are we doing here, Dan?

Giving the people what they want, Phil.

Hello, everybody. What up?

Thanks for coming to see us. Hello there. How's it going?

- Hi, how are you doing? Hello, hello, hello.

- Fancy seeing you here. - Hey, guys, how are you doing?

All you guys, over there, at the back.

So how are you doing tonight? Are you guys good?

-(ALL CHEERING) All right.

Imagine how awkward it would've been, if it was just awkward silence, there?

- I know. - But thankfully it wasn't.

- Well glad to hear that you are good. - Yes, indeed.

We are also happy to be here, you might have noticed these

two giant, glowing eyes either side of us.

These couple of long boys hanging out on the edge of the stage over here.

Very phallic, we do realise that, but, Phil, it's almost like

they stand for something.

- They do, interesting insects. - Yep.

- Er, that's what it stands for. - It does.

Release the bees.

- No, that's not... - You're cheering for bees?

Wow.

- What does that mean? - I don't know.

"Sting me", okay, whatever.

No, no, it actually stands for the name of the show,

- Interactive Introverts. - Oh, yes.

Thank you, yes.

Snazzy graphic design, it sounds very cool.

- It does. - But, Phil,

-what the hell does it mean? - Well, we are two introverts.

- Fact. - And an introvert is someone

that gets their energy back from being alone.

Now, the opposite of this is called an "extrovert"

and this, if you can believe,

is a person that is actually meant for socialising

with other human beings.

- What? -(CHUCKLES)

I know, weird, right?

But apparently they exist.

Yeah, it's like at a party, they just wanna rub their face on everyone.

Maybe not literally, but kind of, yeah.

Although at a party, you’ll just find us by the food and the dips.

Yes, hiding in the corner by the snacks.

I'm a Dorito-vert personally, that's howl identify.

Yeah, same, it's often confused with shyness though.

You don't have to be shy to be an introvert,

like if I was the shyest person in the world,

I'm not sure I'd be stood here in front of all you guys.

No, this would be terrifying, truly.

Yeah, I'd more likely be curled up in a ball on the floor.

Just sat on the floor, rocking backwards and forwards, crying.

How I spend most of my evenings.

Yes, no, it is possible to be an introvert

and to be social, like us, stood here right now.

- Yeah. - It's just very emotionally draining.

The way I like to imagine it is if you all picture

a life bar above our heads like we're in a video game.

It's as if any time, any of you make a noise

you're punching us emotionally.

-(ALL SCREAMING) - (BOTH CHUCKLING)

Oh!

It burns.

And then they died, yeah, basically,

so based on that description, does anybody here feel like

they are an introvert too?

-(ALL CHEERING) - Wow. All of you.

So you are really going through something being sat with

all these people right now.

- Well, we appreciate that. - We do.

And can we get some noise from the biggest extrovert in the room.

- Any extroverts in the... -(ALL CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES) Okay, calm down. Calm down.

Security. No, it's fine.

It's fine. I might not relate personally, but you're valid.

You are, and some people watch our videos

and they're like, "Wow, Dan and Phil."

-"They're so loud and annoying." -"They must be so outgoing."

- Surely. - But really, we're just

two introverted guys.

So being stood on a stage in front of all these people,

it's not our natural environment, okay?

Our natural habitat is the sofa crease

on the couch in our apartment.

But the reason we wanted to bravely venture outside

to go on tour is because one day, we're all inevitably going to die.

And just turn into dust and blow away with the wind

and be forgotten. It's coming, it's coming, okay?

- Yeah. - But before that

we wanted you to feel like you had a chance to connect

-with the real Dan and Phil. - Yeah, not as "Danis not on fire"

and "Amazing Phil" but as Daniel Howell.

- Yes. - And my real name, Boris Humperdinck.

That is Phil's real name, everybody.

- It felt good to get that out. - Thank you for sharing that, Phil.

No worries. And you guys are the reason that we are here on this stage, tonight.

- Literally. - And we just want to please you.

Which is why the mission statement for the show you are about to watch is,

"Giving the people what they want."

- That is right. -(ALL CHEERING)

Which is why this show is totally interactive

which we appreciate is very ironic considering everything

we just explained about our personalities.

Yes, which is why to warm things up, we're gonna make a random member

of the audience stand up right now.

- You... just kidding, just kidding. -(PHIL LAUGHING)

- Oh, my gosh. - Wow.

Your faces were priceless. - That right there showed who

the introverts and the extroverts in the room were.

- It did. - There were a few people

that were like, "Yes".

Literally, everybody else went, "What? No!"

I have never seen 5,000 people curl into a ball

-at the same time before. - I know.

- That was amazing. - Don't worry, we wanna avoid

awkward human contact as much as you.

Yes, but don't worry, there will be many ways

that all of you here will control what happens in the show tonight.

And what that means is it will end up becoming a reflection

-of who you are as people. - Yeah.

The things you want to see, the decisions you make,

it will be whatever you want it to be.

It will, but who are the people, what do they want?

- That is the question. - Why do they want it?

- That's also a valid question. - Where do they want it?

Er, no, no, when, when...

- When they... - Was...

Now, okay, look, obviously, there's lots of things some of you here

might want to see Dan and Phil do live on stage together,

that we're not gonna do tonight, because it's illegal

or if it isn't technically illegal, maybe it's just offensive

or messy. I don't know what you're thinking, okay?

It could be anything, but this was originally

meant to be a jelly wrestling arena, but...

- We had to change it up a bit. - You can tell from the shape, right?

Get some ropes up, fill it with jelly,

jelly wrestling, but ideas changed and here we are now.

So you might be wondering what is actually happening tonight, guys.

Well, we don't want to give any of you the wrong ideas...

- No. -...or to get your hopes up for anything

that we don't end up delivering on, so first,

to be absolutely clear, right now, we are going to show you

all of the things that we are not going to do on stage tonight.

We have a wonderful show for you tonight, everyone.

I bet you're all excited to find out what's in store?

Oh, well, this isn't that.

Are you ready? Here it comes.

In tonight's show, Dan and Phil will absolutely not

do the six-second challenge.

Dan, you have six seconds to do an impression of a llama.

-(BUZZER RINGING) -(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)

No.

ANNOUNCER". Engage in erotic role-play.

Police Chief Lester here. There's a baa' boy] need to see to.

Please, be gentle with the handcuffs, I have sensitive skin.

ANNOUNCER". just have a staring contest.

-(CRICKETS CHIRPING) -(ALL CHEERING)

Damn it.

ANNOUNCER". Dress up as their cute, flowery, pastel personas.

ANNOUNCER". (CHUCKLES) Aren't they cute? Give us an "aw."

Aw.

ANNOUNCER". Let you touch their hair.

Go on, who wants to stroke it?

ANNOUNCER". Sit down and react to a 24-hour livestream

of a domestic day in Dan and Phil's apartment.

ANNOUNCER". Keep up with all the hottest YouTube trends.

Phil, draw a 700 layers of make-up on me.

Not before I eat all these Tide Pods. (CRUNCH ES)

Mmm, delicious.

ANNOUNCER". Get all their best social media superstar friends

on stage for a big party.

just kidding, they have no friends.

Literally, nobody responded to their messages.

Confess real, emotional secrets that are way too personal to share.

I contracted chlamydia from a koala.

I literally murdered a person, their corpse is in this trunk.

(OVER SPEAKERS) Ooh!

ANNOUNCER". Release dogs on to the stage and just play with them for two hours.

Wait, you remembered to feed them, right?

(OVER SPEAKERS) 0h!

ANNOUNCER". And finally...

just get completely naked.

Whoa'. Okay, that was a 'yoke.

That was a joke, calm the hell down, people.

Obviously, we're not actually gonna get completely naked, okay?

So those are all of the things we're not going to do on stage, tonight.

Which is fine because none of you actually wanted any of those things.

- No. - You have much better taste than that.

Now that we've gotten this out of the way,

we can continue with what we're actually doing in the show.

- Right, Phil? - Yeah, although some of you

seemed a bit sad about the dogs.