No Heroics

Sync: kiry The Hot Team

All today's services are cancelled due to engineering works

on the Eastern line.

Machine, give cash.

Sarah! Electroclash!

What the bloody hell are you doing in there? We're gonna be late!

- Please hurry up, love. - OK! I'm ready. God!

Jesus Christ! You're not going out to a ferry disaster dressed like that!

Why not? It's my new costume.

Talk to her, Amanda. 'Cos I've had it with this. I'll be in the hover car.

C'mon love, you know Dad likes us looking smart for these things.

Yeah, well maybe I don't care about the stupid, pointless rescue mission!

Oh, please, pet. For me?

Fine! God, I hate this family!

- Car battery fail. - You little shit!

So, how do I look?

- Yeah. You look... you know... - Like a homeless slag.

- Excellent. Cheers, Don. - Welcome. What's the special occasion?

- Parents. - Are they coming here?

Yes, Jenny.

The Richard and cocking Judy of superheroes are coming here.

You're still into the dressing slutty to piss them off thing?

Yep. It never gets boring. Unlike, say...

- Here comes the hot stepper! - How did the casting go?

Are we looking at the new face of Power Pump gym equipment?

Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Well, went OK.

- Lots of positives. - He didn't get it.

Irrelevent. Lost out to Mainframe. So no disgrace there.

- Isn't he the guy in the wheelchair? - It's...

... not exactly a wheelchair, per se.

It's a chrome-plated chariot with...

- It's a wheelchair. - Well, can't sit here all afternoon.

Some of us at least try to lead secret double lives.

- I don't know why you bother. - It's fun.

You're moonlighting at an insurance company.

- Hold on, Jenny, I'll come with. - Oh, yeah? Where you off to?

- Nowhere. - We all know what that means.

- Who's the lucky fella? - It's nobody. Seriously.

Some bastard's in for a bum bashing, eh, Don?

- Alex... - Hey, I'm cool with your sexuality.

Give him one from me, eh?

- Quick poke in the brown eye! - I'm going to see a therapist.

Oh, my God, are you OK?

I'm fine. Just think maybe it's time I sorted my head out.

- Right. Sorry about the bumming stuff. - Don't worry.

Nice one!

You look like a right slag today.

Aw, cheers, Alex.

OK. Welcome, everybody.

Quick bit of housekeeping before we start.

No mind reading, mind melding or mind control.

Please switch off all electronic devices: mobile phones, pagers,

police scanners, missile defence alert systems.

Lovely. We have a newbie with us today.

Don.

If you'd like to say a bit about yourself.

Hi, I'm Don. Timebomb.

Round of applause, Don.

You're already a hero just for being here.

They're here. Your Dad's just signing autographs in the cloakroom.

God's sake! What kind of sad twat...

- OK... - Childhood hero.

They both were. I used to have this thing for your Mum...

It's called an erection, Simon. You and every other tit in my school.

Just so you know, I would never... Not over your mother.

She's untouchable like Princess Diana, Lorraine Kelly...

Piss off, Simon. I've got some parents to disappoint.

- How'd you mean? - Just a fun game me and my Dad play,

called "I was never good enough for you

so I'm gonna bust my chuff to disappoint you, you shit eater".

I believe we've got Kerplunk behind the bar.

- Hello, love. - Mum, make yourself useful.

G & T. Pint of.

Rampart, you old bastard!

Now then, Norseman, you son of a bitch!

Skip the foreplay, go straight to the bum sex.

Toner cartridge.

- Maybe I can just... - Let me guess.

Paper jam!

No. It's fine. It just needs a quick...

off-line system reboot.

You must be Jenny.

- Gary. Project manager. - Nice to meet you.

That's quite a firm handshake you've got there.

Very powerful. Personally, I like that in a girl.

- That's enough. That's enough. - God, sorry!

Vulnerable side. Very attractive in a man.

- So, how was work? - Shit, actually. Really shit.

Pretty much full time with the whole slag thing these days.

So, you're not still seeing that Alex fella, are you?

Too busy shagging around. I love it up me.

Well, thank God for that.

See? I told you there was nothing to worry about.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm just happy you've finally broken up with that wee poof.

Your Dad's still a little upset about the fire.

Upset? He set fire to my fucking horse!

- While I was still bloody on it! - God, yeah.

Then he sits round my house, drinking my ale,

hands all over my daughter like a sex pest. Little bastard!

Oi! Blood pressure.

Will you just excuse me for a second?

Can't seem to break through, Dave.

Just need a couple of adverts.

You know what the problem is? Too many heroes about.

All these Polish capes into the country.

Don't get me started. They come over here,

avert our nuclear reactor meltdowns.

Save some for the rest of us, you tossers.

Not reactor meltdowns. Not my thing. But you take my point.

Alex, I need you to pretend we're back together for the sake of my Dad.

So Sarah needs The Hotness to impress her little old Poppa?

My Dad thinks you're a prick.

I need to know that I can still piss him off.

Be a smarmy twat for a couple of hours. Shouldn't be a stretch.

So, er, what's in it for me?

- Tit wank. - Seriously?!

Oh. No, I didn't... didn't want one. Just...

Alex, if you needed advice about adverts, come and speak to my Dad.

- You reckon? - Yes!

He used to have his own range of garden furniture.

Yeah. OK.

Sorted. And don't be afraid to use those hands.

- The more sex pesty the better. - One sex pest coming right up.

- Now, why are you here, Don? - Right, well, I'm pretty dark.

- It's kinda my thing. - Great.

But recently it's all the time. You know, the booze, the heroin,

the hardcore pornography, the violence.

None of it helps anymore.

Right.

So I thought to myself "Don, it's time to get some help".

Because otherwise it's going to end in bloodshed.

Well, let's not take a trip to the blood shed just yet, eh, Don?

Tell us. What makes you special?

I can see into the future for up to 60 seconds.

Like now I can see myself

standing here in silence with all of you just staring at me.

Like that.

Great power, Don.

Sorry, love. I thought you said you were single?

Yeah, we just had a bit of an argument.

- Hadn't we, my little Hotcakes? - Forgot our anniversary.

Typical bloody man, eh, Barry?

He gets it. We know.

We've got a relationship where we're screaming at each other one minute

and beating the shit out of each other the next,

then shagging with strap-ons 5 min later.

It is pretty magical.

- Right. - That's us all over. Very affectionate.

Indeedy doody.

Actually, Barry, I was hoping I'd get some advice... on getting adverts.

He's a little overcome. Give him a minute.

You're so sensitive my little hot dog!

Talking of hot dogs,

what's that I can feel sitting between two buns?

That... that may have been slightly inappropriate.

I'm just gonna get off your lap now.

That's it. I'm going to rip him a new arsehole

if I stay here any longer.

Come on, Barry. Barry!

Does Daddy not approve? Shame.

Fascinating stuff.

So, yeah. Been stuck here with these maniacs ever since.

Cheers.

So, what about you? Tell me about yourself.

Nothing to tell. I'm just an ordinary girl.

Just a normal generic adult woman.

Really? Not what I hear.

I hear you have a very special gift.

Me? No! Why would anyone say that?

Oh. So you can't touch type then?

Yes! Yes, I can.

Magic fingers! But not actual magic.

It's very nice to have you on board, Jenny. Hey!

- Who wants to hear a joke? - Don't know about anyone else,

but... yes, please!

How'd you make a superhero float?

Take your foot off his head.

Good one! Bloody superheroes.

I mean, I'm just kidding. It's not like I'm cape-ist or anything.

Look, I like a good cape-ist joke as much as the next girl.

Absolutely no reason why I shouldn't.

Well,

if you like that, you're gonna love this one.

What's the difference between bag of shit and a superhero?

The bag! Yeah?!

OK. Here's another...

So we've got the place surrounded. Hostages inside.

This mental bastard grabs his axe

and decides to charge in head first!

In my defence I was... actual mental at the time.

I mean, clinically insane.

Watch your backs, here comes the cape lifter.

- Barry, mate. - Don't touch me.

Kool and the gang. It's just... I need you for a second.

- What's up? Just had your first period? - Shut up, Devlin.

She's all hormonal. Her tits are starting to come through.

That's winter weight!

It's just, I'm struggling getting adverts.

You could do adverts for bras.