Extraterrestrial

Hello?! Is anyone in there?

Oh, thank God! Let me in! Please let me in!

Sorry, lady, we just closed.

No, No! Please!

- 911, state your emergency. - You've got to help me!

- They took them! - Took who?

My boys! Oh, God. We were just here, and they took them!

Ma'am? Ma'am? I need you to calm down and give me your location.

Can you look around and tell me what you see?

There's a gas station, on the highway...

What the fuck?

Whoa!

- What the hell's going on? - Well, we're not sure, boss.

This here is a... weird one.

Store clerk here said a woman, brunette, like 30,

shows up around midnight, she's acting irate,

banging on the door here and wants to use the phone.

- And then... - Then what?

I think I'll let the boy tell you himself.

Now, sheriff, I'm not gonna lie to you,

I've done a lot of hallucinogens in my day,

but what I saw last night,

that shit was out of this world.

Straight up.

Nancy McPherson.

Where did you go?

I know, yeah, I won't forget.

In the garage. Don't worry, I'm using a wide angle lens.

Never mind. Mom? OK.

Mom, I gotta go. I'm packing.

Mom, I'm getting off the phone now. OK. I love you, too. Bye.

- Mom busting your balls again? - Yeah, she's driving me fucking nuts.

Are you sure you want to come with me?

I could just take the photos and come home tonight.

No, I'm coming with you and it's gonna be great.

It's been a brutal semester, God knows we both deserve some R and R.

If you say so.

It's gonna be fun. We can go on a hike,

little small campfire, look up at the stars. And then...

I will make you my bitch.

Or I can be your bitch, I can be your bitch, too, if you want.

You're already my bitch.

Dad, what do you want?

Hey, April!

- You actually see me over there? - Hey, Dad. Yeah, I can see you.

I can't talk for long, OK? We're just getting ready to leave.

I still can't believe your mother's making you go all the way out there.

Couldn't she just have gotten the real estate agent to take the damn photos?

I don't know, she said it was gonna cost too much. You know mom.

Cheapest woman I ever met.

She's just selling it to spite me, you know that right?

As if getting the goddamn house wasn't enough.

Dad, are you drinking? It's like eleven in the morning.

You know what they say, the only cure for a hangover is to keep it coming.

Dad, seriously. Slow down. I worry about you.

Did you catch the game last night?

Dad, I really can't talk for long, we're, like, almost out the door.

Well, wait, wait. I...

I need you to grab some things for me while you're out there.

Two fishing rods in the garage, and a tackle box.

You'll find it behind the work bench.

OK, fishing rods, tackle box. Got it.

Oh... and my shotgun. The double barrel. It's in the basement.

If your mother wants that, she's gonna have to pry it out of my cold,

dead hands.

Got it. One shotgun, dead hands. OK, Dad, I'm gonna go now, OK?

I love you, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

OK, how do I turn off...

I feel like I'm seventeen all over again.

Did your Dad find a new job yet?

He's been looking, but he's not in very good shape.

Jesus, what now?

- Hello? - Yo, bitch!

Are we doing this shit, or what?

We'll be down in a sec, chill.

- Well, it's hot as fuck down here, Kyle,

my balls are sweating like a motherfucker. Let's go!

Who is that, is that Seth?

OK, I probably should have told you this earlier,

but I might have invited a few people to come with us to the cabin.

- Kyle, seriously? - April!

- Hey, Mel. - Come on, April, let's do this shit!

Time is money. I got places to go, people to see.

It's gonna be fun, I promise.

Oh, yeah, hey April, can I come upstairs real quick? I gotta take a fat shit.

I so hate you right now.

- Come on, come on! - Seth, watch it!

Watch this shit!

Motherfucker!

Don't fucking do that again.

Don't be such a fucking pussy, man. There's nobody on the road!

- Oh, fuck. - If he searches us, we're fucked.

I gotta tell you,

that is pretty high on the list of stupidest things

I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah, I'm really sorry, officer. I'm an idiot.

I'm glad you're aware of it. License and registration.

Yeah...

Where you kids headed?

My mom owns a cabin out here. We're just staying at it for the weekend.

Well, we've had some disturbances around here...

some break-ins, vandalism, animals being killed.

Obviously, you kids wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

No, nothing. We just got here.

- You're just visiting. - Yes.

See, we get a lot of that. Kids coming down for the weekend, getting drunk,

thinking they can do whatever they want.

I'm here to tell you that's not the case.

While you're in my town you best behave,

or you're gonna have to deal with me and you don't want to do that.

- Are we clear? - Yes, sir.

- I'm gonna give you a warning. - Thank you.

No more fucking around. Got it?

Yes, thank you. We're not gonna be a problem.

Yep.

Remind me to punch you in the dick, Seth.

Wow, this is amazing!

It's beautiful out here.

Yeah, April, when you said cabin in the woods

I thought this was gonna be a total shithole.

Oh, yeah! Fucking A!

This is what I'm talking about!

This is such a trip.

Last time I was here, we were in middle school.

Yeah.

We used to come out here every summer.

I'm gonna go grab my camera, hopefully I can get all the rooms

- before it gets dark out. - Do you need any help?

- No, it's OK baby, I got it. - Alright.

Hey, think fast, fuckhead!

Bottoms up, motherfuckers!

I figured it was coyotes, so I replaced the whole damn fence.

Now I don't know what to think.

Well...

it doesn't look like coyotes, Rick. It's too perfect, too clean.

If this keeps up, I'm not gonna survive the season.

I'm gonna get animal control down here, get things cleared up, OK?

You take care.

I'm over here at the Riseman farm, got another animal mutilation

- same as the others. - Copy that, sheriff.

What the hell is going on in this town?

- No. - Yeah.

Oh, my God, I can't believe you slept with that guy.

- Yeah. - No!

- Yeah! - He was, like, forty and so Guido!

Oh, whatever. He was hot.

So...

NYU probably has a pretty good writing program.

You know, it would probably be easy to transfer there.

- What? - For Kyle.

If he wanted to go with you.

Melanie, I put a lot of thought into this, OK? I just don't see it happening.

I don't know, it's just that there are a lot of douche bag guys out there,

and Kyle isn't one of them.

- You guys are great together. - I know we are, I just...

I don't want to be one of those girls that marries her high school sweetheart

and then pops out three kids and wonders what could have been.

Look, all I'm saying is that, you know,

maybe you should just think about it a little bit more.

What? What is it? What the fuck? What the fuck's your problem?

Rusty, stop being so aggro.

Fucking... Rusty, come back here!

- Rusty! - Fucking dumb dog.

Rusty!

Fuck. I think he's back there.

Rusty!

Rusty!

Really, Mel?

Don't be a square. Come on.

Wow. What a shithole.

Fuck, I think he's back there.

Holy shit, Melanie, look.

Oh, my God.

Score!

Thank you, God, thank you, God.

OK, remember, we're here to find the dog.

What dog?

Oh.

Sweet Jesus, it's a miracle!

Melanie, put it down. Come on. This is sketch.

It's probably some drug dealer's stash.

- Can I just take one bag? - No! I don't wanna get killed!

OK, fine. Fine.

There you are! Don't do that again.

Come on, let's go OK? Oh, my God!

What are you doing on my property?

We weren't trying to steal anything, I promise!

You're trespassing!

No, no, no, my dog just ran back here and we came back to get him!

Who sent you? Who sent you?

My parents own a cabin right down the road!

April?

I know you?

Hell, I haven't seen you since you were knee high to a bait pail.

Remember? Your Dad and I used to take you fishing out on the lake!

- Travis? - Yeah!

Sorry for spooking you guys back there, I don't get many visitors.

I see somebody on my property, they're usually here looking for trouble.

Is this you?

Oh, yeah, a little green behind the ears in that one.