Archer

Okay, okay, you got it, you got it, you -- Good morning, floor.

Good morning asshole smoke alarm!

And good morning, medical bills.

Oh, and your friend, crippling debt.

No no no no no no!

Good morning, bittersweet memories.

Good morning, bag of the unspeakable.

And good morning to you, Archer... The other shitbag in my life!

It's broken?

- Huh?! - The elevator's broken?

- Huh?! - The elevator.

- Huh?! - The elevator!

Outta order.

I can see that!

Why the hell did you ask?

You're late.

I -- Jesus, sweat much?

The elevator's broken -- No shit.

-- and once again, you parked that ridiculous car in my space!

Well, A, the El Camino is not a car -- Truck, whatever!

Nor is it a truck, it's a-- Vehicular hermaphrodite.

Shut up, and B... wait, what was B?

I dunno, we'll say B was "shut up."

And are we done here?

I need to go not pack some shoes, since I'm gonna buy

about ten pairs when we get there.

Get where?

Roooome!

What?!

Not for the Morelli thing!

I planned that entire operation!

- Yes, and you did excellent legwork... - But now it requires

literal legwork, Ray, like walking, and maybe running.

Although hopefully not running, because I'll be in brand-new shoes.

That is so unfair!

Not as unfair as how laid I'm gonna get.

Ciao, bella, ho scarpe nuove!

Sorry, honey.

Yeah, we'll bring you a present.

Oh, blow me.

Why?

You couldn't feel it!

What.

- Nothing, I'm just curious... - A bag.

I piss and shit in a plastic bag.

Me too!

But actually, I was wondering if you'd like to walk again.

No, Krieger, because this way I never have to buy new shoes!

Yeah, but is that worth it?

Robot legs.

No, this has nothing to do with robotics!

I'm talking about bionics!

From the Greek for... like... kickass!

Is there a Greek word for "insane"?

Yes!

I mean I assume there is, but -- If you think I'm gonna

let you turn me into some cyborg zombie like Katya --

Whoa whoa whoa whoa, no!

"Zombie" implies I raised her from the dead.

Oh, then I'm using it correctly.

No, you're not.

For one thing, Katya wasn't completely dead.

Just pretty dead?

- So pretty... - Hello?

Hm?

Oh, so, nothing a few hundred thousand volts couldn't cure.

The human body's basically a potato clock.

So, it's gonna look like I'm leaving?

But that's only because I'm leaving.

Why won't you let me help you?!

Besides the fact you'll probably kill me?!

Yes!

Because it's wrong!

And I may have wandered pretty far from the church, but I do

still believe there are some things that only God should do!

Like give you an erection?!

I'm assuming you mean "give me the ability to have an erection"?

Also, yes.

No!

Yes, Lana!

We don't need a -- Rocket launcher, si, molto pronto!

Mmmmmmmneeww, not on the pre-approved list of equipment for this mission.

The what?

The -- I heard you!

Why'd you ask?

Pre-approved by whom?!

Oh, now you're on my side.

Shut up.

Common enemy.

That's how Lana and I started dating.

Shut up.

Pre-approved, by whom.

Ms. Archer.

Wh-?

She doesn't know what we need!

The last time she was in the field they were still using muskets!

- Really? - Seriously?

No?

Look dipshit, my mother obviously doesn't know about this stuff, so --

So she goes by my personal, professional recommendations.

I'm gonna need you to repeat that.

I said -- No no, shh, after I come back there

and pull your tongue out through your -- Asshole.

- Ew. - Ew.

You'd need a bulldozer made of acid to get in here.

Ooh, or Spacebot!

And if you continue to behave threateningly-- You haven't seen threateningly.

You'll need one to get out of there.

Remember Spacebot?

Guys?

And so, a small power unit goes here, on your uh,

spiny thing, which sends electrical impulses to your muscles and ligaments and

stuff, which I will fuse to a vanadium alloy endoskeleton,

replacing your current, um, legbones.

I have to say it kind of worries me you don't know the

names of the actual bones.

Who cares?

Zrrp, they're in the dumpster.

Ew.

Wait, then all I need is the power unit, not a bunch of vanadium bones!

Yeah, but they're awesome.

But if you don't put everything back where it's supposed to go...

I've already done it twice!

There you go, Conway.

Plus when I'm taking out the old bones I take tons of pictures with my phone.

Oh, well then what could go wrong?

Seriously?

Sarcastically.

Oh.

Because you could die.

I realize that.

- And I'll, ya know, sign a release form or whatever... - Oh, that's not

necessary.

Really?

No, I mean if, God forbid, the worst happens...

there's lots of dumpsters.

Jesus.

Sure, if he helps.

Whew, okay, so when do we do this?

Well, you should already be feeling the effects of the anesthetic...

The... God damn it, Krieger!

So whenever my assistants get here.

What's up, spaghetti-legs?

Wait a minute!

Yeah, where's Carol?

Gettin' that list of shit you wanted.

Thank you!

Seriously!

What am I, hourly?!

- Are you not? - I don't know!

Move.

Oh, and when I'm through talking to Malory?

I wouldn't be surprised if you find yourself out of a job.

I would.

Burn.

Cyril?!

Is it Halloween already?

I don't know!

Then why are you dressed like that?

Because, duh, I'm helping Krieger turn Ray into a stupid cyborg.

A what?!

But I guess some cyborgs are smart...

What are you talking about?!

Well, you gotta be pretty smart to fool the ol'

Voight-Kampff machine.

In Krieger's lab?!

Anywhere, duh, it's portable.

No no no no no!

Uh, yes it is.

Yo, Magnum P.U.

I need a lead-acid battery, fifty units of plasma, some bolt cutters,

and something called a -- Defrimbulator?

That's a made-up word.

They're all made up.

Mind! Blown!

- Yeah, what could go wrong... - Ray's gonna be a cyborg

over my dead body!

Or preferably his!

But somebody's!

What could possibly, go, wrrngzzzzzz.

Hey, should I wash my hands?

I didn't.

Krieger! Krieger!

Krieger open this goddamn door!

Krieger I am gonna count to one!

Oh that's right, he hates robots!

For the -- this! Is a robot!

Gillette is a human being!

But he won't be for long if you don't clamp that artery!

One!

Brett?

What in the hell...?

Were those gunshots?!

Oh, who knows with these people, it's one calamity after another.

That's, yes, exactly, that's why you need a nice long relaxing cruise!

But I really really really really really don't think I'll enjoy it.

Sure you will.

Brett?!

Archer!

What the shit are you doing?!