The Final Cut

Reports are coming in of serious civil unrest in Cyprus.

Attacks on British villas, bars and restaurants,

riotous assembly, criminal damage and affray.

Someone's leaked the news

that there's been a massive oil strike in Watling water,

just off the northern Cyprus coast.

The Turks have got the lot

and the Greeks are playing merry hell about it.

A tragedy for the Cyprus settlement

and, naturally, a chance to reassert our own superiority

over the pretender Makepeace

and enhance our standing in the polls.

Watch this.

Can the Prime Minster deny

that he has manipulated the Cyprus settlement

so that Britain and Turkey could exploit offshore oil?

Did he know of the presence of oil before the negotiations?

Was Sir Clive Watling aware

of the presence of oil before casting his vote?

And will the Prime Minister assure us

that neither he nor anyone in his family has profited from these shabby dealings?

- Order! - Shame!

Prime Minister.

I am amazed that any member of this House

should choose this moment

to raise these sleazy innuendos

when British property is at risk, when British lives are threatened,

when the very stability of Europe is in danger!

But I will give him his answer. No, there is no truth in the accusation.

No, there was no manipulation of the border settlement.

How could there be? What is he suggesting?

That five distinguished international judges acted corruptly?

If he is, then let him say so.

Mr Tom Makepeace.

I was not suggesting that the judges acted corruptly.

I am questioning whether

they were adequately briefed about the oil deposits,

whether information was held back by this government

to further British interests

at the expense of the local Greek community.

Hear, hear!

Is it any wonder that they're protesting and demonstrating?

Is the Prime Minister able to comment on that?

I have to inform the House that half an hour ago

the British High Commission in Cyprus was attacked by an armed mob

and the High Commissioner

and some of his staff are being held as hostages.

The Right Honourable Gentleman might well reflect on the consequences

that follow malicious rumour-mongering.

Perhaps he might now wish that he had remained silent

instead of fanning the flames of riot and disorder.

I could say more,

but my thoughts must be with our countrymen

whose lives are in peril.

If the House will excuse me now,

I have to take urgent counsel with my ministers.

This is even better than we dared hope.

An act of wanton aggression

calling for decisive action by a strong leader,

someone who will put a bit of stick about.

"Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war" and so forth.

Do not mistake me. My anger and determination is real.

I feel it. It courses through my veins.

I feel strong again. I feel young again.

- General Gough. - Prime Minister.

May I present Claire Carlsen, my PPS, Geoffrey Booza Pitt, John Rayner,

Michael Wolfin and Commander Corder?

- We've met. - Come and sit down.

I see this as a military as well as a political situation.

I regard it as tantamount to a small war.

Will you negotiate over the return of the hostages?

No, we will retake the High Commission. There are British citizens there.

Those terrorists gave us no warning. They'll get none.

I want minimal British casualties,

not so fussy about their people. Can you do it?

It's a bit tricky, element of surprise.

We want to kick the shit out of them.

Broadly speaking, yes.

We want to beam it all back home,

our boys bounding through the olive groves...

Sorry.

I gather that a man called Theodopolous is the focus of all this

and the main threat to Nicolaou.

Extreme nationalist. Been out of fashion lately,

but knows how to wind them up.

He must see this as his big chance.

We could simply take him out.

I think we need to make urgent diplomatic noises,

try and persuade Theodopolous to talk the thing through sensibly.

Would that provide the necessary element of surprise for your chaps?

Yes, I think it would.

Hello... Hello?

Jardine here, sir. We're in. No British casualties. Just one snag.

The High Commissioner's not here any more.

- Where is he? - No idea, sir.

- OK. Well done. - Thank you, sir.

- You heard that? - It's a triumph.

A moral and a military triumph. Thank you very much.

What about the Commissioner?

It will be presented as a triumph

and when we've tracked down the terrorists

and punished them

and reinstated the Commissioner, that will be another triumph.

Thank you. Goodnight.

As the prisoners leave the building

to be handed over to the civil authorities,

we speak to Major Jimmy Jardine who led the assault.

We had the advantage of surprise which helped to minimise casualties.

Very pleased about that. None of us likes killing people.

How do you feel today, Major Jardine?

Satisfaction that we did our job and did it well.

Very proud of my men. Chuffed to the bollocks, reallyI

What a curious phrase "chuffed to the bollocks".

It's kind of folk poetry, really.

Look at this, Francis!

"Kebabbed!" I think that's awfully good.

Even the "Guardian" has a tone of grudging admiration.

Yes, it's worked so far, but we have to be prepared to do as much as it takes.

- Subdue the whole island? - I hope it won't come to that.

But we must uphold the rule of law and honour our promises.

- Which promises did you have in mind? - To President Nicolaou.

- Our Falklands. - Our Falklands.

I'm awfully sorry.

I hope we can rearrange it. John's really keen to have you on.

I knew this would happen.

Bloody British Broadcasting, you waste my time!

Dad!

- Will he be all right? - He'll be fine.

- I really am sorry. - It's not your fault. Goodbye.

- Hello! - Hi!

- What happened? - They cancelled my father's interview.

Let's go up there.

Cypriot war graves aren't hot enough news.

Everything's about the storming of the High Commission.

If they held a second ballot now, he'd romp it.

You only think about party leadership?

No, of course not.

But anyone who attacks him now is going to look like a traitor.

Just keep asking the questions. He's had his triumph.

Maybe now he will share all the oil and release all the secrets.

- I doubt it. - Then it'll all go wrong for him.

The whole settlement will break down. It needs the consent of the people.

Right.

Time for mending fences now, time for healing wounds.

Good. That's absolutely the right line to take.

We'll fix that old bastard yet.

Order! Order!

Mr Tom Makepeace.

May I congratulate the Prime Minister on a flamboyant gesture

which maybe did more harm than good?

Two more Cypriots dead at British hands, two more widows.

Two more graves.

It is sad. It is very sad.

I'm sure he must feel it as much as I do.

I'd just like to ask the Prime Minister if he can reassure the people of Cyprus

that he has their best interests at heart.

- Hear, hear! - Order!

Prime Minister.

I'd like to thank the Right Honourable Gentleman

for his remarks.

Those of us who know the pity of war at first hand

prate less freely about it.

We now intend to find and release the High Commissioner

and to offer assistance to President Nicolaou

to re-establish the rule of law.

Should we give in to terrorism and the threat of terrorism?

- Hear, hear! - Order, order! Mr Tom Makepeace.

Would it not be a generous gesture

to ensure that the oil revenues

should enrich both communities in Cyprus?

Not just a conglomerate of British and Turkish interests?

Would it not be simple common sense

to now release all the papers relating to EOKA graves?

- Hear, hear! - Order!

Order!

Prime Minister.

I see no reason to intervene

in perfectly proper commercial practices.

Nor do I see any reason to interfere

in the perfectly proper regulations of the Official Secrets Act.

Is the Prime Minister hiding anything personal

regarding the Cyprus graves?

I never thought to hear such words spoken in this House.

If the gentleman had set out to foment unrest and violence,

he could not have chosen a better way.

Let him reflect, if more blood is shed in Cyprus,

it will be upon his conscience, not upon mine.

Tom.

- Have you got a minute? - Yes, of course.

No one else seems keen to talk to me.

Most people were very moved, Tom. I was very moved.

You're right. It is time to heal wounds.

I'm trying to get Francis to see that, but he's on such a high.

I just want you to know I'm still with you.

How can you be with me when you're with him?

Tom, it's just a job. I'm an ambitious girl. You know that.

That question at the end rattled him.

Have you got anything that would stand up?

Is that what this conversation is about?

He sent you after me to find out how much I know?