Baby Love

Once upon a time there was...

or there never was...

or maybe there will be, one day...

a queen without a king, and her castle.

We won't tell you the story of the king...

but just the story of the queen and her step-daughter.

In fact, the king wasn't a real king...

but just a notoriously unlucky, but independently wealthy castle builder!

When he died he left his young wife the fruit of a previous marriage...

a beautiful young girl named Baby Love...

4427 angry creditors and...

the Castillo de la Pelota Del Pomponero

y de la Pica , y de la Vaca Blanca , y de la Vaca Negra ...

y de la Vaca Grassa , y de la Vaca Magra .

But what of these four mysterious characters appearing in our story?

- We should have had this meeting at Yalta! - We do not agree!

What are we doing?

After two hours on that dusty road, I've about busted my pepperonis!

Pepperonis?

Pepperonis?

Ah! Pepperonis!

First of all, by way of welcoming you...

I want to praise your punctuality.

So, gentlemen...

I trust that our lengthy correspondence has already made everything clear.

Now please, let's review the situation...

and proceed to concluding the contract.

Of course, we must establish the currency for the payment.

You can decide that yourselves.

- Yen, of course! - Nyet yen! Rubles!!!

No, better make it U.S. currencydollars!

- Why not Italian currency? - Which is?

- Promissory notes! - Since there is no agreement, I choose the dollar!

So, gentlemen, we can start the negotiations.

Who's to be first?

We decided to be represented by Dr. Ci Fè Chen Pien.

Oh, sorry! My nose has a very strong sense of smell!

Mine too. It smells an asshole!

My very honorable and perfumed lady, my talent is being able to recognize...

the perfume of fruits, of flowers, and the essence of females.

Fu-ci-lin the Wise says: "Happiness is certainty's daughter."

So, in order to be happy, my gentle and perfumed lady, we must be celtain.

Not "celtain"certain!

I don't know what you might smell from such a distance!

Perhaps my Lily of the Valley? I'm impressed!

You're probably wondering what all that was leading up to.

My dear lady, I am pleased to inform you that we've come to an agreement...

and that we accept your terms...

if the guarantees provided in the contract justify signing the contract!

Thank you gentlemen, then we can start signing.

You must understand, gentle and perfumed lady...

that this endeavor has required a considerable financial investment on our part.

Therefore we need some assurance that the graceful Baby Love...

possesses all the requirements to become our secret agent...

and marry the son of the great emperor.

Yes, the Emperor of Smell!

Shut up! Don't be lude!

Did you mean lewd?

Excuse me, as usual, I need to intervene.

Mr. Cannamozza, Dr. Ci Fe Ten Pie meant RUDE, not LEWD!

You think I'm stupid? I was just joking!

We Sicilians are a high-spirited people!

We even export our spirit abroad, where they make it into whiskey!

Stop it, gentlemen! That's enough!

Behave yourselves!

You're not in a brothel!

- Mr. Zimmerman, you should be ashamed of yourself! - I'm sorry!

- His sister is sorry - That's enough!

Stop with this nonsense!

Dr. Cannamozza, we're here to discuss very important business, not to joke!

Here we practice austerity, continence, devotion, sobriety and even sexual abstinence!

I know perfectly well that her intended husband is the heir of a great and wealthy empire.

But I also know that my Baby Love, with the education I have given her...

is worthy of the position!

Baby Love is the right girl! Because of her rank, status, culture, beauty...

and spirit!

Her father - may God hold him in his glory - left her to me, together with this old castle...

that he himself built on land bought at a good price...

along with the servants and other assets that allowed me...

to prepare the girl for a bright future!

We're here to make sure the girl is a virgin, God-fearing and willing to do anything.

My colleagues and I agree that it is necessary to seal the deal as soon as possible.

We just want to be assured of the integrity of the merchandise...

to avoid any last-minute surprises!

In Siberia we say, "if you buy a pregnant cat, a dog will be born."

You have the word of the Lady of Pelota Del Pomponero, y de la Pica y de la Vaca Blanca y de la Vaca Negra...

Before closing the deal, we require a thorough inspection of the girl's assets!

Inspect her ass?

Never! Madmen!

Limp little worms!

I should let my intact pearl be inspected by you?

And before closing the deal?

Never! Never...

ButI only said "asset," not "ass"...

She's pretty pissed off!

What can we do now?

Something doesn't smell right!

Yes...

A Ukrainian proverb says,

"What's art at dawn, is fart at dusk."

And remember that my Baby Love is as pure and clean as a diamond!

You disappointed me, gentlemen! I consider the deal to be canceled!

How did you dare doubt my word and ask for assurances!

The Cossacks have a saying,

"We want to see the token, to ensure that it's not broken."

"Broken"? I'll break something. Your head, you frozen Siberian!

I've had enough!

You want to check? So be it!

But mind youit will cost you a lot!

And another thing it will be performed my way! Okay?

Give me the time needed.

In the meantime, my maids will prepare some good Turkish baklava for you...

together with the best red wine, from my vineyard, of course.

What is it, mama?

It's just this, my sweet baby. This is a great day for you!

You have such a beautiful body!

You get more and more beautiful every day!

We cannot waste that body! Let me handle this!

It's for your own good! You will be the most beautiful doll...

in a beautiful game, my baby!

The Sleeping Beauty who will be awakened by the kiss of a Prince Charming!

So nowthe ceremony is about to begin.

Here is our corporate stock! The quintessential good investment!

Gentlemen, check well and judge accordingly!

Let me remind you that each of you is entitled to just one share...

corresponding to one body part of our corporate stock.

This is to avoid hoarding that may cause international tensions.

Gentlemen, look. Take a good look!

Look, but don't touch!

There are no other rules, gentlemen.

Play your game!

Let us proceed. The bidding may now begin!

The girl's naked sexual organ is an essential part of the body.

A good idea from the Middle Ages, that chastity belt!

It's a good guarantee for our deal.

You have the key. We have a blacksmith.

I've said what I think, my friend.

Holy Mother, she's Heavenly!

My God! My God! She's wonderful. My God!

I'm climaxing too!

We're all climaxing, here!

Take a good look at the corporate stock so we can complete the formalities...

assuming you've read Articles 1, 2, 3 through 12...

omitting Articles 13, 14, 15 through 24...

in front of the full meeting, including the two ex-officio witnesses.

You may proceed with bids for the first share.

I'll open at 100,000 dollars!

One million rubles!

I beg you pardon? I said dollars!

Chinese dollars?

I offer one million dollars!

Why offer so much for such little feet?

What? It's not for the pussy?

No! You don't understand! It's not for the pussy! It's for the feet!

Nyet! I withdraw my offer!

I'll wait for...

the pussy.

You're getting soft?

I'll take the feet for one million dollars!

At last we have a break through!

So, the feet go for one million dollars to the very honorable Dr. Ci Fe Tan Pie!

Now, gentleman, let's open at $200,000.

And since the price will go up, we'll also go up with the body parts!

So, who'll offer more than $200,000?

- $100,000 - $200,000

- $300,000 - $400,000

- $500,000 - $600,000

Let the American have it.

It's still not for the pussy?

You really are stupid!

Why offer so much for her ass? You want the pussy! Now you also want her ass?

Nyet! No ass!

Will you make up your mind, boys?

I confirm my withdraw.

Because the girl hasn't followed a Kazakhstani diet based on...

pickles, Black Sea algae and sour milk...

she'll develop a big belly and a fat ass.

My target is the pussy!

Now you're playing hard to please?

Let's change the subject!

Beautiful! Beautiful!!!

Don't move! Hold still!

My head is spinning!

Damn! Now I have a belly ache!

I feel sick...

Sorry. My hat fell off.

What are you doing?

Where are you going?

What are you doing?

The pussywhy don't you let anyone?

What are you doing?

What are you saying?

Well! Now that we've cleared the air, we can resume the negotiations.

So, who will offer more?

I bid one million dollars!

- Why not two? - Okay! Two million!

Wow! You took me for my word! My compliments!

The wise man says, "Hair is stronger than steel."

And now gentlemen, we'll open at $150,000 dollars for the best part.

Everything! I'll give you everything I have!