Bloodsucking Bastards

Well, this is pretty much the grossest thing I've seen.

No, ma'am. It's actually a lot better than that.

Let me, let me pull something up on my computer really fast.

Oh, there it is.

Um, did you know that nine out of ten doctors

recommend this as the only way to quit smoking?

Can you hold on a second? Fuck you! Fuck!

Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker.

- Hey, Tim. - Oh, hey, Evan.

Have you guys put together the numbers

for Friday's presentation yet?

What presentation?

Phallusite. Phallusite presentation.

Oh, is that the bigger dick thing pill...

- Natural male enhancement, yeah. - Right.

- Does that thing even work? - It totally works.

- I Heard it turns your junk green. - It still works.

Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it works.

All that matters is that we land the account, all right?

And then I can remove "acting" from acting sales manager.

Hmm, well, I'm on it, man.

- You can count on me. - Thank you.

Pick it up. Pick up the gun.

- They never... - Tim.

- Tim. - I'm on a sales call.

Ma'am, listen, if you're not gonna buy this...

- You're gonna die. - Shit!

Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy.

You, too? Mike, get to work.

- You owe me 50 bucks. - Shit!

Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks?

Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge, but you wouldn't happen to have

that $20 you owe me for the NCAA tournament pool, would you?

Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry.

It's been such a bear collecting from people.

Kinda short on cash this month.

My cat has a cleft palate he needs surgery for.

He's constantly lapping milk into his eyes.

It's really tragic.

Hey, bada-bada-bada...

That's baseball, dumb ass.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I fuck up the rules

of this incredibly well-defined and professional sport

that we just came up with?

Yeah, I'm just saying that this is clearly a basketball throw.

Okay, but I'm sure someone has thrown a baseball...

Yeah, nobody has ever thrown a baseball.

- In the history of baseball... - No adult male has.

In the history of baseball, major league baseball...

- Uh, can I help you? - Yes, thank you, actually.

I'm supposed to be working with Evan Sanders today.

- Yeah, he comes in at 9:30. - It's 10:45.

Look, look, you can actually see it vibrate.

Of course, because there's more than one element.

So is Evan here or should I grab a cubicle...

You'll know when he gets here, okay?

He'll start bugging you for shit.

Now, if you need something to do, you can get me coffee.

- Aren't you already drinking... - Hey, sport.

You see that garbage over there?

Grab it and throw it in the dumpster in the garage.

Don't we have a good janitor who can do that?

Yeah, well, his time's valuable. Goodbye!

- All right. - Byeee!

Don't waste those.

Five-five. This is it.

- That's the one. - This is the one.

- I can feel it. - All right.

Yes!

Identify yourself, soldier.

Oh, uh, I'm Jack, the new intern.

I'm just taking out the trash.

- Don't we have a janitor for that? - You do.

- Jerry. - Frank.

Follow protocol.

It's my first day.

Thanks for pitching in.

- Screws up his equilibrium. - What's up, dildos?

Hey there, Andrew. Sorry to be a Pokety Paul,

but you wouldn't happen to have

that money you owe me for the NCAA pool, do you?

- Didn't I lose that thing? - It's not about that.

It's about office fun.

My cat's got a cleft palate, is allergic to some types of air.

- Hey, Mike. - Fuck off!

All right. A little early for that kind of language,

but tomorrow works for me too, buddy.

- All right, well, see you. - See you, Dave.

Real nice, guys.

No one pays Dave, he's gonna stop running the pools.

No, he's not. It's the only way anyone ever talks to the guy.

Tim,

I thought you were working on the Phallusite presentation.

What's Phallusite?

You kidding me? Have you guys done any work today?

No.

Hey, boys.

Hey!

Damn! For head of HR, you look fucking sexy.

Too kind, too kind.

- Mandy, can we please talk? - Don't call me Mandy.

Andrew, how was your weekend?

Uh, it was good. I banged my neighbor.

Finally. All right!

You're talking about the hot Ukrainian chick?

Uh, it was actually her mom.

- That's decent. Proud of you. - Mandy.

Please, can we talk privately? Just somewhere else.

Why? This is a corporate break room.

Since we just have a business relationship,

then, whatever it is that you need to say to me,

you can say in front of all of our business associates.

Right?

Okay, fine. All right. Look, what happened... What I...

I should have said, okay, is that...

Hey, congratulations on that NCAA pool.

Yeah, thanks. You know, I actually hate Duke,

but they win, so...

Well, uh...

You guys have a great day.

Except for you. Hope yours is a horrible piece of shit.

- Well, not if yours isn't first. - Right.

Hey, I don't want to overstep my bounds,

but what the fuck? Jesus!

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, that was just really uncomfortable, that was like...

I will. I know the story. I'll totally talk about it.

So, they're together. Just the two of them, right?

Evan.

I love you.

No.

How could you just say no?

You could have said anything else,

like literally anything.

I can't even wrap my brain

around the way, like, you would say no.

Fire! This could have been the one time

- you could have said fire. - No.

You could've called her a bitch, that would have been better.

- Just silence, just... - No.

You could have spoken in tongues.

You could have

- Not even English. German! - Nein.

I get it, okay. I get it. I understand.

Yes, I screwed up. I understand that, okay?

It just kind of came out, guys. I don't know what happened.

I just screwed up.

You did screw up, man.

She is the coolest girl ever.

I mean, remember when she kicked all of our asses at paintball?

Why did she have all that camo on her face? Unreal.

Honestly, I bet dating her is like dating a guy.

Who is like a hot chick that has a, you know, like a penis.

So, not a girl?

No, still a girl. Did you not listen to what I just said?

- All right. - No, it's a hot girl

with a beautiful penis but she's still...

She's still a chick.

She just has guy parts.

- I-I get where you're going. - It's a feminine penis.

What if it was a guy with a vagina?

He makes a good point.

- I'm an idiot. - Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, you and me, a couple of margaritas.

That is so offensive.

Why? That isn't racist.

I know it's not racist. I like margaritas.

I'm just offended that you think I would date you.

Has anyone seen Andrew? Andrew!

Hey, Andrew, could you please get your phone?

It's ringing off the hook, man.

Oh, probably one of my

man-like 15 female suitors.

Your suitors are man-like?

No, no, no. I mean, man-like man!

Not man like man-like. You know, man like man...

Stop saying "man-like."

Could you get your phone? It's probably a sales call.

Probably a business-related sales call.

I'll give you the business-related later.

I'll talk to him, okay?

Uh, I heard what happened with you and Amanda breaking up.

Oh, you heard about that?

Yeah, well, she's the head of HR,

and she put out a memo.

- Um, I-I... - All right.

Andrew, get the phone!

- Evan. Can I bend your ear? - Yeah. Hey.

How's the presentation coming?

You're gonna be ready by Friday?

Yeah, Friday. Yeah, sure, Ted. Yeah.

Yeah, we need this account, Evan.

Sales have been bad,

but if we land this fish, you'll save all our asses.

Yeah.

I know male enhancement

isn't the most glamorous product in the world, but...

No. My sources tell me it works actually.

Tell me if you need anything,