Archer

What do you mean "Lana hasn't called"?

I mean, I've been sitting here for like five million years,

and the phone hasn't rung once, and so every time it doesn't,

I just assume it's not her, not calling to say they...

They should've rescued Sterling and Rip from the pirates hours ago!

- Maybe they did and just didn't call... - No,

I gave them explicit orders to What the hell are you wearing?

Uh, this thing cal cd my boss made

me sleep at my desk, so pajamas?

Men's pajamas?

For God's sake woman, where is your pride?

In my work.

That may be the funniest thing you've ever said.

Thank you.

Oh shut up.

And then try Lana's sat-phone! Wait, what if Lana's been captured, too?

Then I'll have to ransom her and Sterling and Rip and, well no,

Miss Gillette's on her own.

Still, get Cyril in here!

I need him to find a way to pay for all this!

Wait a minute, that can't be right... I remember being really

mad and really drunk and deciding to do some online Banking! Oh my God,

I must have embezz, arrassed myself last night, huh?

Don't talk like black people, and how should I know?

I'm still ripped.

So, you don't, um, happen to remember me saying

anything about passwords to say, Swiss bank accounts?

I don't even remember who peed on your sofa.

- Although, if I was a gamblin' man... - Cyril!

What!

Ugh, smells like a kennel in here.

Cash reserves, how much do we have?

- I'll, uh, need to run those numbers - Well hurry up,

we don't have a minute to lose!

God only knows what kind of torture Sterling's going through.

Get off the bucket.

I'm not done.

Yes, you are.

But I didn't, you know, I can't with all the everybody

looking at me, and then the judgements.

Noah?

Yes?

I just traveled eight thousand miles and got ambushed

by Malaysian pirates trying to rescue a person who is now

responsible for my getting crabs twice?

Oh come on, These crabs, this time, were not my fault.

- This whole dungeon is, um... - Were you gonna say "lousy with them"?

- I was, but then I realized that's... - Where that phrase comes from, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So Guess what I'm in.

No mood?

Winner winner, chicken dinner.

Wait, shouldn't it be some kinda crab dish?

Because of the crabs?

Like crabcakes?

Ooh, or Lana.

Lana.

Lana.

Lanaaahhhhh!

What?

Dugenon us crabs.

Cause we're in a dungeon.

I'm kidding, crab rangoon.

Noah, seriously, I swear to God... Stop.

Rock beats spoon, you should know that, you're an archaeologist.

Ann!

Thropologist!

I mean if you're doing it just to get on my nerves, okay I get it,

- but if you're trying to actually escape... - Well at least he's trying something.

- As opposed to the doublemint twins... - Meh!

And it's one, two, three, go Herd!

- Missed it by that much - Shut up.

It's no use. That trap door goes up a vertical shaft to the radio room...

- Exactly, and if we get to the radio... - Which this idiot shot to piece...

Holy shit.

Wh-?

What the hell happened to him?!

- He... - Who knows?!

Maybe a brain aneurysm!

No, he... It's the silent killer!

Noah!

Not unlike a metal spoon.

Sharpened to a razor's edge and used to slit an anthropologist's

birdlike throat.

- He just kinda keeled over... - Probably thanks to your bucket-stankch.

Wh-?

I didn't even go!

We're going, one, two, three, down Herd!

Oof!

Jeez, how bout a little warning?!

I said "Down Herd."

Couple things, one, Ray, thanks for perpetuating the

stereotype of the gay man as collegiate cheerleader...

For your information, almost all male cheerleaders are...

- Finely-tuned heteroathletes, yeah, hang on, I'm getting a call.

Brrnng, hello?

Hi, it's lacrosse, you lose.

Lacrosse?!

Yeah, it's Algonquin for bloodsport?

That's not Algonquin for anything.

Noah?

My sat-phone!

Yeah, Noah, her, wait, your what?

My sat-phone!

The pirates took it!

And since I haven't called in, ISIS should be calling me any time now!

Jeezow Lana, answer your stupid phone.

Hello?!

Gimme Sterleen Archer mudda!

Oh my God be more Chinesey.

Pirates, line two!

Wh-?

Well for -- put them through!

Oh my God be more I hate you.

That's why your phone is blinking!

Oh. Hello?

- This is Malory Archer... - This is Malory Archer...

Okay, den you lissen to me!

No, you just listen to me, buster!

Bucky!

If you touch one hair on my son's head,

I'll have your guts for garters!

You like wear garter?

Wh-?

It's an idiom!

You heathen!

Malory will call, she'll haggle over the ransom for me, you and Riley.

What about me?

And me?

- We'll come back for you later - No, shut up,

we gotta get that phone, or something, I don't know,

but I don't want Mother talking to Bucky!

Why not?

She's been coming to your rescue since you were in short pants!

Rr. Rr. Rrr!

Oh for, Sterling get your things. We're leaving.

Before this quack's office burns to the ground.

Rr. Rr. Rrr!

Sterling get your things.

We're leaving.

Before this cruddy school burns to the ground.

Rr. Rr. Rrr!

Sterling get your things!

He's gay.

You were in the army?

Oh, who remembers.

Well, try!

I can't!

Remember!

There's a reason they call it "black-out drunk!"

If I don't remember that password I can't unembezzle that money,

and then I'm screwed because I don't have - Ten million dollars?

That's outrageous, I won't pay it, I don't even want the gay back.

So you better just sharpen your pencil.

- I don't have penc... - It's an idiom!

Aw, but I love it when Malory bails you out of one of your idiot jams.

Oh really.

Yeah, 'cause then I get to watch her rub it in your face.

- Oh my God, okay first of all -- - First of all!

Wh-?!

Riley no!

Don't say it!

He's been here voluntarily!

Partying his ass off, as king of the pirates!

What?

Don't listen to him, I bet that brain aneurysm

scrambled les Broca's area.

Language center of the brain?

Noah.

Thank you.

No problem.

Actually not making much progress.

You're kidding.

No.

Three million, and not a penny more.

And before you see one thin dime, I want to talk to Sterling!

Cyril!

Waagh!

- Hey, Ms. Archer... - Three million in cash?

That, uh, should not be a problem.

I know it shouldn't be.

And it better not be.

Why would it be, it's not, I just need to move a little money around.

So move it.

Today please!

Keep looking, maybe I wrote it down!

Archersucks, no.

Killarcherdie, no.

- Uh - Just trying all my usual passwords.

Hey, way to not give him the power.

Thank you.

Do you hear me?

I want proof of life!

Duh.

- You lying pathetic little piece of -- - Hooof!

Lana no! C'mon, you're gonna kill him!

Yeah, that's the plan!

Hey!