A Series of Unfortunate Events

Good evening, and welcome to Lachrymose News,

where things that are happening keep happening until they stop.

Not unlike the plight of the Baudelaire orphans,

whom, viewers will recall, lost their parents

and their home in a terrible fire.

With the latest update on their dire plight

is our co-anchor Vincent Fig Demetrios.

- Vincent? - Thanks, Veronica.

Viewers will recall that following the fire,

the Baudelaires were sent to live with Count Olaf,

a villainous actor and an active villain who has vowed repeatedly

that he will stop at nothing to get his hands on the enormous fortune

the Baudelaire parents left behind.

Let's hope so, Vincent.

Coming up next, some very nice people were poisoned.

But first, the weather.

If the story of the Baudelaire orphans were a weather report,

there would be hardly any sunshine to be seen.

Instead, there would be cloudbursts of unhappiness.

Blizzards of despair.

Misery in the form of sleet storms.

Various cold fronts of terror.

Horror.

Attacks of allergies.

Not to mention the threat of a devastating hurricane lurking just off the map.

If you didn't know about the Baudelaire orphans' unfortunate history

and you saw them disembark from the Fickle Ferry

and arrive at Damocles Dock,

you might think they were bound for an exciting adventure.

Here we are, Baudelaires. Deemo...

- But you would be dead wrong. - Dimmo...

- My name is Lemony Snicket. - Dudy Damo...

- It's my sad duty... - Democlay...

to tell the tale of the Baudelaires' tragic lives.

Dimoclath...

But you likely have no such responsibilities...

- Dimoclat... - And should escape from this sad story...

- Demcaca... - before another storm of melancholy

- engulfs you in dampness and misery. - Dock.

It's pronounced Damocles.

After the probably apocryphal figure in Sicilian mythology.

Well, I don't have time to learn things. The banking day has already begun.

In any case, I'm sure you'll be off on some exciting adventure

with your new guardian.

Remember, you can always rely on us at Mulctuary Money Management.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I will leave you alone on this mostly deserted dock

to await for your taxi to your Aunt Josephine's house.

She's not meeting us here?

Strangely, she said she'd be unable to come to the dock,

and I didn't think it polite to ask why.

Perhaps she's planning a surprise party for you children.

Which reminds me,

I know you've had a frightening and mystifying time

with that horrible man, what, um, Count...

- What's his name? Um... - Olaf.

Olaf. Who knows where he came from?

You put us in his care.

I wouldn't exactly call it care.

He's a thief and a murderer, and so far has completely escaped capture.

But I have the thing that just might turn things around.

Peppermints!

Delicious peppermints! My second favorite candy when I was a boy.

You can eat them in the taxi on the way to meet your dowager aunt.

- What's that? - Oh, Violet, I'm surprised at you.

A girl your age should know that a taxi is a car

that takes you someplace for a reasonable fee.

And this should just about cover it.

Cheers, Baudelaires!

Good luck.

- "Dowager" is a fancy word for widow. - Thank you.

Should we have told him we're allergic to peppermints?

It didn't seem worth mentioning.

We have a lot more important things on our minds.

Like asking Aunt Josephine if she can help explain

all the strange and mysterious things that keep happening to us.

And how to get a taxi.

Does anyone need a ride somewhere for a reasonable fee?

- This town doesn't seem very crowded. - It's the off-season.

When the weather's nice, this town is as crowded as can be.

But around now, things are as dead as the cat I ran over this morning.

Hold on.

I hope your Aunt Josephine has enough food and supplies

when Hurricane Herman arrives. It's supposed to be a doozy.

I'm gonna sit it out in a cabin with the works of Herman Melville

and a large pot of vegetarian chili.

I thought hurricanes only occurred near oceans.

With a body of water as large as Lake Lachrymose, anything can happen.

You know, what's interesting is the storms in Herman Melville's work

are more metaphorical, or even allegorical,

rather than the naturalistic style of someone like Thoreau,

if you know what I mean.

The shore represents our tenuous hold on the earthly nature of mortal existence,

and the turbulent waters represent

the villainy and troubles in our own lives.

Like a threatening rowboat getting closer and closer with each passing moment.

Solitude.

Blissful contemplation of my inward eye.

Only when I am alone can I court the muse

and dream up the next step in my...

...glorious scheme.

And what is the next step, boss?

Brute force?

No, no. I need something worthy of this grandiose locale.

Something dashing, something romantic.

You know, in many ways, I am married to the sea.

This is actually a large lake.

I am married to the sea, but my girlfriend is a large lake.

- Land ho! - I told you to stop calling me that.

I'd say to him, "Lay off the big white whale for a few days.

See how you feel. Take a vacation. Rest your leg."

Wow!

Your aunt must be a remarkable lady to live all the way up here by herself.

We've been told Aunt Josephine is fierce and formidable.

She must be.

- Good luck! - Thank you.

I hope she really can answer all of our questions.

There's so much we don't know.

It's like we're standing on the edge of a precipice

with no idea what lies below.

In fact, it was exactly like that.

Although I do know what lies below,

which is a 300-foot drop into the freezing waters of Lake Lachrymose.

Still, standing on a precipice is better than slipping on a precipice,

or falling over a precipice.

So, before things get worse,

I would advise that you take note of the three words

the Baudelaires were about to find on Aunt Josephine's front door.

"Please go away."

Don't knock. You might get splinters.

This door is made of wood, which is teeming with tiny shards,

which in turn is teeming with infection. You must never knock.

I'm sorry. I'm sure you're right about all of that.

We're looking for our Aunt Josephine.

I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings...

Klaus and Sunny, of course, of course. Come in. Come in!

- The doorbell didn't appear to be working. - It's disconnected.

There is the danger of electrocution.

And be careful not to bump into the phone.

I've read quite a bit about electricity,

and I'm reasonably certain that doorbells and telephones are safe.

Not if you have a faulty pacemaker.

Does someone here have a faulty pacemaker?

No, but you can never be too careful.

Do you live with our Aunt Josephine?

I am your Aunt Josephine.

- You are? - Yes, of course.

- Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure.

Although, I prefer the word "certain." Follow me.

But mind the rug. You might trip and break your necks.

Fierce Aunt Josephine.

Formidable Aunt Josephine.

"Delmo"? What do you mean by "delmo"?

I consider myself an expert on the English language,

and I have no idea what the word "delmo" means.

Sunny doesn't speak fluently yet. Just baby talk, mostly.

Well, you have arrived just in time.

I know you've seen many unusual things.

- Yes, we have. - And you must have many questions.

- Yes, we do. - In my library,

you will find all the answers that you need.

- Are you ready? - We're ready.

Then open the door.

Ah! Just... just push on the wood.

The knob could shatter into a million pieces and hit your eyes!

Lake Lachrymose.

I know every island in its waters and every cave along its shores.

But now I can only stand to look at it from far away.

That's why I couldn't meet you on the docks.

I'm too haunted by the past.

Does this have anything to do with our parents?

Certainly not. It has to do with my husband...

Ike. He was my best friend, my partner,

and one of the few people I knew who could whistle with crackers in his mouth.

His specialty was Beethoven's fourth string quartet.

- Our mother could do that. - Her specialty

was Mozart's 14th symphony.

Yeah, that's right.

We were all friends, your parents and Ike and me.

We used to gather on these shores for picnics

and to develop our own secret codes.

- Our parents developed secret codes? - I'll never forget our last picnic.

I warned Ike to wait an hour after eating before going into the lake,

- but he only waited 45 minutes. - Did he get cramps?

That's what's supposed to happen if you don't wait an hour before you swim.

Cramps are one reason, but in Lake Lachrymose, there's another.

Part of the lake is a breeding ground for the Lachrymose Leeches,

which are quite different from regular leeches.

They each have six rows of very sharp teeth

and one very sharp nose

that can smell the tiniest bit of food from far, far away.

The Lachrymose Leeches are usually quite harmless,

but if they smell food on a human,

they will start to swarm around him and...

I apologize, children.

It is grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with the word "and,"

but I get so upset when I think about Ike.

- We're sorry we asked about him. - We didn't mean to upset you.

Aunt Josephine, you said you had answers for us.

Yes! Thank you for reminding me.