No Heroics

All today's services are cancelled

due to engineering works on the Eastern Line.

Machine, give cash.

Ding.

Cover your costume.

Better.

Hey!

No powers.

That includes your stick with gay magic, all right?

Bloody sorcerers.

Don't know why we let them in. They reckon they're proper superheroes.

Yeah, get back to the end of the pier!

He wrote me a letter. He says he's really changed.

They always say that, but deep down, they're all still bastards.

- Darling, you're so cynical. - I've just heard it all before.

"I used to be a super villain but that was the old me."

Such a cliche. I've heard that line more times than I've had hot...

spunk in my eyes.

What are you laughing at? It's me, isn't it?

No!

When we laugh it's not automatically about your jiggly boy boobs.

They don't jiggle, they flex.

What's that?

A letter from a super villain I caught last year.

You remember that creepy bloke, Lightkiller?

- Yeah, what was his power again? - Switching lights out, you idiot.

Right, Lightkiller. Makes sense.

- Jenny's gonna meet him at his place. - Prison.

If he says he's changed, then he's changed.

What's the worst that can happen?

He could break out, abduct you, torture you,

starve you, decapitate you, bleed you,

then skin you and turn your floppy carcass

into some kind of rucksack, for example.

I don't care. I'm still excited. Come on!

You dropp me off on the way to your job?

I hate corporates.

Don, explain to me again your exact definition of a retired superhero.

Running out of money. And in Spain, we have a saying.

"You cannot ride the donkey and suck his cock all at the same time."

- Know what I mean? - That'll be a no.

I think it's great Don's finally getting back on the horse.

- Not horse meaning heroin. - I miss the heroin.

See you.

- Wait a minute, both of you are going? - Yeah.

At the same time? Both of you?

It'll be fine. Just sit here and argue, like you normally do.

We're not gonna argue. We'll be fine, right?

Yeah, we can do this. We're adults.

- Well, I'm an adult. - Screw you.

- In your dreams, titty boy. - Going well so far.

SPA! That's ironic, isn't it?

Cos prison's not exactly a relaxing holiday.

- Ooh! Are these whooshy doors? - Yes.

- May I? - Yes.

- So... - Sorry, can I just...?

They've really got that noise right. That is the perfect whoosh.

- At last we meet again... - Sorry, can I? Just one more time.

- Yeah, go on, then. - Thanks.

So, Mr... Timebomb?

You've bodyguarded for us before?

Yeah, yeah, but not since '97.

Anything I should worry about?

Let's just say I prefer to avoid tunnels and Paris.

Right. Have you ever hit a child, Mr Timebomb?

- I don't think so. - Wait until you meet the Prince!

Sorry,

I'm having... quite... a bad nervous breakdown right now.

No problem. Me, too.

Great. Cos we believe there'll be an assassination attempt

- on the Prince's life. - OK.

There's one very important fact I need to know.

If you give me the wrong answer, we have no chance of making it through tonight.

- Go on. - Does the limo have a mini bar?

If we can't say anything nice, we shouldn't say anything.

You're right. Absolutely.

We can do this.

Hey, there's Thundermonkey! Simon, want a drink?

Sarah, you have not said one nice thing to me in your entire fucking life.

Why would I wanna drink with you?

- He's got a point. - And you've got a wobbly man rack.

Sorry.

Hello, operator services. How can we help?

You don't have to use those nowadays. I can hear you fine.

Oh, sorry.

I've just never been in a real prison before. It's exciting.

It soon wears off. After 17 months!

Is that how long it's been?

It's gone quick.

Funny, I was gonna say quite the opposite.

I'd shake your hand but...

Probably for the best, eh?

Wouldn't want you, I don't know, breaking out,

abducting me, torturing me,

starving me, decapitating me, bleeding me, skinning me,

then turning my floppy carcass into some kind of rucksack.

For example.

Don't worry, there's nothing scary about me any more.

Hey, don't do yourself down.

You know you're a shit super villain

when they let you keep your power in prison.

Really? I thought the green glow was some kind of anti-power beam.

No, it's just mood lighting. And if you don't like it...

- You've still got it, Lightkiller. - Yep!

I suppose now would be a perfect opportunity

for some of that skinning and decapitating you were mentioning.

Kidding.

Bit of prison humour for you there.

Phew!

Couldn't do anything even if I wanted to cos, you know...

Obviously, I could decapitate you. But...

that stuff with the rucksack sounded pretty complicated.

So, just to reiterate,

there is a small chance of assassination today.

What does "reiterate" mean, Lisa?

It means to say something again, Your Highness.

I knew that, you whore!

Yes, Your Highness. I'll leave you two boys to get to know each other.

OK.

Now fuck off!

Yes, Your Highness.

I can't believe they got me a superhero I've never heard of.

It's like they actually want me to die.

- I can't imagine why. - What's your power anyway?

- Are you very strong? - No.

- Can you walk through walls? - No.

- Show me what you do. - Fine. What did you have for breakfast?

Bagels.

That's utter shit!

Would you like to play with one of my knives?

Come on, we can do this.

What have you been up to lately?

Alex, you see me every fucking day.

How's the parents?

Still hate you. Yours?

Still dead, thanks for asking.

Sorry, I'm really having to concentrate on not insulting you.

You have been doing it for the last 15 years.

That's a lot of shitty memories.

Talking of shitty memories, I walked past that Greek restaurant.

Your birthday! That was a good night.

- You bought me a ring. So gay. - Did I?

All I remember is pouring booze on everything and you setting light to it.

Hey, Nikos, wouldn't this kebab taste better flambeed?

Wouldn't this tablecloth look better flambeed?

Wouldn't that waitress move better flambeed?

That's when they called the police.

Wasn't that the night I accidentally melted a condom onto my cock?

That was hilarious!

Alex, I had to go to hospital with vaginal burns.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, we just did a whole minute without arguing.

That deserves a drink. My round, I think.

Fine, I'll get them.

OK, but I need to go piss-piss.

That is one phrase I do not miss.

Not that I miss anything else.

Me neither.

Flambeed!

Oi, Dave, what are you? The Norse god of warm piss?

Drink it. No one else is complaining.

No-one else has the exquisite fucking taste that I do.

- Shooting your mouth off again, Devlin? - Sarah!

You'd prefer I was shooting off in your mouth.

- I don't get it. - You'll get it,

mostly in your eyes and your hair.

- God, you know exactly what women want. - Course I bloody do.

Two bottles of Shazamstel, please, Norsey.

So, what are you up to later?

Me and Alex are having a drink. Devlin, my eyes are up here.

What makes you think I give a shit about your eyes?

- Hold on, "me and Alex"? - Yeah!

- You're back together with Hotpants? - As if!

We're trying to go a whole evening without arguing.

My Christ! You're thinking of going back out with him.

- What a terrible waste of good snatch. - Oh, thanks.

You're jealous cos I said no to you.

Sweetheart, when you finally give in,

it's gonna be like, "Oh, yeah, down you go.

Somebody's hungry today."

- Devlin, what are you doing? - What does it look like I'm doing?

I used to have all these grand plans.

Stupid dreams, really.

- You can still achieve your dreams. - Vast power, world domination?

Probably not those ones.

Tough for a super villain, starting out!

I can imagine. All those laws.

You get a few bank jobs under your belt and everything's great for a while.

Except for the fact that you're evil. But...

There's money.

Suddenly, girls like you for the first time.

"Oooh, Lightkiller, that thing you do is so sexy.

Oooh, switch off the lights for me.

Oooh, now turn them on. Oooh, now switch them off again."

Yeah, everyone's your friend then.

But you get sloppy.

Partying starts to take its toll. You don't plan so much.

Some of your big speeches start to sound cobbled together. And then...

wham! A girl with super strength is suddenly smashing you

against the side of the Post Office Tower.