Vampire Dad

I'm Victoria, Goddess of the Underworld.

You caught me in my feeding hour, lucky you,

or I should say unlucky you.

Well let's get to it.

I don't have all day.

It was 1962, Halloween night,

the Walenskis were passing out candy to the local children.

I had a trick and Dr. Walenski was my treat.

Trick or treat.

Well happy Halloween.

Well here's a treat for you.

There you go, okay off you go.

You be safe now, brush your teeth, doctor's orders.

You have a wonderful night, bye now.

Hello doctor.

Raymond, Raymond!

Sweetheart, isn't it too much food?

Nonsense, it's our little Susie's sweet 16

and I want to make a breakfast that's fit for a queen.

I remember when you were 15.

Oh, do you now?

Oh, Raymond, what if she comes in here?

Oh.

Good morning.

- Hello dear. - Oh wow gee.

Yes, sweetheart I've prepared all of your

favorite breakfast dishes, see.

Oh mom, you didn't have to do that.

We want to ensure this is the best sweet 16 birthday ever.

Sure thing daddy-o.

So daddy, I was thinking you could pick me up

from school at 3:00 to go to the DMV.

Oh honey, I completely forgot.

You forgot?

We've been planning this for six months.

Something's come up.

I'm so sorry dear.

How could something just come up?

We've been planning this.

Darling your father and I have something to tell you,

but we don't want you to worry.

Last week, when I told you that your father

fell and hit his head and we had to block

all of the light out of the windows,

well that wasn't entirely true.

What do you mean?

Your father has a condition.

A condition?

Yes.

Hypermesisangrichavidarum.

Oh no, oh daddy.

I'm fine dear.

Your mother and I don't want you to worry.

It's...

Ah, hello there's the birthday girl.

Daddy, are you all right?

I'm fine dear.

Oh whoops, sorry about that.

Turn the fan on, it's...

Hey, what's wrong?

Uncle Bob, Daddy has hypermesisangrivadarum.

I'm so worried.

Raymond has an allergy to light Bob.

Oh, yeah, that sounds awful.

Yes it is awful.

He can't even take me to the DMV.

Oh sweetheart, I would take you,

but I have a giant cake to bake for your birthday.

It's okay I'll just get my license another time.

Well hey I can take you.

Really Uncle Bob?

Yeah, anything for you Susie Q.

Oh, well that's so kind Bob.

Isn't it dear?

Yes dear.

Oh, oh that's Margaret.

But but darling you haven't had any breakfast.

Here have an egg and a pancake.

- Thank you mom. - Oh.

Happy birthday my darling.

- Oh. - Bye daddy.

Bye.

Pick me up 2:45 okay?

Our little angel just hustling off

to be productive in this world,

my little bunny just skipping along.

Hypermesisangrigravitdarum.

What was I supposed to say?

How about I had an important client?

And make your daughter feel like she comes second?

Bob how many times do I have to tell you

not to bring blood into this kitchen when Susie's here?

Ah, sorry sis.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

Do what?

Never mind.

Oh, by the way you guys should have seen

the guy from last night that I worked on.

300 pounds, shut in, real sweet face,

you could tell he was a good guy.

Thank to heaven but the insides smelled nice.

Anyways, I got 15 liters out of him.

You're welcome.

We are so grateful for all your help.

What would we do without you?

Um, that's what family is for.

Speaking of which, when are you going to tell Susie?

- Never. - Never.

Now who could that be?

It's 7:30 in the morning.

Natasha, Natasha.

You doing all right there Raydog?

Hey sis.

Betty, I'm sure that you have absolutely

nothing to worry about.

No my Ginger only barks when she senses danger.

- Oh is that so? - Yes.

You know is the moon out recently?

Yes, because I hear that animals

are affected by lunar phases.

No no, it's more than that.

Hey sis, Raymond is acting real kook.

Oh hello.

Hi.

Do you care to introduce us sis?

Betty this is my brother Bob.

Bob, this is Betty.

- Oh Betty. - Bob.

That's a name as well.

Oh my this is Ginger.

I have never seen a finer dog in my life.

So you live near here?

Okay, don't even answer that.

That's all right.

Did you have something to tell me?

Uh uh.

- Bob? - Yeah.

It's just that Raymond is acting a little off.

- Raymond? - A little different.

A little different, what do you mean by different?

He's not really the same as yesterday.

Is everything okay?

Yes Betty everything is fine.

Everything is great.

It's bad.

How bad?

Pretty bad.

Is something going on?

- No Bob why don't you go... - I could make you a drink.

And Betty everything is fine,

I'll let you know if there's any unusual activity

in the neighborhood, all right?

- All right. - Stop by anytime.

- Yes, Goodbye Bob. - I'm usually here.

- I'd like that. - Ciao.

- Maybe tomorrow. - Yes, thank you,

- bye bye. - Bye Betty.

Bye.

This is bad.

Yeah, but at least he's cleaning up after himself.

Ms. Jones is Dr. Walenski.

Are you feeling better?

Yes, that is why I'm calling.

I need to reschedule our appointment for today.

No no, nothing is wrong.

I'm just a little under the weather

and I wouldn't want you to catch my bug.

Yes, I'm sure I'll be fine.

I will do that, okay thank you.

Hey Ray-dio, practice has really taken a dump eh?

Been there.

Well don't worry about it, everything's gonna bounce back.

Why are you so chipper?

Because my friend I believe

in the power of positive thinking.

There's nothing positive about this.

I'm a monster Bob.

Okay, A that's not true, you're not a monster.

You're a great dad.

You just love blood.

And B, this is very positive.

I mean look at me.

Before this happened, I was alone with dead people

and now I'm here with you guys,

draining cadavers, learning psychiatry.

We're best friends.

This is very positive.

What happens if I go completely crazy in front of Susie?

That's not gonna happen,

because I'm not gonna allow it.

No we'll figure it out.

You're a psychiatrist, let's psychiatrize this.

I got it.

I can hypnotize you.

It takes a trained professional

to properly hypnotize a subject Bob.

Nah, I've seen movies.

You are getting very sleepy.

No I'm not.

Your eyes find themselves closing.