Archer

Time and tide, they wait for no man.

Nor do I, Mr. Tunt, nor do I. And unless my demands are

met, I will launch my nerve gas missiles on New York,

Washington and Miami in... Eleven hours and -- oh look at

that, eleven minutes. Hey, make a wish.

Uh, I wish you wouldn't launch nerve gas missiles on

New York, Washing- And I wish you fools

would stop destroying the oceans! Overfishing, industrial runoff, don't even get me

started on whaling, oh, and plastic bottles?! That's --

I can't even - there is a floating mass of garbage in the Pacific

twice the size of the United States! Oh, and where the hell

is the news crew I asked for?!

With me! And with your permission, I'm sending them down in the DSV.

Good, yes! I need to get my message to the world!

Who'd you get? Oprah?

Bigger.

- Ya know... - Hello. Is that her?

I -- oh right, he can't see us.

Which has really got me... nettled!

Alright, Mr. Tunt, send them down. But if this is some sort of ruse...

Are -- was there a follow-up, or...?

No, I was leaving the consequences to your

imagination. But trust me, they are grave. As in watery grave?

I - Sealab out!

God damn it! Off! Turn off, you...

- So, I have a question... - How are none of these a minibar?!

Oh my God, I know what you mean, right? I mean it is a

giant floating biodiesel-

powered hotel room...

Don't get snotty with

me, missy! You people lure us out here to help the government

recover a hydrogen bomb- Which, let's be honest,

you were going to hold for ransom.

Reward! When the whole time you knew this crazy Murphy

character was going to bomb New York with nerve gas?!

Well!

Not to mention D.C. and Miami.

Which no one who matters will miss.

What about your South Beach condo?

Hello! Florida real estate collapse! It's farther

underwater than Sealab. But if my homeowner's policy covers

nerve gas attacks, that's a win-win.

Wow. So my question, ignoring the obvious one of why

an ocean research lab has nerve gas missiles in the first

place! Is how many men does Murphy have?

Mmmmmlike, two?

Oh, then -

Score. Two score, so

around forty, sorry, should've

finished that thmmpf.

Sooo, since we're talking about forty hostiles, I

have a follow up question.

Something something danger zone?!

- Ahhhhh! - I know, I'm not even trying anymore.

Archer- Noop! Randy! I'm

Cameradude Randy, and this

pathetic, trout-shouldered excuse for a boom operator is Chet.

Shut up, what's pathetic is your plan!

Wait, you have an actual plan?

Duh, yes Lana. So, obviously they're gonna search

us for weapons when we get down there, so wait whaaaaaaaat?

Something else danger zone.

Get Murphy alone, get him at gunpoint, and make him

disarm the missiles. Ya know, that might actually work.

Of course it'll work, I've thought through every aspect of the mission.

Hence those ridiculous fake mustaches, since Murphy's

never seen you before and has no idea what you look like?

God damn it, Archer!

No, that was just an experiment. I wanted to see if Ray looked

gayer without his.

- Ya know... - But you don't. You just look as gay.

Boop.

Sea Tunt to DSV Goddess. Wait for my command to

disengage the coupler.

Roger Sea Tunt, on your- Noop! Lana

move, I'm skippering.

- Archer, no! - Goddammit I'm skippering!

AAHHHHH!!!

Huh. Mildly inauspicious.

Asshole.

What Lana, I clearly called "skipper!" And I clearly

said "seatbelts," so... You only have yourselves to blame.

Really?

Jesus, Ray! Your nose is broken!

Really?

Cyril, gear bag! First aid kit!

Just give him a couple of tampons. What, that's their job.

Really?

Just give him some tam- I don't have any!

Do you... think that was wise?

Meaning?

Well I'm just assuming, I mean, your breasts

are slightly bigger, you're- Shut your stupid

mustachey dickhole and drive the goddamn submarine!

Slightly irritable?

Shut up!

Jesus, will you drop it?!

He tried to have me committed so he could steal my

inheritance! I hate him and I'm never speaking to him again ever!

But -- okay granted, that was super shitty. But trust me,

you don't want to go through life hating your only sibling.

- Take my sister Edie... - Ha, ha, ha, you have a sister?

Edie, yes, shut up, and when we were kids she was so

mean to me? Always teasing me, calling me Spamela, rubbing

cheese curds in my eyes? One time she stabbed me in the neck?

So, now you guys are super-close, or...?

Ha ha ha, hell no, I wouldn't piss on her neck-stabbin ass if

it was on fire.

Ugh, is this the infamous Edie?

Yeah, Pam thinks I should forgive Cecil since

he's the only family I have left.

Who could forgive a person who buys a boat this big with no bar on it?!

There was a ton of booze on the helicopter...

- Exactly, was... - Yeah sorry, I had to ditch it.

Well yeah, who needs a first aid kit when you've got

ten gallons of booze?!

Three and three-fifths gallons, Cyril, and I counted

'em so keep your mitts off!

Except to pass me one up here, but- Oh great! The world's first DSVUI!

May I finish?! But since I have zero experience

skippering submersibles, I should probably have something

light! So Cyril, I'm thinking coffee liqueur?

I mean, not even cooking sherry?

I got some Kentucky Moon in my- Ooh, gimme!

Dut dut dut dut! You drink it, you replace it. Grain

alcohol's a key component of a good bug-out bag.

A what?

Bug-out bag? Oh my God, for teotwaki?!

The bear from Star Wars?

The end of the world as we know it!

Pam's like, gay for doomsday, she thinks our

whole society's gonna collapse if we run out of oil or whatever.

If?! You mean when! Wow, and that is a perfect

example of a pre-post-peak-oil

mindset. The --

Ahhh. Say, this stuff

is pretty good. What did you say it was?

Basically pure ethanol?

Huh. Well God bless corn subsidies.

Who're you, Earl Butz?

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Oh for the-- I said I was sorry!

No you didn't!

Oh. Well I was planning to.

Oh, well then no hard feelings.

Good, because your shitty sarcasm notwithstanding,

I'm glad that's behind us so we can enjoy what is probably a

once in a lifetime ad- Rrrowrff!

venture, again?

Seriously? Why are you puking so much?

Ugh, because shut up and steer.

Here, take a pull off this guy.

No! For the like, ninth time, no!

Yes, c'mon, it'll take the edge off. And I think I

speak for everybody- No you don't.

-- shut up, when I say we'd all be a lot happier if you weren't so...

What, anxious?! About a half-drunk first-time-driving-a-

submarine idiot taking me to the bottom of the ocean to face

forty eco-terrorists led by a crazy person who's about to

bomb the entire east coast with nerve gas?!

I was gonna say- What?! What were you gonna say?!

They're going to say that I've gone insane, that

I've lost my mind. And that's fine, let them. Because the real insanity is the

systematic, my God the almost deliberate way, those bastards

are destroying our oceans.

And I hate that it's come to this, but I truly don't see an alternative.

So, you all know what you have to do, and I know you won't fail me.

Nor I you, gentlemen... nor I you.

I was gonna say "bitchy and periody" but then I thought better of it.

Okay, we're getting close. Let's go over

the legends again. Lana?

I am tough-but-fair investigative reporter Sojourner King.

Which, ugh, whatever.

Cyril?

Chet, sound guy.

That's it? C'mon Chet, the devil's in the details!

Like, I'm Randy Magnum, local Emmy-winning cameraman and

nationally ranked pro kitesurfer.

No you're not.

Well Randy Magnum is!

Ray, go.

- I am segment producer Carl Channing... - Oh my God, c'mon...

And -- what's Randy Magnum ranked?

Fourth.

And third-ranked pro kitesurfer.

What?! No you're not!

Carl Channing is.

Nobody is a nationally ranked anything! That is the

worst legend you could possibly have, it would literally take

ten seconds to check it out!

Yeah, Carl.

Okay, shut up, there it is.

Jeezy Petes, that thing is huge!

Sealab to DSV, over?

This is- This is DSV I'm skippering!

Um, okay. You sound pretty excited.

I am, actually. It's my first time.

Hey, super.

You're clear to dock, so just head for the lights.

And I'll be waiting for you.