Jesus Trejo: Stay at Home Son

Ladies and gentlemen, Jesus Trejo!

What's up, everybody?

Yeah!

Thanks for coming out, you guys.

Hey!

Thanks for coming out, man.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Well, thank you, guys. That's my time.

Man, thanks for coming out, man. I'm excited, man.

This is it. Um, man... life's good.

I can't complain. I just got an hourglass, so...

Very excited, man. I ordered an hourglass

and, man, it came and I was so excited.

I don't know what I needed it for,

but I was like, "I need one."

Well, the problem was I-I ordered a wrist watch

and an hourglass came. I'm like, "Oh, damn it."

You know?

Don't order stuff online high, you know?

But I use it. It was great.

I would use it to time everything.

I would time my showers. I just...

just go for it, you know?

And I would check in with it. Just...

I'm like, "I still got some sand."

You know what I mean?

I would time my number twos. That was fun, you know?

Just... and just go for it.

Like, "Ah, right."

I learned something. I learned that your legs

fall asleep about the hour mark. So...

That was fun, you know?

But I kept using it and I felt like something was off.

I did not know what it was, you know?

And, uh, so I used my phone and I timed it

'cause, hell, I got all day, you know?

So I timed it and it stopped at 47 minutes.

I'm like, "Aw, that can't be right.

So, let's try it again." You know?

Timed it, stopped it, 47 minutes.

I'm like, "Damn... now what?"

So I called customer service.

And I said, "Excuse me, I'm having a hard time

with my hourglass. It's... It seems to be defective."

And she's like, "Well, how can I help you?"

I said, "Well, um... I just need you to send me

13 minutes worth of sand.

Hello?" And she's like, "I'm here.

I'm here." I'm like, "All right, cool."

She's like, "That seems very odd to me."

I'm like, "Yeah, you're telling me, you know?"

She's like, "Well... Well, like, how would I even do that?"

I'm like, "Look, just send me 13 minutes worth of sand.

Like, grab an hourglass, turn it over,

wait 13 minutes, put your finger there...

put that in the baggie and send it to me."

She goes, "This is the craziest call I've ever had."

She's like, "How much does 13 minutes worth of sand

even weigh?" I said, "Great question.

Uh, let me look it up."

So, I looked it up on Google Conversion

and I learned something.

I found out that you can't convert

volume to time.

Even Google was like, "What the fuck did you mean?"

So I told her. I said, "I can't convert

volume to time." She's like, "You know what?

Um... I'm gonna put you on hold.

I'm gonna talk to my manager." I said, "Great.

Thank you. Appreciate it."

So I'm on hold for an hour.

I'm just waiting. Listening to classical music.

Some Chopin. Who knows, right?

She comes back. She's like, "You know what?

I have some answers for you. I said, "I'm all ears."

All right, she's like, "Well, it turns out

that sometimes the manufacturers of hourglasses

change the source from which the sand comes from

so there's some discrepancies in the sand.

Therefore, you know, sometimes you get a different

count on the hour." And I said, "Well, I don't know

what you just said, you know?"

I said, "I was on hold for an hour for that?"

She's like, "Are you sure it wasn't 47 minutes?"

I'm like, "Game on, lady."

And, uh, man, we went back and forth.

She wasn't happy and then she hit me

with the line that I was so jealous...

'cause I'm a comic I love a good joke,

but I wasn't ready for it. She literally goes,

"I don't know what to tell you.

Maybe you got the quicksand model."

I'm like, "Oh, you fucking bitch."

Hung up.

I was like, "All right, I'm outta here."

But thank you, guys, for coming out, man.

This is very exciting.

Thank you. Yeah.

Very, very exciting, man.

Uh, I'll introduce myself. Uh, my name's Jesus Trejo.

Uh, I'm from Long Beach, California.

Born and raised.

Yeah, yeah! Long Beach!

Yeah, born and raised. Uh, I'm a only child

- which is great, you know? - Yeah!

Yeah, you, too? Hell yeah.

Trying to get attention. I like it. Hell yeah.

That's a only child right there. For sure.

Did you have imaginary friends?

I did. Hell yeah.

You know what sucks about having imaginary friends?

When you run into them as a grown up.

I ran into one the other day at the grocery store.

I'm like, "David, what's up, player?"

He act like he didn't see me, you know what I'm saying?

I like being an only child. Man, it was great.

That's how I grew up.

Um, you know, if you ever wonder what it's like

to be a only child and have fun, go to any bar,

wait till 2:00 a. m., look at that one drunk guy

just standing there by himself looking down

and every two minutes you just see him go,

"Ha! That's funny."

That's how I grew up.

With great imagination.

But Long Beach is beautiful. It's a beautiful town, man.

One of my, uh, fondest memories is getting chased

by a crackhead, you know?

It was great, man. If you know anything

about crackheads you know that they have

infinite amount of energy.

They don't get tired, they're skinny,

and aerodynamic.

So, I was walking home from school and this crackhead

started to chase me and I'm trying to talk

to the guy. I'm like, "What do you want?"

He's like, "I want your shoes." I'm like, "But they're mine."

He's like, "Give 'em to me!" I'm like, "Aah..."

So I started running and, uh, he chased me.

And finally he grabbed me, threw me on the ground,

and look, I don't know how to fight,

so I didn't know how this was gonna go down.

He started taking my shoes off.

My only defense was to curl my toes inside the shoe.

I thought I was a genius. I was like in my head

I'm gonna hold on to the shoe a little longer.

He kept pulling. I kept arcing.

Took my shoes and left, man.

And I walked home in my socks and that sucks

'cause I didn't wanna get 'em dirty.

I would get a ass whooping when I get home, you know?

So, I got home. My dad was pissed.

He's like, "Hey, I just bought those shoes.

Where are they?" I'm like, "They took 'em."

He's like, "You didn't curl your toes like I told you to?"

I'm like, "Dad, I tried,

but the guy tickled me and I let go."

That's a true story. I got tickled by a crackhead.

You know how scary that is? To fear for your life,

but also have a good time?

Like, " No, those are my shoes."

So my dad was like,

"You know what? I'm gonna put you in karate."

He did. He put me in karate.

He tried to toughen me up.

Make me, like, a big, tough guy,

but, man, karate's a rip off.

Nobody stands still in a real fight.

They hit back.

I took it for five years. I'll show you in two seconds

everything I learned. Ready?

Here we go.

That's it, you know?

Oh, thank you, guys.

Yeah, try doing that in a real fight.

See how it goes, you know?

I don't wanna brag, but I got a orange belt

in karate. Just means perfect attendance.

My first fight was in middle school.

I thought I was ready. Some kid took my backpack.

I'm like, "Hey, that's mine." He's like, "No, it's mine."

And I'm like, "No, my name's on it."

He's all, "Fight me for it." I'm like, "All right."

And he squared up on me properly.

I'm like, "Oh, shit, I don't know that one."

So I just did what I knew. I went into my routine.

Just,

He didn't let me finish. He just went for the hit.

I'm like, "Oh, shit.

Like that hurt, man.

You're going out of order, man.

You're supposed to bow first, man.

And your shoes are still on, man.

This is concrete.

We need the blue mats only, man."

Long Beach, I love it, man.

I got held at gunpoint three times

before the age of 18. Yeah.

I'm getting good, you know?

I know it sounds weird, but, man, I learned a lot