American Dad!

¶ good morning, usa! ¶

¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶

¶ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶

¶ and he's shining a salute to the american race ¶

¶ oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶

¶ good morning, usa. ¶

Dad, dad, dad! Stan, stan! Dad, dad!

Stan, stan the man! You'll never believe it!

I've got something really big! You're gonna (bleep).

You're all gonna (bleep). One at a time.

Stan, the new tv guide came, and you'll never guess what--

Barbra does celine.

Barbra does celine! Huh?

Barbra streisand will be singing the songs of celine dion

In a one-night-only, live pay-per-view event!

I don't think barbra has the range

To sing celine's songs.

Shut your mouth, you stupid bitch.

So, listen, I'm going to need all your support

To make sure everything goes smoothly for me.

This could be the best night of my life,

And I don't want to have any regrets.

Like when I had the chance to take ecstasy

At the 2003 tony awards and didn't.

I should have, but I was sitting

Next to alan cummings, and I got scared.

Whatever. Hayley, you're up.

So, I think I finally figured out

Why you never want to talk to me.

Next. Somebody go next.

Dad, you know how I've been working really hard

With my a cappella group, here comes treble? Hmm.

My music teacher selected me to sing the national anthem

At the langley falls veterans day celebration!

That's fantastic!

My boy singing the greatest song ever written

To the greatest men ever made: American soldiers.

Steve, serenade me.

: ¶ oh-ho, ho ¶

¶ say, can you ¶

¶ see-hee-hee-hee, hee... ¶

Steven, what the hell?

Did you just watch the wiz or something?

I'm just putting some personal flavor on it.

Just sing it like a normal person.

¶ oh, oh, say-- ¶

Okay, got it-- still sucks.

I thought it was great.

Have you been standing there the whole time?

That's weird.

I had no idea you were there.

Anyway, steve, it's fine,

But not nearly good enough for the ears of veterans.

Tell you what, I'll take the next couple days

Off work, and we'll get that song just right.

Thanks, dad.

I don't want to mess this up.

No, you really don't.

Now, go upstairs and line your throat with vaseline.

Makes your voice come out smoother.

It's an old elton john trick.

Annoying! Both of you.

I love your new pet.

It's not a pet, silly.

It's my meal for the big night.

roger!

You can't kill this sweet bird.

It's an ortolan, francine--

The ultimate french delicacy.

It so sinfully decadent that you eat it

Under a napkin to hide your sin from god.

And I only trust you to cook it.

I'm honored.

Here's the recipe.

You actually drown it in amaretto,

Then save its life using bird cpr,

Then refill the pot with crème de menthe

And drown it again.

There is something so sweet about your hair today.

I love it.

Thank you.

¶ by the dawn's early light... ¶

Stop. Take a break.

I got to shake my head in disappointment

For five minutes.

So, stan, I tried to order barbra does celine

On pay-per-view, but it was locked.

I need the code.

How much is it? It's priceless,

But to order it, it's four ninety-nine.

I guess we can add five more bucks to your tab.

: Five dollars?

For barbra does celine?

No!

Oh, no, ridiculous.

No, four hundred and ninety-nine dollars.

Streisand comes expensive or she doesn't come at all.

Forget it!

I wouldn't pay that much to see barbra do celine.

Or would I?

Maybe if I was in the room with them,

Peeking from behind the curtain,

And they didn't know I was there.

How would it appear on my credit card bill?

No, no, stan, focus.

Here's the deal.

You and I both know I'm going to get

That pay-per-view code one way or another,

So you might as well just give it to me now

And avoid happy hour at shenanigans.

No. Fine.

Let it begin.

Crab walk!

Should've played ball.

Steve: ¶ the rockets' red glare ¶

No!

I've been in the shower all night.

Yeah, I don't get it-- I thought people

Were supposed to sing better in the shower.

I don't know.

Maybe the problem isn't you.

Maybe... Maybe I'm not a great vocal coach.

God, could that be?

No, dad, it's me.

I just need to sing harder.

No, it's more than that.

There something missing,

Something empty and soulless about your performance.

Hmm.

that's it.

See, steve, the national anthem is about war,

And you'll never be able to sing it

Until you've been to war.

Can you expand on that idea?

Certainly.

Take the song, "love in a elevator."

The reason it's so good

Is because steven tyler actually lived

In an elevator the summer he wrote it.

But the song's called "love in an elevator",

Not "live in an elevator".

Steve, he's a rock star living in kick-ass elevator.

You don't think he's getting laid?

Oh, and it's summertime.

Some of my nra buddies

Rent this golf course once a month.

Since you can't go to a real war,

A reenactment is the next best thing.

I've always wanted to go to a civil war reenactment.

It's not a civil war reenactment.

Those things are for historians

And people who hate blacks.

These guys are hardcore reenactors.

Get down!

where are we?

You in vietnam, bitches!

We're reenacting the vietnam war?

This chopper will take you to base camp.

(man imitating whirring helicopter blades)

Get in!

Platoon, gather round!

The vietcong may be making their move tonight.

We need a watchman.

Dad. Steve will do it.

We're counting on you tonight, steve!

Here, I'll even loan you my lucky machete.

A permanent marker?

Use it like a knife.

Leave the blade in the sheath so it doesn't get dull.

Leave the cap on so it doesn't dry out. :

Dad, I don't know if I can stand watch all night.

You've kept me up for the past two days practicing singing.

Steve, this is an opportunity to step up and be a hero.

Then, you'll know what it takes

To really sing our national anthem.

Radio me if you have any problems.

I'll do my best, dad.

I want more than your best, steve.

For once, I want you to do fine.

: ¶ by the dawn's early light... ¶

: ¶ what so proudly... ¶

(sporadic gunfire, men screaming)

Steve, what happened?!

Man, what a letdown.

You'll be killed if you go into that jungle, man!

Hey, my hand on fire?

What? N-no.

Good, then it's the acid.

This seemed like the perfect time to do acid.

Dead.

Everyone's dead!

Their spirits are dancing all around us

Poppin' and lockin', mostly!

Everyone calm down!

I have been in two war reenactments,