Archer

Ibiza is in shambles.

Ever since this new highly addictive, uncut cocaine

hit the streets, bars and clubs have become ghost towns.

People only leave their rooms to get more drugs.

ODs are through the roof.

Ms. Kane, will you help us?

Nina, rest assured, we will take care of it.

We will not stop until Ibiza is 100% cocaine-free.

Wow, ha, 100%.

That number feels high?

High like too much or high like everyone in Ibiza?

Obviously, eliminating all drugs would be fantastic,

but these new drugs are first priority.

After that, you could probably just... um, stop.

Wait, are you saying you want some cocaine on the streets?

Not want per se, no.

Drugs are, and I think we all agree here,

uh... bad?

- - I mean, the thought

of people doing that stuff...

Dancing all night, buying drinks...

Total nightmare.

Got it, eliminate the drugs that are hurting your business.

Ignore the drugs that are helping it.

We've tracked production of the super strain

to this remote town.

Destroy that facility,

and we'll save so many innocent... euros.

Hasta luego!

Now, obviously, we've got an important job here...

Yeah, figuring out why you're not calling it "Ibitha."

Because, dumbass, it's spelled with a Z.

Ha! Tell it to Peter of Castile,

lisping king of Spain,

originator of the fricative shift.

- That's a myth. - I think you mean "myz."

Look, you can sort out Catalonian history

tomorrow before your mission.

- Ooh, not gonna work for me. - What?

Yeah, I've got a deep-tissue massage,

a cold plunge, and then a mineral bath...

because I'll be on vacation.

And when were you going to notify HR about that?

Oh, I already did... In that sentence I just said.

Do you guys not practice self-care?

That would be Cyril's specialty.

No self-care?

No wonder you're all aging so rapidly.

I just thought you didn't wear sunscreen

or mixed up your loofah with a belt sander.

Well... ciao!

She can do that?

You mean piss me off to the point

where my eyeballs burst into flame?

Jeez, no, I meant the vacation thing.

Ah, the field.

Real change of pace for you, Lana.

Last time you were out here was way back

in the distant past of,

- what, a week ago? - Ow!

Am I supposed to respond

or just let you continue self-douching?

I'm honestly fine either way.

Well, yes, I've had to repeatedly

leave the comfort of my office

to bail you knucklefucks out with my superior skills.

Whoa, whoa, let's skip the part

where you do a fancy maneuver with your gun

and then accidentally obliterate that innocent bird.

So should I skip the part

where I save your life too?

- -

Sometimes I think

it is we who are the animals.

Look, at least I'm actually here, all right,

and not taking a spa day like Zara.

Well, I, for one, applaud Zara.

Wait, don't you hate self-care?

Not as much as I love redefining my flaws as virtues.

Hold on, self-care break.

I am all for living a healthy, balanced life...

Oh, my God, don't talk like that while I'm drinking.

So... never?

Hey, you do you.

I'm just saying that I'm paid to travel the world,

be a professional badass and look great doing it.

And that is my self-care.

Yeah, you seem relaxed.

Look, I'm in favor of self-care,

just not calling it self-care.

- -

It's just new words for the selfish shit

we all need to get through the goddamn day.

- Why dress it up? - Ah, so, what,

your version of self-care is narcissism?

Whoa, let's not throw around terms like that

without a licensed therapist...

who, yes, in fairness,

did diagnose me with that...

Before trying to sleep with me

while simultaneously replacing Mother psychologically, so...

- grain of salt. - Hey, I'm with Lana.

- Work is my vacation. - That's not...

You know what gets me out of bed in the morning?

The thought of my job.

- Now, hang on... - Hell,

I hope I die peacefully sitting at my desk.

We want that for you too, Cyril.

Jesus, Cyril! Not helping!

Sounds like somebody could use a Thick Red.

No one could use a Thick Red,

least of all the person copiloting the helicopter.

- -

And especially not when the solano

is particularly bad today.

The solano? It's a warm, easterly wind?

An extension of the sirocco, come on.

Let's just focus on the mission.

Maybe you just need to embrace the now, Lana.

I am trying to embrace the now,

which is the mission we are currently on.

- Detonator. - Hmm, maybe I dropped it

when you massacred that endangered kingfisher.

Dios mío! Intrusos! Kill them!

- - Oh, shit!

Cyril, we need an extract... now!

Hey! And land smoothly!

I could use a Thick Red, and I don't want it

spraying all over me!

- - Hey, Cyril, the spinning part

is supposed to point up!

You think I don't know that?

I'm dealing with a solano, a leveche,

a poniente, and what feels like a terral!

Naming the winds won't make us not die!

Look, it's not so bad, all right?

We can circle back, get this patched...

Oh, boy.

Bet you wish you were back at the office, huh?

So we've got a few potential topics

for workplace research.

One, do the drones work harder if they're given

gourmet cuisine that they're later told

is lab-grown human flesh?

But why-uh?

Why lab-grown? Pfft, that part's a lie.

- Option two... -

Was that a groan of excitement?

No, it's a groan of regular groan-uh!

Why? With Lana gone and us in charge,

we can do whatever we want!

But what's the point?

Well, I guess I'd say that these projects

let me see myself as more than a cog

in a soulless machine

and stir the cold ashes of my soul,

if only for a moment.

Duh, you don't have to explain self-care to me.

But then just... Lana comes back, undoes everything,

and never leaves us in charge again?

So we have nothing to look forward to?

Huh, is there a reason you have this newfound...

sense of perspective?

Well, I'm off, like, 60% of my meds

ever since the stupid horse doctor had to leave town.

I told him the horse cops were a bad sign, but did he listen?

Yeah, I think those were just cops riding regular horses.

Hey, guys, I just want you to all work normally

and have a normal day,

because apparently, that's all we're here for.

Ugh, leave me. I must brood.

I think you just discovered your secret weapon.

I don't like it.

They've got to be up to something.

- But what? - I say we strike now,

before they get their plans in order.

So we can mess with them and not get blamed?

Perfect.

And do we need to add

the human flesh thing to this, or...

God, just freeze it.

What is the point of going back in

if we don't have the detonator?

You should really bring backups

for these kind of important things.

I shouldn't even have to be here!

It isn't like we asked you to come.

So I should've just left this in the hands

of a helicopter pilot who can't fly,

a beer-drinking copilot,

and the guy who can't keep track

of the one thing we need to accomplish the mission?

In that case, we should probably

just let you handle it.

You know, it's been a while since I went on holiday.

Thick Red?

But would I have lost the detonator

if you hadn't been talking my ear off about self-care?

Yes! Or if not, you would've been too hungover

to get out of bed or flirting with the mayor's daughter.