Keeping Mum

Thank you. - You're welcome.

Oh, my!

Mrs. Jones, Rosemary Jones?

Rosie, please, I prefer Rosie.

Is everything alright? - Yes, fine...

I was just checking the...

trunk, the big leather trunk. Is that yours?

Yes, that's mine.

Good, thank you. Good.

Mrs. Jones?

Good morning, officers.

Two dismembered bodies, Rosemary.

Why don't you just tell me who they are?

My husband and his mistress. They were planning to run away together.

So you thought you'd just kill them instead.

Well, I couldn't very well stand idly by, could I?

Rosemary Jones, you've been found guilty for the crime of manslaughter.

Manslaughter! And at the time you committed these acts,

you were suffering from such an abnormality of mind,

that it seriously impaired your responsibility.

I therefore make an order for your detention...

in a secure unit for the criminally insane.

Not to be free,

until such time as the home secretary decides that your continued detention...

is no longer necessary for the protection of the public.

I don't suppose there's any chance for a cup of tea, is there?

Thank you very much for coming. Very nice to see you again.

Goodbye Mrs. Martin. - Marvelous sermon, Vicar.

Very kind, thank you.

Thank you, Reverend Goodfellow. - You're very welcome, Mrs. Parker.

I just wanted to have a word with you about the flower arranging committee.

Oh, ah, yes of course. Perhaps... - This afternoon.

Mrs. Goodfellow is not with you again?

Oh no, no. Sorry about that. She's been very busy. Mrs. Parker.

Next week perhaps? - Perhaps, yes.

Although, she is incredibly busy at the moment.

Oh!

For fuck's sake. Jesus Christ!

What's a girl got to do to get a decent nights sleep around here?

Holly!

Don't forget about Tuesday. - Oh sorry, it's Tuesday.

Oh, Petey.

Fuck off. Holly, it's time to wake up.

Holly...

Holly, I know you're in there, would you please come out, right away!

Mother! I don't think you want me to do that.

I think you'll find I bloody well do.

Is that you, Carl? No, this is Mark.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Goodfellow.

Holly, this is totally unacceptable. - I'm 17, it's been legal for a year.

Legal does not make it decent.

Is everything alright, Mrs. Goodfellow?

Yes, everything is fine, Mrs. Parker.

Is that Holly I heard? - Holly? No.

Oh. Morning, Mrs. Parker.

Morning.

You know the thing that pains me the most? - No. But you'll tell me anyway.

You're an intelligent girl. - An intelligent girl who's got a libido.

An intelligent girl knows what to do with it. - I know it.

Oh, Holly.

We used to be such friends. Hello.

Now you cross with me all the time. - Because you are a total and utter bitch.

Ah, look at you two. Morning, sweetheart. - Morning.

It's sort of as we feared, the pond.

I've been chatting with the chaps at the Water Board. Looks like it's algae.

It could be one of two or three different types apparently.

Some of them poisonous. They're worried about the water-table.

Anyway, they say it will get worse if it's not dealt with.

A lot of things will get worse if they're not dealt with.

They'll come back to me with the details. - The devil's in the details, Dad.

Could we not say that word on a Sunday.

Dad!

Alright. - Where are you going now?

I've got work to do. - You've just been to work.

I've got to write a speech for that convention,

God's mysterious ways,

and that's all I've got to show for it, a title.

See, you're an utter bitch to him. - No, I'm not.

And I know why, you're not getting any. - What?

The same reason you're angry with me and Mark.

Oh, in the van, in front of the house, on a Sunday.

That might have more to do with it. - I don't think so.

Oh, you must be right then. - Well, I usually am.

Can I get you any?

Petey, how long have you been there? - Holly says you're not getting any.

Can I get you some? - Oh Petey, that's very thoughtful,

but no, you can't.

Let's face it. I'm no good at this. - No, you just need a little tweaking,

a little Lance adjustment, but that's another story.

Alright now, Gloria.

I told you that the key is in the swing. - Well, I never had a good swing.

I disagree. I bet you could swing really well.

Now, you grip that shaft, gently but firmly.

Now, spread your legs. A little more. - Oh.

Now you bend to the ball slowly.

Yeah. Now, bend your knees.

Yeah.

Feel good? - Yes, feels fine.

Okay.

Now you just keep your eye on the ball. - Okay.

You let me worry about the hole. - Right.

That's quite good. - Well, your ball is in the rough,

but it's a good feeling, huh? - Yeah.

One more?

Okay.

Mrs. Parker asked after you again this morning. - Surprise, surprise.

I think I'm beginning to run out excuses. - Well, then don't make any.

You know what you can do, you can go down and kill that bloody dog,

and I'll put in a month of Sundays.

Was that a brassier over Holly's shoulder this morning?

You're a half day behind the rest of us, you know that?

We call it a bra nowadays.

Why did she have it over her shoulder?

She was doing the laundry.

Mr. Brown?

Mr. Brown, it's Mrs. Goodfellow, about Clarence, it's about your dog.

You woke me. - Yes, well, your dog woke me.

What did you say? - I said your dog woke me.

Well, he's found his voice. - Yes, he has, hasn't he?

I was wondering whether we could perhaps keep him inside just the night-time.

Got your sandwiches and sports bag? Yes. Yes!

Daddy is picking you up this afternoon. - But Daddy forgets.

No! And tomorrow it's a new housekeeper, and she's paid not to forget.

I thought you were going to be brave and take the bus this year. - Next year.

No, you said that last year. Come on, you're going to have a good time.

See you around, Goodfellow.

My shoelace is undone.

Tell me about when you were a girl. - Oh Petey, you know already.

Alright then.

When I was a girl, I lived in a big scary house.

With the black women. - No, they wore black, they were nuns.

Mostly Irish, and mostly evil.

And you were there because you were awful. - No, I was an orphan. Orphan, darling.

Come on, off you go have a good day. - Remember to make Daddy remember.

Promise.

Oh, she's here already? The housekeeper.

No, no, just her trunk. It arrived while you were out.

It's a lovely old thing. Isn't it? Well, well, well.

Look at that. Grace.

Is it a sign, do you think? - No, I think it's a trunk.

In the books I read when I was a boy there was always a trunk just like this,

full of treasure. - You will remember to pick up Pete?

I can't this afternoon. - Alright. I'll write it down.

I've got to take Mrs. Applebee to the garden centre.

Now, where's the pen? The Pen?

Oh, look at this.

You've made it really nice up here. Grace should be very happy.

You know, Lilian and Brian have made love in every single room in their house.

Their house is smaller. - Yes, but they went around twice.

I'm late for work already. - So, what's half an hour?

You take this off, and you're just a man, Walter Goodfellow.

Don't forget Petey, now.

Oh, Lord, yes. I think I wrote it down.

Yep.

Hello!

Petey!

Petey?

Walter?

Hi, Darling. We're just talking about the Algae and... - Where's Petey?

Oh Lord. I'm sorry. Mrs. Hallyway rang me about her crisis of faith.

She was on the verge of losing it. - I know the bloody feeling.

Let's get him. - No, this is really unnecessary.

Should I push him? Do you want to be pushed? - No, please.

I'm going to count to three. Three. - No!

See you in the morning.

Oh, deary, deary me. Look at you.

Give me a hand. Let me help you up. You look so uncomfortable.

No one has a clue where he is. - I don't understand.

There he is!

Who the bloody hell is that?

Hey, what are you doing with my son?

Come here, come on. Quick. - Oh.

You must be Gloria. - Get in the car.

Look, I think, there might be a misunderstanding.

You bet your life there's a misunderstanding.

Grace Hawkins.

You're Grace Hawkins. - Yes.

Mrs. Hawkins, welcome to Little Wallop. - Thank you, Vicar.

I'm sorry about earlier, Mrs. Hawkins. - Oh, no. Not at all.

Under the circumstances you did just the right thing.

I could have been anybody, and please call me Grace. - Reverend!

Ah, Mrs. Parker, may I introduce you to our new housekeeper, Grace Hawkins.

Mrs. Parker is chairman... chair of the St. Michael's Flower Arranging Committee.

Which I wanted to talk to you about. - We will talk about it, we really will,

but Grace has literally just arrived, and I was wondering... - The tricks...

We'd better go in. They'll be forever. ...are quite unbelievable.

In my whole experience in 43 years on this committee.

I'm well aware of this problem.

Oh, this is just...

He's a persistent little fellow, isn't he? - It's not what I call him.

I've given it a good airing, but it's still a little bit musty.

Oh no, it's perfect.

It's just as I imagined it. A perfect home for a perfect family.

Well, let's hope they make us an offer. - A sense of humor.

I like that. - Good, because you're going to need one.

There you go again.

How are we going to get that upstairs? - Oh, we'll find a way.

What do you think is in it? - I don't know and I didn't ask.

Holly! - I just want to know what's in it.

Memories, dear.