Modern Family

So, all this childhood memorabilia came to me

after your mother died...

Diaries, photo albums, adorable drawings.

So, enjoy your stroll down memory lane,

but know that at the end of that lane

is a dumpster. Okay.

You have a painting upstairs

by William "The Refrigerator" Perry,

but there's no room for my baby teeth?

I needed to free up some space in the garage.

Because it's not a garage anymore.

It's a warehouse full of dog beds

that nobody wants to buy.

It's been a slow period,

but it should pick up next quarter.

What?

When all the dogs get back their income tax refunds

and they want to go splurge on beds for themselves?

Joe. What?

Help me drag some of these things out to my car.

We're gonna do some old-fashioned marketing today.

Oh, my God. The old Atari.

Uh-huh. Remember why we got that?

Yeah. So, we were on our first family vacation ever, okay...

A week at this waterpark resort... Mm-hmm.

And Dad got bored after, what,

three days? Three.

Made us leave early,

and he bought us off with this.

Lies and untruths!

We stayed the full week,

and I got you two ingrates that game anyway.

How long are you gonna stick to that story?

Much as you two enjoy portraying me

as some kind of abusive parent...

Whoa! Aah! Oh!

Relax, Joe. We'll get you out in a second.

Okay, 35 years, and you... Ugh, you still can't admit it.

There's nothing to admit. I see light!

Should I go towards it?

Why would we both remember it one way

if it didn't happen, Dad?

Kids like to make things up.

Mm. They like the drama.

Come here, Kid.

I was literally about to gnaw my own arm off

to get free.

With those things?

I still have the tooth you lost in a marshmallow.

Okay, so, that one you kept?

I was in Florida visiting my Dad.

I'd gotten a call that he was wandering

around the grocery store he used to run.

I wanted to find out if he was okay,

but... That's not something you can just ask.

You know, your mother and I came here every Sunday

for 44 years.

You miss her, don't you?

It comes and goes.

Fourth of July is rough. Really?

I didn't realize she was so patriotic.

Well, it's that hot dog eating contest they have on TV.

You know, I always thought that your mother

could have been a competitive eater.

No food ever expired in our house.

She'd see that last day pop up

on a pound of bacon or a gallon of milk,

and down it went.

It was personal for her.

Speaking of food, y-you ever head over to your old grocery store?

Hey, listen. Do you remember that?

Oh, yeah. Penguinsquatch.

Put this town on the map.

June 1977.

Teen revelers report massive bird footprints

emerging from Lake Okeechobee.

A crowd gathers,

but the new tide has covered the so-called bird prints,

and the teens are beaten soundly.

Tracks reappear several days later,

and once again, word spreads through town.

An ornithologist deems the prints

those of a gigantic penguin, some 15 feet in height.

People come from miles around

to catch a glimpse of the wondrous waddler.

The tracks will appear on and off for years

and then disappear forever,

but not before Olympic gold medalist Mary Lou Retton

makes the trek to place her tiny footprints

inside those of the be-flippered colossus.

Didn't we take a picnic over there a few nights?

Everyone did.

It's the first time I ever saw your mother eat a bag of apples.

So, Dad, I, uh, I w... I wanted to ask you...

Oh, boy. No serious talk, okay?

Yes, I'm taking all my million pills.

You can come over and press my stomach.

I'm starting to feel like a bean bag chair.

Guys, I just saw a ghost.

Okay, Girls, grab your things. We're gone.

N-Not a real ghost.

More like a vision from my past.

Brenda Feldman.

An older girl that Manny had a crush on.

He even wrote a poem for her when he was little.

I gave her my heart,

she gave me a picture of me as an old-time sheriff.

Today was my second chance,

but I couldn't even get up the nerve to say "Hi."

11-year-old Manny would be disgusted by me.

Well, now you know how 12-year-old Lily feels.

Oh. Sorry, this is work.

Hello?

Manny, you know who this family's

resident expert is in interpersonal problems?

I would say no one's especially...

That's right. It's me.

It took a little while, but I finally convinced Manny

the reason he had failed last time with Brenda Feldman

was because of his grand gesture.

Today called for a completely different approach...

A super grand gesture.

Just go to her, okay?

Get in there! Let's go! Come on!

Hyah!

Well, looks like my first house sale

is going to fall through.

Oh, Sweetie, I'm sorry. You know what?

But things will turn around.

Do not turn around.

Okay, that's Debra Knox.

She stole my Educator of the Year Award.

A swooper? A swooper!

Lily, grab your things. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Not a smoke demon that terrorizes farm children.

Oh. It's a person that takes things

that are supposed to be yours.

I have one of my own.

I was closing a deal on my very first showing,

and a rival agent swooped in.

What a lovely home.

I mean, maybe not great for kids, you know?

Wait, what? But we're pregnant.

Oh. Oh, my goodness. I'm sorry. I didn't even see you there.

I was... Oh, my.

Is that a California Vulture Wasp?

A mountain lion must've made a fresh kill.

So, the couple agreed to go to her open house later.

I am so glad that Manny stopped doing those embarrassing things.

Oh, come on. Who doesn't love a grand gesture?

Oh. In front of my friends, Ronald?

I can't believe I ever let you do my homework!

My g... Oh, gosh. Oh, no, no, Manny!

Manny, abort, abort, abort.

Abort!

Back up! Back up! Back, back, back, back!

Get going! Get going! I'm going!

Abort!

Last week, I left some dog beds here,

so now the owners are probably getting swamped with requests.

The other day, I found out

that Joe saved up six months of allowance

and donated it all to charity.

It's one of those rare moments as a dad

when you realize you've really dropped the ball.

I mean, the kid needed to learn the basics of business.

Ooh, can I get that dog?

I'll do 50 hours of chores.

No, a hundred. Whoa.

Sales lesson number one...

Never look desperate in a negotiation.

No emotion. Think of your cousin Lily.

Hey, I noticed the dog beds moved.

They must be pretty popular, huh?

Um, the dogs didn't like them.

What? These are dogs nobody wants.

I mean, what do they have going on?

Don't worry. The cats love them.

Cats? Never. I'm taking them home.

I mean, cat in a pineapple? How does that even make sense?

Maybe... They're from Meow-i?

Get it? 'Cause Hawaii?

Get in the car. Okay.

This Atari has quite a dent in it.

Didn't... Didn't you throw it at me? No.

Then... Then explain this groove in my head, 'cause...

Yeah, I can... I can fit them together like a puzzle.

Mitchell, you fell down the stairs sleepwalking.

It's established family history. Oh.

Unwilling to admit a mistake.

Wonder where you picked that up from.

Look, it drives me nuts, too,

that Dad never cops to his mistakes,

but it's always gonna be our word against his.

Yeah. Why did you cut

the necks out of all these sweatshirts?

Oh, I was a big "Flashdance" fan.

How you survived the golden age of bullying,

I will never understand.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.