Urzila Carlson: Overqualified Loser

Make some noise, welcome to the stage...

-Urzila Carlson! -

You guys!

-See? This is why... -

This is why people love Australia.

'Cause you guys are just off the fucking nut.

Just quickly, before we start... I just--

I feel like I want to share something with you.

'Cause sometimes, right, audiences will send me gifts.

Like, not this audience.

Honestly, sometimes audiences bring me gifts,

and then they give it to the usher

and the usher will bring it backstage

and then I have to open it.

Because I don't have a crew of people that travel with me

'cause I'm not Adele.

You know, I don't know how people imagine, like...

I walked here tonight.

The five blocks.

You know when you make that decision, you go,

"It's only five blocks, I'm gonna walk it"?

And then after the third block, you go,

-"Fuck, I should've taken an Uber." -

Then you go, "It's too late now, I can't get an Uber now

for two blocks, 'cause they'll think I'm lazy."

- -

You don't want them to give you a two-star 'cause you're lazy

'cause then you have to fake a limp and stuff.

"Yeah, I just sprained my ankle."

So I get this gift, right? I do a show in Auckland,

and a woman sends a gift with an usher, and the usher brings it to the room.

And now I'm gonna open it, but it looked dodgy as hell.

It was just wrapped in brown paper.

And-- And it had a string around it,

and not that fancy string that you get now over Christmas.

You know, you always get-- Like your sister-in-law,

she'll be doing all this fancy fucking wrapping and shit.

And you go, "Okay, calm down.

We know it's bath salts."

It's like, "Christ, you just spent $45

on the wrapping of a $2 fucking gift.

And we don't have a bath!"

Not one of those strings, it was just an old shoelace.

So you know it's dodgy

when the usher sort of kicks the door open,

throws the gift and goes, "That came for you," and runs away.

So I look at this gift and I shook it

and no powder fell out of it and it wasn't ticking.

- -I'm gonna open it.

So I open the gift.

And someone had sent me a moon cup.

Like, a new one, but a moon cup.

Now, for those of you who don't know what a moon cup is,

ladies, if I can ask you

to just turn to the men in your area...

- -...and just explain to them

what a moon cup is so I don't have to.

Talk amongst yourselves.

If you don't know, ask the people behind you. They know.

Oh, I don't know what's going on there.

-There's a lady in the back doing that... -

I don't know what you're explaining...

-....but I think you're doing it wrong. -

For those of you who don't know

what a moon cup is, it's basically a Tupperware bowl for your coochacha.

Like, you whip it out when Aunt Flo comes to visit.

You feel?

But I knew. As soon as I received this gift,

I knew I was in deep trouble

'cause I've got an inquiring mind...

- -...and I knew I was going to try it.

Now, I'm not going to go into detail,

but let me just tell you, it's not for me.

Let's just say...

Okay, you know when you're unpacking the dishwasher, right?

Ladies, if you want to turn to the men in your area

-and just explain what I mean. -

No, you know when you're unpacking the dishwasher

and you get to the kids' plastic bowls and cups

and you don't take the time to individually dry each and every cup?

You just kind of grab them, whack them and stack them away

and then tomorrow morning,

you have to feed those same children out of those bowls

and you take it out and you're like...

Yeah, that.

So, no, it's not for me.

I travel a lot.

I'm on the road about 300 days of the year,

and whenever I do go back home to Auckland,

I always go see my GP

and get them to do the once-over.

Right, give it everything.

Like, from head to toe, from head lice to ingrown toenails

-and everything in between. -

They check the boobs, the smear.

They even give you the flu jab, you know, 'cause science.

-Um... -

I'm not going to tell you what to do with your life,

you know, I'm just saying.

We vaccinate 'cause we understand words and shit.

- -

Now, I understand that there might be some anti-vaxxers here tonight.

'Cause when I did the show in Auckland, 13 people got up and walked out...

- -...and the whole auditorium went...

Like I was supposed to fight them or something. I'm like,

"Leave them alone, they've got sick kids at home."

So, anyway, I go in, I see my doctor. She does what she can do

and then she sends me off to the nurse.

Now, our nurse, Nurse Barb, retired two years ago.

Which is a good thing

because she was, like, two years younger than Jesus, okay?

- -I'm not ageist.

But the last two years, I also got a prostate check.

I didn't hate it.

That's why I went back the second year.

Anyway, I walk in, we've got a brand new nurse,

Nurse Maniah,

and, uh, I look at her and I go, "Hi,"

and she's lovely, she's a lady in her fifties.

Um... And I look around and I'm trying to find the gown.

Because you have to put this gown on

with an opening in the front

because they're going to be working on your entertainment area...

- -...right?

Now, personally...

I'm not a big fan of the gowns

because they never close properly.

You know, 'cause I've had a few big Christmases in my time.

Like, I don't identify as fat.

But I've definitely, you know...

I'm-- I'm quite a few meals ahead and a few shits behind, so...

And, you know, you don't need to be a personal trainer...

to know that if those two things don't line up,

-you can never be your goal weight. -

But I don't see the gown,

and Nurse Maniah goes, "No, no, I use a lavalava."

And I thought, "This is great, it's basically like a sarong.

Not only do I get a smear

but I also get a cultural experience.

I love it."

So I take the lavalava off her,

and now I wait for her to leave and close the curtain

so I can, you know, take my kit off and put it on.

So she closes the curtain.

But she stays in there with me.

So at this point...

I decide to decline the lavalava.

She then takes it and biffs it on the desk,

and I take my kit off and I hop on the table.

Now, the protocol when going for a smear

is you, the patient,

must stare at the wall.

And her, the nurse,

must stare at a speck on the curtain over here.

But never...

do you make eye contact.

So, she starts,

and I can feel her rummaging around.

Which is not what you want to feel at a doctor's surgery,

you want a... you want a confident hand.

- -You want--

You want someone that knows what's going on.

And I could feel her rummaging around,

and I don't know at what point...

do I act?

At what point should I go,

"Do you need help?"

Too awkward, right?

Or do I just keep quiet and guide her hand in?

Yeah, you're right, that would be too much.

- -

I didn't have to do either of those things

because she asked me something that was so left field

that it knocked me, I had to think about it for a second.