$#*! My Dad Says

Mom? Hey, I need your help.

I'm at dad's.

Because I need to borrow money.

I got laid off. I'm broke.

You were married to the guy.

What's the best way to get money from him?

Yeah. I can't divorce him.

I'm overthinking this. I haven't seen him in two years.

Maybe he's a different guy. Maybe he's mellowed.

You know what? I bet he's changed.

Guts or nuts. Your choice.

He hasn't changed.

Why didn't you call first?

Almost decorated my buick with your balls!

Come on, dad.

You wouldn't do that to your buick.

I thought you were one of those jackasses

who show up on my front door lookin' for a handout.

Right. The elections are coming up.

I'm talking about the girl scouts.

They're nothing but beggars with merit badges.

There's nothing worse than someone coming to your home,

trying to get money out of you.

What brings you to town, Henry?

Um...

You know, I just... I thought you and I

could talk face-to-face.

Here's my face. Talk.

Okay.

This isn't easy for me to say.

Dad, there comes a time in a young man's life...

son, are you coming out to me?

Because you wouldn't last a minute in that world.

Your skin's too pasty. You can't dance.

I'm not gay, dad.

But thanks for letting me know I'd suck at it.

Then what do you want?

I just...W...

Mom says hi. She's in Italy.

What's that got to do with anything?

She was on the phone with me.

Uh, she's doing the eat pray love tour.

Although I told her if she wants to get to the love part,

she'd better do a lot more praying

and a lot less eating.

What's that, a joke?

You think it's funny to insult the woman

who pushed a giant moron through a tiny opening?

I did...

And then your visual kind of killed it for me.

Are we done here? 'Cause I'm going back to bed.

It's the middle of the night! It's 9:00.

There's still kids playing outside.

Then play with them. I'm going to bed!

Okay. Well, if it's all right with you,

I'll just crash on the couch?

There's a cot in the attic.

- The couch is fine. - I know the couch is fine.

That's why I don't want you to sleep in it.

What are we doing here, playing let's make a deal?

There's no choice!

The cot is in the attic.

Take it or leave. I'm going to bed.

Wait. I just want to talk to you for a minute.

You got ten seconds.

Okay. Here it goes.

Dad, there comes a time in a young man's life...

Good night.

Blitzer, you smug son of a bitch.

That's not news.

An old guy died. So what?

Now, if he does something tomorrow, that's news.

Morning, dad.

Why are you walking around

like you're in your third trimester?

I'm about to push a giant complaint

through a tiny opening.

That cot is really uncomfortable.

You're too good for that cot now?

A Navy buddy of mine died on that cot.

That would explain the big dark stain at the neck.

It's not at the neck. I turned the bed around.

Quite a guest room you got there, dad.

Did you hear that noise coming from the garden

at 5:00 in the morning?

Sounded like two animals fighting.

It was.

Me and a raccoon.

I caught him trying to eat one of my cucumbers.

I grabbed him by the tail

and I windmilled him into the shed.

Let him think about what he's done.

Anything else you wanna complain about?

I'm not complaining. That's not what I'm doing.

Garden looks great. Cucumbers are huge.

It's like the land of the lost out there.

You should see my zucchini.

I think I did last night

when you answered the door in your jammies.

Your brother and Bonnie are stopping by

to drop off some groceries and say hi.

Great. Um...

Do you know how long they're gonna be staying?

I was hoping you and I can get some one-on-one time.

Why? Wanna braid each other's hair

and talk about boys?

No, it's... Not that, dad.

I just... I...

It doesn't matter.

What's with the driver's manual?

Oh...My license expires

when I turn 72 next week,

and they're making me take the whole damn test again.

If I don't pass, I lose my license for five years.

Well, look, worse comes to worst,

we get you a bike.

It'll keep you in shape.

A bike? Take a look out that window.

Does that look like Bangkok? I'm not getting on any bike!

Knock, knock.

- Shut the door. - How 'bout hi?

Hi. Shut the door.

Look at this.

San Diego's king and queen of condos.

Aw, come on, it's not like

we have three townhouses in escrow.

Because we have four.

Including one that had a murder in it.

Whassup?

And don't get up for your daughter-in-law.

I'm just holding 20 pounds of your groceries.

- Did you get my fiber bars? - Yes.

- Did you get my fiber bread? - Of course.

Did you get my high fiber pasta?

Yes, you'll be very happy, ed.

It'll feel like you're pulling

a shipyard rope through your intestines.

Henry.

Come here. Come on.

Come hug your brother from another mother.

What's up, Vince?

So how are things at the magazine?

I got laid off and... Dad doesn't know.

Dad doesn't know what?

How...Hungry I am.

Dad doesn't care.

I see the manual's out. I'm glad you've been studying.

Yeah, I've been studying.

But, you know, it's hard to retain.

You get older, the stuff you wanna keep in you

flows outta you,

stuff you want to flow outta you stays in you.

Lovely sentiment. I'm sure you're gonna pass it.

Well, I have to pass, because if I don't,

I won't be able to drive,

and I'll be stranded out here all by myself.

Pop. You can always live with us...Right, Bonnie?

- I'm sorry, he-can-always-what-now?

Well, that's something to think about.

- Where ya going? - Where I do all my thinking.

Are you crazy?

You just asked him to move in with us?

Sweetheart, come on, relax. That's just something you say.

He's never gonna take us up on the offer.

Well, what if he does?

Can you imagine him living in our condo?

Think about it. Think about our sex life!

All the high-pitched squealing,

all the weeping.

You wouldn't be able to do that anymore!

So what happened with the job?

The magazine went under. I got laid off. I'm broke.

Went through all my savings,

and now I have to borrow money from dad,

and I don't know how the hell I'm gonna do it.

What's the big deal? Just ask him.

I keep trying,

but every time I'm about to ask him,

I...I just feel like I'm gonna disappoint him.

Henry, he's your father.

Of course you're gonna disappoint him.

Mother Teresa would disappoint him.

She did. Remember when he met her, vin?

He said it was like talking to a fig wrapped in a napkin.

I don't see what the big deal is.

So you disappoint him, so what?

I disappoint him every minute of every day.

It's different for you, Vince. You grew up with dad.

I don't have a relationship with the guy.

Is that what you want?

I didn't think so, but...

Then I see him and, yeah, I guess I do.

Just wish he gave a crap.

Henry, what exactly are you looking for?

Anything.

Just something that shows

that he wants a relationship with me.

Like what, you want him to play Peter Gabriel

on a boom box outside your window?

I don't...