The Dukes of Hazzard: Hazzard in Hollywood

[CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Welcome to the Hazzard Hoedown. Y'all got here just in time.

It's an annual fundraiser to build a Hazzard hospital.

Now, there's all the fun and games you'd expect...

...like the traditional old-fashioned rattlesnake-sacking contest.

Bo's entered in that one.

I got you.

Oh, you're a big fella, ain't you?

Whoo-whoo!

Come on.

Four, four.

It's time for the ax catching.

Luke's favored in the event this time.

But despite last year's little mishap, old Lefty is determined to win again.

Now, any sissy can throw an ax.

The trick is to catch it first, then throw it.

Yes.

There's Cooter, Daisy, and Cletus.

Cooter's in a barbecue-sauce contest.

He inherited Uncle Jesse's recipe, which always wins first prize.

I tried to make it like Uncle Jesse's, but something just-- Just ain't right.

All right, Cletus...

...take it to the judges.

-Hey. -How are you?

To-- Toby.

What a crowd.

Oh, good. Hello, Toby.

Toby Keith. Oh, he's marvy.

That wasn't a practice.

Listen, you know, Toby comes back every year, you know...

...to help us raise some money for the hospital-building fund.

You know, now he's a big country-music star...

...and he's come back again.

And because of him, we've raised a total of $35,000 and 63 cents for the hospital fund.

Now all we need is $3,500,000.

At that rate, your great-grandchildren will be doing the groundbreaking.

Who said that?

-And then all your-- It's me, Rosco.

Ezra Bushmaster.

-Ezra? -Yeah.

-What're you doing back in Hazzard? -Rosco, what's going on? Who is this guy?

Ohh....

Ezra here, he was a partner of Boss' for a while...

...till Boss found out he was even more crooked than he was.

So he run him out of town...

...and he went up north to fleece the Yankees.

Thank you, Rosco, for that flattering introduction.

Yes, friends, I wanna give something back to Hazzard.

I got a proposition for you.

You want a hospital in 20 years, or right now?

Come on, let's hear it, let's hear it. Yeah. Right. All right. Come on.

If the county were to raise about half a million, 500,000, in 10 days...

...I will donate the remaining 3 million.

We'll go, "Well, that's a deal, but what's the catch?"

I want the hospital named after me.

Where in the heck did you get 3 million dollars?

Rosco, uh, did you ever learn how to read?

You--

Course I did...

-...eventually I-- Mm.

-Well, then read this out loud. -What?

-I knew you'd be suspicious. -What is--? What is this?

It says here that it's a certified statement saying that Ezra Bushmaster is worth--

-A hundred million dollars. -Wow.

But how can we raise $500,000 so quickly?

People, people...

...you already have the money.

I'm B.B. Bascomb, music promoter extraordinaire.

-Ezra, is this your shill? -Thought he was yours.

-Excuse me. Who is this guy?

-Excuse me. -Yes, you. Get--

Now, isn't it true you own years of tape recordings...

...of country music from all the people that have played your hoedowns?

And some of these people have become big names.

Well, I represent some of the biggest Hollywood record companies.

They do rock, pop, hip-hop.

They're dying to get into country music. Huh?

You know what they would pay for your precious tapes?

Wait a minute. You mean--

Yes, I mean let me promote those tapes on a major Hollywood record label.

Ooh.

Put a little culture into their pathetic little world.

Put out a CD album, raise money for your hospital.

Well, that sounds pretty good, but is it doable?

All you need's enough money to remix and master tapes you already have.

Thirty-five grand should do it...

...and you've got yourself a hospital.

I'll tell you what. You sell the tapes...

...I'lIl bring everybody back for a big groundbreaking hoedown.

Am I the only one here who gets the feeling this isn't gonna work?

And so the Hazzard caravan was off to Hollywood.

Bo, Daisy and Luke in the General Lee.

Followed by Rosco in his RV, and bringing up the rear...

...Cooter rode with good old Cletus in his pickup with Daisy's motorcycle.

Rosco always takes Albert Einstein, his champion-stud basset hound...

...wherever he goes.

You might notice that Albert ain't moving.

The reason is, he's dead.

Albert passed two years ago, but Rosco was so brokenhearted...

...he had a dog doll made and named him Albert.

It's a comfort to him.

Now, y'all pay attention.

Rosco was carrying his $35,000 from the previous hoedowns...

...the music tapes to give to B.B. Bascomb, bottles of scuppernongs for Enos...

...plus a sack full of rattlesnakes too, as an antitheft device.

Don't ask.

Ow!

You lug nut, you're not supposed to touch it when it's hot like that.

Thanks. Yes, that's great news. Thank you so much.

Guess what.

Anita Blackwell's in Hollywood shooting a movie...

...and she's gonna try to come to the hoedown.

You're kidding, eh? She's really great.

She sure is.

I can't believe this barbecue sauce of yours came in second, it's delicious.

Ain't bad, is it? But Uncle Jesse had a secret ingredient...

...I ain't figured out what it is, he called it "P.S."

I've tried everything.

Peach skins, paddlefish scales, pond scum....

Well, it didn't work.

Ohh!

Boy, Albert, that was horrendous.

What the heck he done now?

You must've hit something, huh? -I didn't hit nothing, you lug nut.

Cooter here sold me a defective tire.

-Hey, somebody's shooting at us, y'all. -Yeah, look out.

That Bo is quick.

I think you missed them, Patch.

I wasn't trying to hit them, stupid. I was trying to stop them.

Move it, brains.

Mighty thin spares, Rosco.

I've eaten doughnuts with more tread than this.

Why the heck would anybody wanna be shooting at us?

-Maybe we're in Montana. -No, they're better shots.

Boss, they're dumber than a rock.

Shooting didn't stop them.

Don't worry though, I'm on it.

Three days later, hello, Hollywood.

Coffee, Daisy. Put on that coffee.

Great campsite, you know? Plenty of game.

Got good water, got firewood everywhere.

You know what I can't understand? What's that?

Why somebody else hadn't used this campsite.

You got a point there, Rosco. -Stay, Albert.

He's not going anywhere, Rosco.

Hollywood, are you ready for Hazzard?

Yeah, who spiked my coffee?

The mad Russian will tear them to pieces.

And this town will eat the crumbs one bite at a time.

Let's go.

The mad Russian, Igor...

...was run off by the Russian mafia for being too crooked.

Now he deals in bootleg CDs, cigarettes, and any crime that turns a capitalist dollar.

Patch...

...you have another truckload of contraband cigarettes for me?

Nope, something bigger.

Too bad, I have newest line of bootleg CDs.

Milli Vanilli, Frankie Avalon.

Hot stuff. Hot.

-I also have rural music. -It's country.

Whatever.

Has a Russian soul in it.

Igor, I wanna hire your meanest muscle to help me stop a bunch of hillbillies.

-What is "hillbillies"? -Crazy, unpredictable people...

...they come out of the hills and cause trouble.

Ah. Cossacks. No problem.

I have gulag escapees, Red Army deserters...

...ex-KGB's.

They love America.

How much?

For you...

...just 2000 a day.

Plus you have to take 100 Slim Whitman CDs.

You drive a hard bargain, Igor.

It's the ramps. Y'all, it's the ramps.

It's that wild garlic. Rabbit and ramps, it don't get better than this.

Hey, everybody, Enos is on his way over.

I told him we were parked somewhere near that big sign.

Just like you like it.

Remember back when old Enos joined the L.A.P.D?

Well, now he's a full-fledged detective.

Luke Duke. Cooter! Ha-ha-ha!

Hey, Cletus!

Hey, sheriff.

You know something? I must be getting soft...

...because I'm actually glad to see the dipstick.

Hey, wait, wait, y'all listen.

You can't build a fire, I'm sorry, it's a city park.

Yes, sir, and-- Oh, now, what y'all got cooking?

You know, whatever we catch.

We're running traplines, we're doing good.

-We could live here forever, maybe longer. -No, no, no, you can't trap.

You can't camp without a ton of permits.