Family Guy

Stewie, what are you doing?

Oh, just doing a little Tai Chi.

You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60?

This is why.

Of course, then they suddenly look 100,

but cross that bridge, you know?

Is this a Japanese thing?

No, Chinese.

The Japanese have a whole other thing going on.

Hey, you want to see a movie?

No, we're Japanese, let's watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus.

Yeah!

Suction cup feel good!

And of course the most important part of any workout

is a proper cool down and a stretch.

What? What is it?

I got a splinter!

Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it?

Oh, he's just got a splinter.

Oh, my poor baby.

It's 'cause these old stairs are just falling apart.

It's not just the stairs.

Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam.

Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.

Morning, Opie.

Hey, what's going on? You going somewhere?

You got fired? Why?

Oh, well, it's no wonder

they finally caught you doing that in here.

I mean, the underside of your desk

looks like Carlsbad Caverns.

Griffin, say hello to Opie's replacement, Stella.

Nice to meet you.

W-What is this?

We doing a new secret handshake now?

No, Griffin, she's deaf.

Oh. Can she read lips?

Yes, I can.

So if I do this, I can talk about what a sweet rack she has?

Yes, but try not to make a boob honking gesture

with your other hand while you're saying it.

Sorry. It's okay.

I'm used to people being

a little uncomfortable with me at first.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Yeah, actually, I do.

Are your other senses better on account of you can't hear?

Like, can you smell my farts before they even come out?

'Cause I got one in the pocket right now,

and I want to know if I need to feel self conscious about it.

I can't smell it, no.

I might be able to see it, though.

A lot of people make small movements when they fart.

They twitch their eye or something.

Oh, like subtle giveaways, huh?

All right, well, t-tell me if you can see when it happens.

You just farted.

Oh, my God, you saw that?

You can see all my tiny, subtle movements?

You just did it again.

Well, this is gonna be a delight!

I don't know why Lois always said

she had problems with female coworkers.

So Abby, Elaine and Janet have their little lunch clique,

and of course I'm not invited.

Seems like you're doing everything

and they're doing nothing.

Well, I don't know, but what I do know is

that in the staff meeting, Uh huh. Uh huh.

Christina said my inventory system wasn't feasible.

She's obviously threatened by you.

But when the associate sales manager came back in the room...

It's ridiculous, and I support you fully.

She told him the idea as if it was hers...

You can't let them get to you.

They're jealous of what you have.

It's nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.

Only you can prevent forest fires.

Hey, Peter, you ready to go to the Clam?

Whoa, who's the hot chick?

Oh, that's Stella.

You don't have to whisper; She's deaf.

Really?

Oh, my God, that's hot.

I didn't know you had a thing for deaf chicks.

Any kind of disabled chick, Peter.

They can do things to you

that regular chicks don't even think of.

Besides, you know me.

I'm into a lot of different stuff.

What, did you hear something?

No, it's all good.

All right.

You know, Chris, a little friendly advice.

Uh, you're gonna start dating soon;

Probably good to get in the habit

of chewing with your mouth closed.

Doesn't bother me, I'm just.. You know, one friend to another.

Oh, what, you got a problem with me?

You think I'm gross?

Don't do that. Don't do that.

Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am.

Peter, hurry up!

You're missing dinner.

Lois, what the hell?

Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay?

What the hell happened to the stairs?

They're all slippery now!

I had them replaced, remember?

The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter,

so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go.

When'd you do that?

The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore.

Oh, yeah.

Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady

worked there or not.

Um... Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Boy, I wonder where the shampoos are around here.

I said, "I wonder where the shampoos are around here."

Oh, for God's sake, I almost thought

you were a regular person.

Where's the shampoo?

What the hell?

Hey, Guys, all the action's over here!

Quagmire, what is all this?

Peter's new coworker gave me an idea.

Welcome to Disabled Ladies Night.

Mine are made from teak.

What are yours made from?

Yeah, mine are actually just pressboard with wood veneer.

I can't get wet.

Oh. I think I see my friends.

Hey, uh, you guys enjoy the carnival.

I'm gonna get a drink at the bar.

Hey, uh, anyone sitting here?

No, go ahead.

Thanks.

Hey, would you like to go out sometime?

Wow, that was fast.

Yeah, well, you know, I read somewhere that women decide

within the first seven seconds if they're interested in you

or not, so I figured I wouldn't waste anybody's time.

Fair enough.

Sure, let's go out.

Really? Yeah.

Like you said, I've already decided.

I'm Kate.

I'm Brian.

Hey, uh, you want to go outside?

Maybe a little quieter.

Sure.

Oh, my God, I...

Hey, check out Brian with the blind chick.

Hey, don't worry, Brian,

you're still doing better than Quagmire.

He got a hooker.

Ha!

No, no, but she is a prostitute.

Listen, you know, we can do something else if you want.

Why? I'm having a good time.

Well, I mean, I just don't know

how much fun it is for a blind person to go to the movies.

Brian, blind people go to the movies all the time.

We just listen.

I might be blind, but my brain has been trained to listen

to any movie and know exactly what's happening on screen.

Like, I loved Titanic.

I'm the King of the World!

So you sure you don't need me to come in?

Maybe show you to your bed.

Pretty sure I can find it, thanks.

Maybe next time I'll have trouble, though.

You might have to help me find it next time.

So there's a next time.

Definitely.

Great.

Well, all right, good night.

Ugh! Our stupid neighbor's dog barks 24/7.

God, I hate dogs.

Y-You do?

Yeah, they're just slobbery, annoying, needy little bastards.

I'm just not really a dog person, I guess.

Oh. Uh, yeah, me neither.

Dog people can get pretty annoying.

Wow, this is a nice apartment you have.

Is this your dog?

Yes. Isn't he the cutest little cutie wutie?

Look how cute he is.

Yes, he's very cute.

Yes, he's cute.

Yes, he's cute, cute, cute, cute.

Look at him. Look at him. Look at him.

Okay.

Look at it! Look at that face! Come on!

Look at that face! You look at him!

Look at that face!

Hey, Guys, this is driving me nuts.

Was one of the Dwarves named Snappy?

Kind of well dressed?