Hacks

- Okay, um, U.S. Senator. He killed someone.

- A senator? I don't know!

Pass.

Um, uh... uh, blind singer.

- John Lennon! - Time.

- Oh, my God, wha... Stevie Wonder.

- Mm, how does he play the piano if he's blind, Ava?

Oh. Okay.

- So you guys got zero points again.

- God. - Unbelievable.

Ready? - Mm-hmm.

Go.

Bought your old house.

- Suzanne Pleshette. - Yes.

Stole your hairdresser.

- Keith Urban. - Yes.

Didn't say hi at JFK.

- Marie Osmond. - Yep.

You don't know her. Pass.

Ooh! Cheap couch.

Oh, Barbara Bush!

This is so easy. - Yes.

You used to share a gardener.

Siegfried.

- Roy. - Yes.

Innocent.

- Ted Kennedy. - Yes.

There was no guardrail.

- Five seconds. - Um...

broken condom.

- Robert Mitchum. - Yes!

Time!

We did it! We did it!

- You guys obviously win again. - Yes!

It's, like, 75 to 0.

I think we should work.

You big baby.

My business manager embezzled from me

and bought himself a place in Tallahassee.

I sued him, and the court gave me

the house in Tallahassee.

I said, "Why are you punishing me?"

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Is that too... I mean, "Boo-hoo,

my business manager stole from me"?

Well, yeah,

but it's what really happened to you.

We just need to write a better punch line.

Um...

what about...

"My business manager stole from me and bought a Rolex.

Now every time he looks at it, it says '30 years to life.'"

It's not terrible.

That's what I love to hear.

This is hard.

Oh, my God!

How do you take those all at once?

Oh!

- It takes too much time to take them individually.

- So you have to unhinge your jaw like a snake?

God, I could never. - Oh, yeah, you could.

I've seen you take a bite of a hamburger.

Here. In fact, here. You should take one of these.

Oh, I don't...

- Oh, come on. Take it. It's good for you.

You need it. - Wait, this is huge.

Hi. We have an emergency.

They're retiring Black Pashmina.

- What? - Yeah.

It's being discontinued. - No!

- Can I have some water? - I'm so sorry.

What's that?

- Ugh, it's the fragrance I have worn

for 25 years.

- I found a Lord & Taylor 200 miles from here,

and they have it in stock.

- Okay, all right, if we skip the meet and greet and reroute,

we can still make it to Springfield on time.

- Really? Oh, my God. I'm so glad you're here.

- Oh, there's a free gift with purchase.

Lip liner and a travel size of the fragrance.

- Oh, no, they're gonna sell like wildfire.

- Yep. - Phil! Step on it.

We're taking a detour.

And remember, yellow means hit the gas!

So I use four to six bottles every...

I'm gonna need 57 bottles.

That is a lot of bottles.

- Well, I plan on living to be 102.

Conservatively.

Optimistically, 109.

- Wow. Like, biblical almost. What's in those pills?

- Well, I've been on a Mediterranean diet

for the last 40 years.

I come from Pilgrim blood.

We're a very hearty people.

Um...

not sure you should be,

like, proud of descending from colonizers.

I just, like, think that...

Tweet it.

No can do.

- Yeah, I'm gonna take the testers too.

Okay, I need 33 more.

See if you can find any anywhere on our route.

Yeah. Okay.

You and I are gonna go

to the clearance rack before we go.

People in this part of the country

don't understand fashion,

so the best stuff gets passed over.

Wow, what happened to,

"Just because they don't live in New York or LA

doesn't mean they don't know what's funny"?

They know comedy.

But they dress like tableware.

When I was a kid, I used to hide in these racks,

and one time I hid way too well

and my mom couldn't find me for, like, nine hours.

- Oh, God. - I realized you could survive

in a mall for a long time, though.

Like, you could sleep

in the home goods section.

- Live off samples from the food court.

Go to school at Barnes & Noble.

- That'd make a good movie. Kid grows up in a mall.

Yeah, it could be, like...

a metaphor for losing a parent.

Like, "Home Alone" meets late stage capitalism.

You should write that.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

See, this wouldn't fit me, but this would fit...

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

Finally! A woman!

- Ugh, you've gotta hire an HR person.

- I'm buying this for you. I'm buying it all.

- I don't want this. - Oh, it's not for you.

It's for the rest of us.

Deborah?

Susan.

Susan Essig?

Oh, my God. The hell?

Oh, my God.

- This is Ava. Ava, Susan.

It's been forever. - Yeah, I know.

Just think, a child born the day I quit comedy

would be old enough to quit comedy now.

- Wait, wait. - When did you quit?

- I retired after that Reno showcase.

You remember that?

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

What are you doing here?

- Well, actually, we're on our way to Springfield.

I'm doing the state fair.

- Oh, fun. That's... - Excuse me.

I'm still waiting on those flats in an 8 1/2.

- You're excused. She's actually helping us.

- Yeah, I actually do work on commission,

so I should probably get back to helping her.

- Oh. Yeah, well, good, good. Wait, no, she needs shoes.

Ava, go pick out some shoes.

- Anything I want? - Sure.

Not from the men's department!

- You know, the state fair is very popular around here.

My grandkids love it.

They go crazy for those deep fried Oreos.

I know I'm spoiling them, but I'll be long dead

by the time they develop diabetes.

Oh, God.

Oh, well, look, you know what?

Tell you what, why don't you bring them?

Bring them to the fair and come and see the show.

Well, we'd love that.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Good.

- Give me your number. - Yeah, yeah. Let's see.

Now you put yours in mine. - Oh.

- Okay, and then I'll put mine in yours.

Okay, so I don't know.

I opened something called Keynote?

- Oh, shoot, I just put my number

in your calculator. - Oh, well, you know what?

Here, take a picture of my calculator,

and then you could text me the picture.

- Well, which one's your camera?

- No, the camera on your phone. - Ugh.

Stepping in, folks.

Just gonna...

Handle that for you guys. No problem.

There you go.

Thanks.

I should go help that bitch.

But I'll see you at the fair.

- Go, go. All right, talk to you soon.

Okay, loafer report.

Deborah.

Okay, so these are technically unisex,

but I thought you might like them

because they are $800.