Family Guy

Good morning!

Is what normal families say.

Lois, I'll take my breakfast to go.

I'm going fishing with the fellas.

Peter, I thought we were going to have

some family time this weekend.

You're going fishing again?

Yes, Lois. I love fishing.

Remember, fishing was my not at all memorable job

for two years? No.

You don't remember my fishing boat?

You don't remember Santos and Pasqual?

Not even a little.

They were like male Consuelas.

It was a mistake making 'em Portuguese, though.

People don't even know what a Portuguese is.

That's what I thought a Portuguese was.

Me and my brain, huh?

And we're just getting started!

Boy, it's not like Quagmire to be this late.

Yeah.

Jeez, I've never tried

to make conversation with just Joe before.

This is brutal.

Come on, Joe, you're losing him.

Think of something.

This was your shot.

Two thirds of the planet is water.

Yeah.

Two thirds of the planet is water?

This guy's okay.

All right, well, um,

we should probably go find out what's keeping Quagmire.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

And you know, Joe, uh, I was thinking.

Maybe one night we get dinner, just the two of us.

I would like that.

Hey, Quagmire?

You in there?

Holy crap!

Oh, my God!

He must have Autoerotically Asphyxiated himself!

Yeah, while he was watching clown porn.

Oh, yeah, Baby.

Oh yeah, Baby! You make me so horny!

Come on, help me get him down!

Peter, he's still alive!

We got to get him to a hospital!

All right, but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first.

Oh, Peter, we came as soon as we heard.

How is he?

He's in a coma, Lois.

My God, what the hell happened?

He hung himself during Autoerotic Asphyxiation.

Just goes to show anything can be dangerous.

Is his family here?

His sister Brenda is coming with her boyfriend, Jeff.

Oh, my God, not that guy.

Is she still with him?

Isn't he the one that beats her?

Yeah, but she's gotten a lot better.

All right, on the way back,

I get to pick the radio station, because that was awful.

I know, yeah, it was, I'm sorry.

Oh, God, I just... I hope Glenn's okay.

I'm so worried about him.

Shut up and limp!

We're in a handicapped spot, you slut!

Well, Miss Quagmire,

your brother Glenn is lucky to be alive.

You know, we're all lucky to be alive on such a beautiful day.

In fact, nurse.. All surgeries are outside today.

You know, when we were kids,

our mother used to sing a song when we were sad.

Maybe that'll help now.

Come on, Brenda, a stupid nursery rhyme

isn't going to wake him up, especially the way you sing.

Right, Man?

Gyaaaa.

This song is from childhood?

Where am I?

What happened?

Oh, Glenn!

Oh, thank God you're all right!

Hey, you touching my girl?

Relax, Jeff. That's her brother.

Yeah, that's how it starts.

Come on, Brenda, we got to get out of here.

I need cigarettes and jeans.

Oh, thanks, you guys, for all your help through this.

Oh, Glenn, we're just so glad you're all right.

And Jeff and I are happy to stay here with you

for as long as you need.

Fine, then you call my cousin Terry

and tell him we're not going to be at his karate recital!

Well, Jeff, he is my brother.

Why do you always got to remind me I didn't finish high school?

Well, listen, how about I make us all some dinner, huh?

Come here!

You fat, ugly bitch!

If today wasn't your birthday...

Jeff! Please, you're being...

What? What am I being?

Crazy? Unemployed?

Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas?

I-I-I didn't call them! They were called!

Oh, now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat?

I got another cat.

Aw, that yellow lab looks like it's dying.

Peter, that's Gwyneth Paltrow.

She's fine.

Look, turn off the light.

I just want to get to sleep and put this ugly night behind us.

All that unpleasantness with Brenda and Jeff

was more than I can handle.

It's no big deal, Lois.

We probably just caught 'em on an off night.

Where do you get off calling me a deadbeat

in front of your brother?

No, Jeff, a-a-all I said was that you were in between jobs!

Well, it wouldn't matter

if you'd just pick up that night shift at the prison!

But then I'll be working a hundred hours a week.

So what?

I need money for motor oil and wallet chains!

Okay, I'll ask about it Monday.

Can I put my nightgown back on?

No, I'm not done drawing!

Hey, Peter.

Geez, Quagmire, you look terrible.

Oh, I didn't get any sleep.

Hi, Glenn. How are you?

Not great, Lois.

I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister.

I know, it sounded like there was quite a ruckus going on

over there last night.

That Jeff seems like kind of a monster.

Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq Lobster.

I've tried talking to Brenda about leaving him,

but I haven't gotten anywhere.

I was actually hoping you could talk to her, Lois.

She might open up more to you, you know, 'cause you're a woman.

Me? Yeah, would you mind at least trying?

Well, I guess she does need someone to talk to.

Well, let's hope she's good at talking

'cause we know she doesn't listen so good.

That... We know.

You know, Brenda, I'm glad we could get together.

Me, too, Lois.

It's nice to have a girlfriend to chat with.

Don't you have any back home?

Oh, no. Jeff would never allow that.

You know, that's kind of what

I want to talk to you about, Brenda.

Do you mind taking off your sunglasses?

Oh, my God.

No, i-it's really not that bad.

It only hurts when I see.

You know, you don't have to stay with a man

who treats you that way.

Oh, Jeff's sweet.

You don't see how soft and gentle he hits me when we're alone.

Do you hear yourself?

He shouldn't be hitting you at all.

I don't think you understand how serious a matter...

Close your menu. What?

Close your menu, so they know we're ready to order.

I'll give you another moment.

Damn it.

I'm sorry. Oh, shoot.

See, this is why Jeff corrects me all the time.

Corrects you?

Brenda, he's not correcting you, he's beating you!

Well, I-I-I can see why you'd think that

'cause of the punches and all,

but it's just that Jeff's been so angry about immigrants.

What?

It'll be better when he gets back to work.

Our relationship is just complicated, that's all.

No, Brenda, it's not complicated.

Trying to get a straight answer

out of a 23 year old girl is complicated.

So, do you want to go out some time?

Out like, go out or hang out or just do something?

Like a date.

Like a date date? Or like a date?

Both, I... I guess.

Yeah, sure, maybe. I don't know. Yes, no.

Here's the first three digits of my phone number.

E-mail me.

Joe, the guy's a menace.

They've been with me three days now,

and all he does is beat her day and night.

And on top of that, they say they don't need

to be entertained, but then they're always like,

"Hey, so what're we doing? What's next?"

Hey, Joe, can't you... Can't you just arrest the guy?