Psych

Jeez, Chavo, you look like a giant baby on film.

Make sure that little red light's blinking.

Thank you for that amazing advice.

Thank you for being so sarcastic.

Take it easy.

Ready?

I am currently standing less than 200 meters

from where Chavo here cowered like a bitch in a bush,

but somehow managed to get a picture

of this thing's right calf and buttock

before it disappeared into the bush.

And here's a fact: If I go down,

you're like a dog without a bone, chica.

Dude, I would pick up that camera and forge ahead

like Denzel picked up the flag in Glory.

There have been a spate of recent sightings

of what has locally gained traction

as a Bigfoot-type creature. But wait, there's more.

Yeah, show them the transmitter.

We have planted a number of these motivational devices

in order to entice our favorite squatch

into giving us a little encore.

Calm down, Chavo.

I know how much you love dark meat and technology.

Careful, that's a $200 tracking device in there.

What the hell is that?

Would you stop it? That is a ridiculous sound.

Forget you, Shawn.

You know I'm allergic to pine needles

and most types of dirt. Plus, it's raining now.

If I don't start smelling slow-roasting brisket

in the next two minutes, we're turning around.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Shawn frigging Spencer?

You really came. This is the boobs.

Uh, Kate, favor.

Wow, you look just like your picture on the blog spot.

I thought it was a screen cap

of Angelina Jolie in Original Sin.

Shawn, who are these people, and why do they know your name?

We know your name too, Pootie Tang.

Wa da ta.

Oh, Gus, we're just joking with you

because you're sweet enough to melt

and drizzle on two scoops of me.

This is Chi-Chi--uh, Chavo.

He hid in a bush when he heard you guys coming

because he thought you guys were Bigfoot

and he forgot to take his Midol this morning.

Okay, I was going for a low, ominous angle,

- and also, I don't have ovaries. - That's debatable.

- Uh, Bigfoot? - Yeah, Bigfoot.

Uh, did Shawn not tell you the deal, or--

What deal? We're on our way to the Sassy Quatch.

It's a secret barbecue hut built into the side of a cave

that almost nobody knows about.

It has the best tasting corn pudding in all of--

Shawn, you son of a bitch. Why do you have a camera?

Uh, well, buddy, if I'd told you the truth,

you wouldn't have come.

Here's the thing. I, uh--I stumbled

upon Kate and Chavo's blog when I was messing around

on the Harry and the Hendersons fan site.

- Turns out-- - Shawn...

John Lithgow is never writing you back.

He's never even heard of that site.

- Okay, that is your opinion. - Look.

If Shawn can help us find the beast

by using his gift, and we can catch it all on camera,

we will win the Student Academy Award.

Dude, the Student Academy Award.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I will not get eaten by a bear

to prove that Bigfoot does not exist. Nope.

No bears eating me. Not today, not ever.

- Not even in your dreams. - Okay.

- You just jinxed yourself. - Suck it, Shawn.

At least stick around and let us show you

the Bigfoot blind we built. It's totally rad.

And we have a mondo stash of beef jerky there.

- Dude, they have meat here. - Lots of meat.

Fine. I will stay only long enough

to refuel and put something in my stomach.

I'm famished, and I'm starting

to see floating protozoa and whatnot.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

Okay, great. Chi-Chi, why don't you, uh,

grab some wood for the fire and I'll show the boys the blind.

Almost there, boys.

What do you think?

You think that's her natural gait?

All right, look.

I'm sorry I lied, okay? But let's be honest.

Shame on you for believing

there was a place called the Sassy Quatch

built into the side of a cave in the first place.

Man, you know all I heard

were the key words "dry rub" and "pone."

What are we doing out here, Shawn?

We're not gonna be able to help these fools.

You can say that again. Hold up.

We should both be on camera for this.

It's important for story drive.

- What? - Come on, dudes.

What is more interesting than a documentary

about finding Bigfoot?

Anything but Capturing the Friedmans.

A documentary about a documentary

about finding Bigfoot that fails.

I will slap you in the teat, Shawn.

Oh, think about it, Gus. They're making Don Quixote.

We're making Lost in la Mancha.

- Oh, my God. - We have never won anything.

Especially you.

Now who do you think's gonna win

that Student Academy Award now?

Here's a hint: us.

Now pull out your phone and start shooting some b-roll.

Come on, guys, chop-chop. Gus to the world.

Here's a news flash, Shawn: We are not students.

Here's another one: This is the worst idea

you've come up with since Odwallapalooza.

Okay, first of all, organic juices and weird elixirs

that are alive are the future, Gus.

Just like milk was the future back in the '50s.

And "B," yesterday, I enrolled you

in something called hermeneutics at UCSB.

I think it's the study of the Munsters,

- so we should be fine. - You did not.

I sure did.

Shawn, hermeneutics is the study of theory.

- Well, that feels redundant. - Oh, my gosh.

I could have an exam on Friday. I need to find a syllabus.

Pretty dope little setup, huh?

Chavo did it in, like, 15 minutes.

You just helped yourself, huh?

So, Kate, what's the story with you and Chavo?

It's just a business relationship,

or are you guys lovers in the nighttime?

Man, I think we should all be lovers in the nighttime.

The human libido is way too powerful to be governed

by a set of rudimentary laws or a button fly.

Life's not The Notebook, you know?

It's Wild Orchid. It's Last Tango in Paris.

It's Jungle Fever.

Holy hell!

He's real.

Oh, my God, are you seeing this?

Dude, dude, dude!

Shawn, if we get out of here alive, I will kill you.

So what's my incentive to live?

She's gonna get eaten, Shawn.

She's gonna get eaten and then we're gonna get eaten.

Would you--where-- would you relax?

Breathe.

Think about what's happening.

Where's Chavo?

- He's gathering timber. - Wrong.

He just changed into a giant dog suit

and came around that corner

with a big fake emu over his shoulder.

- It wasn't an emu. - This is brilliant, Gus.

We're no longer making a documentary about a failure.

We're making a documentary about a hoax.

They're circulating the rumors on their blog,

doctoring that photo,

and spreading it all over the Internet.

Okay, fine, fine.

You're probably right.

But there are still bears out here, Shawn.

Black bears that feel no kinship to black men.

- Hey. - Aah!

Sorry, uh, I don't have a long enough lens.

Plus, Bigfoot won't come out of the cave.

I-I think we need to get closer.

Actually, Kate, I am-- I am sensing

that our best bet is to head back to the camp,

get some more supplies,

and come back with Chavo.

- Power in numbers. - All right.

Yeah, it's hard not to get a little excited

about all this.

We understand. But let's be smart.

Plus, Chavo will be able to speak the creature's language.

How do you know Squatch is Latino?

How do you know he isn't?

Well, gee, I wonder where Chavo could be.

I'm here, I'm here.

Where's the firewood, Chavo?

Mira, I heard something, like a muffled scream

coming from the other direction.

Yeah?

Well, guess what we motherfrigging saw. It!

Dude, it trudged towards that cave,

and you can totally see it from the blind.

But we didn't want you to miss anything, Chavo,

so we figured we'd all go back together

as a group so we can see each other.

Oh, I got it. And thank you.

Oh, wait till you see it, baby, oh, my God.

I am so turned on right now.