The Animal

Our five-day forecast.

Next up, the tree girl from Elkerton.

Living in a tree for an entire year...

local girl, Rianna "Hummingbird" Holmes, is finally coming down.

Unlike the better known Julia Hill...

the rest of Miss Holmes' forest was leveled...

though she did manage to save one giant redwood tree.

- All right! - How are you doing?

I just want to thank everyone who sent me...

food and letters of support.

Especially the mentally handicapped child who sent me this book of poems.

She read my poems!

Thank you.

Dimples!

Come on in the house!

Morning, Miss De La Rosa. Dimples got out again.

I let him out.

Well, you have a good day now.

I am a warrior.

On your left.

Well, boys and girls...

this is the most important room in the entire police station.

This is the most important room in the entire police station.

This is the police evidence room. This is where I work.

Are you a real policeman?

Evidence file clerks work very closely with real policemen.

Evidence file clerks work very closely with real policemen.

So you're not a real policeman.

As soon as I pass the obstacle course, I'm gonna be a real policeman.

Yeah, okay, pal.

All the evidence is arranged by case number.

Do you realize we're almost as tall as you?

This field trip sucks.

I think I might have some candy somewhere.

Look, everyone... marijuana!

I'm sorry. You're not allowed to touch that. That's police evidence.

What are you gonna do... arrest us? You're not a real cop.

Guys, that's really...

- I got him! - Yea!

Mange!

What is going on in here?

Let me see that.

Thanks, Sarge.

Right there. You're missing an "R."

There. Outstanding.

Now, who wants to go for a ride with a real police officer?

- Marvin, what happened to you? - Kids.

I can't believe you let a bunch of eight-year-old kids embarrass you.

I'm gonna really do it this time, Dad.

I'm gonna be a real policeman just like you were.

I'll make you so proud of me.

I'm not gonna be a huge loser anymore.

Give me that!

- Stretch it, Marvin! - It won't go any further.

Back up. Let me give it a shot. Come on, Marvin!

Maybe this year you won't pee your pants and cry for your mama.

- That was a good one, Sarge. - Don't worry. Nobody remembers that.

Listen up.

You have four minutes to complete...

the physical endurance portion of your police examination.

I have personally designed this course...

to simulate actual conditions one might encounter...

in the field.

Good luck.

Take a good look at that ass. You'll be following it all day.

Ready! Set!

Go, Marvin! Go!

Go, Marvin! You got her!

Marvin, take her!

Kiss it!

Okay. Right.

How does this simulate something that would happen in the field?

Come on, Marvin!

You got it! That's it!

- Marvin, you okay? - At least you didn't pee in your pants.

Maybe we should wait till everyone leaves.

Pop quiz. Who's this?

Mange!

That's four times in a row.

Refills?

Thank you.

- Y'all see that shit? - What?

I'm sitting in the middle, and she poured my beer first.

So?

Don't you see? It's because I'm black.

Maybe she's just being nice.

- See, now we're getting to it. - What?

What y'all call "nice," I call reverse racism.

"Let's be overly nice to the black man."

Let's make up for his ancestors being plucked from their homeland...

crammed by the hundreds into leaky boats with no bathrooms...

like human tuna fish, and if most of them didn't die on the way over...

"they would have to go into show business to make a decent damn living."

And now she's gonna pour my beer first?

That's not gonna make up for 400 years of injustice. No, sir. Not today.

I wish I was black.

I'd have my onion rings by now.

I gotta go take a wizzer.

Oh, geez, I'm sorry.

I didn't know anybody was in here.

There's a long line in the ladies' room.

Wait. You're Rianna "Hummingbird" Holmes.

Look, I think it's great what you did, saving that tree...

even though they leveled all those other trees.

Glad to see you're doing your part.

I'm sorry. I'm wasting trees.

They should get one of those...

They should get one of those blow job by things.

I mean, hand jobbies... I mean, hand blowers.

Bye.

I wrote you a poem.

Working out and eating a high-protein diet is not enough.

You need a high-potency, high-mineral, mega-amino...

anabolic body-building supplement.

Nothing legally will give you all that...

except Badger Milk.

A badger can lift 20 times its body weight.

Can you do that?

Our potent supplement is made up of 25% real badger milk.

If you call now, you'll get...

two cartons of Badger Milk for the price of one.

Check out the pecs on Yolanda.

That is pure Badger Milk.

Hey, Marv, could you cover for me for a minute?

- I'm the only one here. - No problem.

Everyone else is down at the softball game. Thanks.

There's a softball game today?

Freeze, puke!

Put down that VCR! Put it down!

You bought it, did you?

You have a receipt, do you?

My mistake.

I'm new on the force.

Police Department. Can I help you?

This is Mr. Tam of Tam's Restaurant. I'm being robbed.

Tam's Restaurant? That's terrible! I go there all the time.

You guys have the best orange-flavored bean cake.

- Thank you very much. - The chili peppers give it a real kick.

They're shooting at me now!

Hold on. I'll get some help.

Officers needed. I got a two-eleven. Robbery in progress.

Hello?

Outstanding.

Officers needed! Hello?

Can you just sit tight until I can reach somebody?

I got a two-eleven in progress. I'm in pursuit.

Hello? Two-eleven in progress!

That wasn't so bad.

- Thanks for the lift. - Not at all.

Dimples, you okay?

The Badger Milk girl.

She seems nice.

Now, that's good badger milk.

- Hey, Fatty. - I gotta go.

Marvin, where the hell have you been?

Well, last night after you left, I got a call.

Two-eleven. Robbery in progress at Tam's Restaurant.

Marvin, it was over a week ago.

You've been missing for eight days.

- What? - I tried to cover for you.

I told everyone you were an unreliable drunk who disappears for days on end.

So I think you're okay.

- Thanks a lot. - Are you all right, Marvin?

Do you wanna see a doctor?

No. I feel great.

- On your left. - Sure, pass the old guy, big man!

- On your left. - Sure, pass the old guy, big man!

- How's it going? - What?

Shit!

Come on! Come on!

Come on, boy! Come on!

Oh, easy! Easy! Whoa!

Slow down.

You gotta show me how you do that.

I wish I knew. I'm Marvin.

I'm Rianna.

I know. I met you in the men's room.

Oh, yeah. The fart guy.

So, are all these dogs yours?

Kind of. I volunteer at a pet shelter.

- That's great. - Yeah, it's pretty cool.

I get to hang out with all sorts of different animals and...

At least this time I have a roof over my head.

Is something wrong?

No. Nothing's wrong. Why?

- Nice catch. - Thank you.

You should come by the shelter sometime.

You know, you could play Frisbee with the dogs.

I'd like that.

Bye.

I'm sorry.

Miles, I gotta talk to you.

I didn't know you smoked.

I don't. It's illegal to smoke in the airports.

I just wanted to show you how bad it's gotten. Watch this.

See? Nobody even says anything to me because I'm black.

"let's bend the rules for the black guy.

Let's let him smoke because he's black."

Just because all those old blues musicians never got any royalties...

and had to play one-night gigs until they were, like, a hundred...