The Shaggy Dog

This is our target.

He's to be captured, not harmed.

Which man is it?

We're after the canine.

His name is Khyi Yag Po.

Translation: "Dog of Ageless Wonder."

Uh, sir, this picture's 80 years old.

Everybody in it is dead.

Not everyone.

"It's misguided youth. Your Honor..."

That sounds so pompous. Can't... What's another word for misguided?

Misguided... It's too on the money.

Um...

Dog!

Hey, Baxter!

Why is it that my yard is that mutt's outhouse?

Uhh, FYI, calling Attila a mutt

is like referring to my Porsche Carrera

as a Buick Skylark.

Hey, look, whatever kind of car your dog is,

I'd appreciate it if he wasn't whizzin' on my shrubs.

You know what your problem is, Dave. You hate dogs.

No, I do not hate dogs. I dislike dogs.

I hate that dog. Now get outta here!

Oh, stop that. You did not hear that, did you?

You did not hear that.

Are you OK? Baby?

Forrester got himself in the newspaper today.

No more testing!

And all over the TV.

The trial of Justin Forrester,

a local schoolteacher accused of arson

- in a fire at Grant & Strictland. - Great.

Well, ya just can't burn a building down,

because you think they're puttin' makeup on bunnies.

You're going to Josh's parent-teacher conference, right?

- Josh! - What?

Josh's parent-teacher thing? Four o'clock?

You said you'd take care of it.

Honey, I... I'm starting a trial today.

Ken Hollister's stepping down.

Don't you want me to be the next DA?

Dave, you never make these things.

All right. I'll take him.

Look, you know what? Let me say, once...

Once I get through all this stuff,

why don't I take you to Oahu?

You know that way that you always say "Oahu,"

and you think it's so cute?

It really just reminds me of how many times you've canceled that trip.

- Hey, Dad. - Hey, good mornin', Josh.

How's football goin'?

Awesome. I'm playin' tailback.

Just like your old man. Well, I can't wait.

When can I come down and watch you play?

Oh, um, you know, the games don't start for a while.

- Really? - Yeah.

Mornin'.

Hey, take the T-shirt off.

Why? Did you drop the charges?

You know, this might be hard for you to understand, sweetie,

but your social studies teacher,

the Torch, is a criminal.

What's hard to believe is that my father is defending a puppy-murderer.

Who're you gonna put in jail next? Grandma?

Well, the way she cooks, I should put her in jail.

Here's your... here's your buddy,

your hero, your social studies teacher.

This guy lit a lab on fire, and he coulda killed a lot of people.

Yeah, but he says he's innocent, and I believe him.

Gee, a criminal who thinks he's innocent. What a concept.

- - Oh. That's Trey. Josh, you want a ride?

In Trey's car? Yeah.

Thanks. Here you go.

- Bye. - Bye.

Bye.

Oh, nice shirt.

If I was puttin' your physics teacher in jail, you'd be thrilled.

Justin Forrester is a passionate advocate of animal rights.

And I respect that.

But this case is not about animal rights.

This case is about whether the defendant

criminally trespassed on Grant & Strictland property

and set a fire

that caused over $300,000 worth of damage.

He broke into a company that's dedicated to good.

From their organic pet foods and shampoos

to their life-saving medicines.

Created by them to help people like you and me

fight heart disease, arthritis,

diabetes, obesity.

And yes, even baldness.

We will, by the way, subpoena that tape.

I'm sorry, that's all the time I have. Thank you all very much.

Dave. Here's your messages.

And I am holding 4:00 open for your kid thing.

OK, 4:00 for the kid thing.

Unless you want me to go for you. 'Cause I will.

No, thanks. Thanks.

Dave. Hey. Great opening.

You really won over that jury.

I learned everything from you, Ken.

- Dr. Kozak. - Yes.

Glad to have ya here. Sorry I couldn't put you on the stand today.

All right. Apology accepted.

Ken tells me that when he steps down,

you're gonna be our next district attorney.

- Well, that's my hope. - Certainly.

Well, hopefully justice will be served.

You'll have my support as well as that of Grant & Strictland.

- Till tomorrow? OK. - All right.

- Once again. - We actually just shook hands.

Yes, we did.

Thank you.

Kozak. How did it go in court today?

Ah, Mr. Strictland. Uh...

It went very, very, very well, sir.

Have you unlocked the dog's secret?

Let's talk in the elevator, OK?

I have something to show you that I think will be most pleasing.

Have you figured out why the dog lives so long?

Well, I... I take it you're familiar with the concept of dog years, sir?

- Don't like dogs. - You don't like...

- I keep a squirrel. - OK. A pet squirrel.

That's, uh, something.

Typically, dogs age seven years for every human year.

But in the case of this one,

this one that we borrowed from Tibet,

a genetic mutation reversed the equation.

What I'm saying is,

he lives seven years for every human year.

Sir, this dog is over 300 years old.

Hmm.

The things you must have seen.

If we could transmit that gene to humans,

we'd all live 700 years.

We've isolated the gene fairly quickly.

But we're unable to viralize it outside his body

for transmission to other species.

Therefore, we've had to viralize his entire genetic code in corpus.

Which makes his bodily fluids...

- Pretty dangerous stuff. - Somewhat.

But it would have to enter the bloodstream to do any serious damage.

- Correct. We're really careful. - Mm-hm.

- How close are we? - How 'bout the snake?

Let's go look at the snake, see how the snake's doin'.

You might be interested to know, sir,

that when we got this snake, he was nearly dead.

He was nearly dead of old age.

Since we injected him with the serum

made from the dog's viralized DNA,

all cell degradation has ceased.

And he's actually been getting stronger.

Does that snake have a furry tail?

Uh, that would be a-a-a side effect

that I would classify as, uh, minor.

Kozak, dry mouth is minor side effect.

Growing a dog's tail is...

It makes your serum into a carnival act.

You know what? Your job is to relax. Our job is to work out the kinks, OK?

Because when we do, Lance,

you and I are gonna have the patent on the fountain of youth.

Ah. Excuse me.

Uh, yeah, Security. Go for Kozak.

Grant & Strictland's lying, so we're lying down!

Grant & Strictland's lying, so we're lying down!

When I called you, it was to make sure these people were arrested.

I understand that.

If we arrest them, they turn into rebels with a cause on the 6:00 news.

If we leave 'em there, they're just kids layin' on the sidewalk.

- Puppy-killers! - ...so we're lying down!

Hmm. Good advice. All right. Thanks for your help.

- You bet. - I'm good.

Let's go.

All right, fellas, let's just get some sort of perimeter on this.

They're just kids. Let 'em do their thing.

When they get hungry, they're all gonna go home.

- Hold on a minute. - Grant & Strictland's lying, so we're lying down!

Grant & Strictland's lying, so we're lying down!

- Hi, Dad. - Hi, Carly.

What're you doing here?

I'm lying down for what I believe in.

Uh, good to see you, Mr. Douglas.

It's always good to see you too, Trey.

We need to talk.

Oh, yeah, sure thing.

Um, Trey, make some room for Dad.

- Ow! - Get up. C'mon. Jeez.

- OK, OK. - No, no, no, no. Not OK.

We gotta get outta here now. We're leavin' right now.

As a member of the Animal Rescue Group, there are principles...

You're a member of the 11th grade.

If you don't get out of here right now, I'm gonna ground you.

Who's gonna enforce it? You? You're never home.

You're never gonna leave home unless you leave here right now.

Come on, Trey.

It was nice seeing you.

You too, Trey.

- - OK.

Yeah, this one still freaks me out. A lot.