Modern Family

- _ - Speech! Speech!

- Okay, okay, okay. Settle down. - _

Um...

It's hard to believe I'm 50.

A-A-As of today, I'm middle-aged.

What's he been the last 10 years?

Delusional. He thinks he's a millennial, like us.

I've thought a lot about what's next.

- 51. - Thank you, buddy.

And it's important that I continue to grow

and that I stay mentally challenged.

Which is why I am starting...

piano lessons,

so that by next year's birthday,

I'll be good enough to perform in public.

Oh, great. Another thing to go to.

Also, I'm gonna learn how to speak Spanish.

Excelente!

Uh, I... I haven't started yet.

Um, and finally, um...

and I know it's a little bit of a midlife-crisis cliché,

but...

I'm gonna learn how to ride a unicycle!

Phil, you forgot to open one of your gifts.

Ooh!

This one, Jay picked it up for you himself.

- He did? - Hey, Dad.

So, what's going on with that hat?

Gloria thinks I look grumpy in the photos that we take

when we go to these things,

so I'm searching for the right hat

that makes me look like I'm having fun.

Or you could just smile more.

- Eh. - Wow!

"The Sommelier's Guide

- "to the Wines of France." - Ooh!

- I love it so much. - Nice!

Oh, my goodness. It's inscribed.

"May you continue to age

as gracefully as a fine Bordeaux."

"Happy Birthday, Jay. Love, Cam."

- Cam. Yeah. Jay, you re-gifted my gift? - Dad!

- I didn't know he wrote in it. - Because you didn't open it.

So now I feel like a jerk.

How could you be a jerk? You're wearing that hat.

_

A year from now, I'm gonna know what that means.

I got Gloria the greatest Valentine's Day gift...

a box set of DVDs of all the Dean Martin Roasts.

I was so moved by the romantic gesture

that for Jay's birthday,

I invited a bunch of people over to insult him.

So, my ex-wife and I,

we were on vacation with Jay and Gloria.

They're walking down the beach, and my ex-wife says,

"Whoa, look at all that skin."

And I said, "Baby, come on."

"What's wrong with that?

She's a beautiful woman in a bikini."

She said, "Oh, I'm talkin' about Jay's scalp."

Jay is so not Latin

that every time that he dances,

people point him to the bathroom.

He has no rhythm. That's what I mean.

But seriously, I love the whites.

No, but seriously, Jay is quite the environmentalist.

Just this last year, he recycled a gift of mine...

a wonderful book about wine.

I-I don't want to say my father is old,

but he remembers panicking at Y-1-K.

My dad is old.

How old is he?

He's so old that when he started using it,

it was called Preparation G.

Enough!

This is terrible!

I don't know why any of you people think this is funny!

You may think these are jokes, but it's way too real.

We need to respect Grandpa instead of cutting him down.

None of us really knows how much time he has left.

Do you really want these to be the last words he hears?

Well, now I feel like hell.

And that's how you roast! Bam!

I don't understand why adults make such a big deal

about their birthdays.

So this year, I asked for nothing.

No party, no fuss.

Just a quiet night by myself,

with my thoughts, all alone.

Okay.

Just as I had hoped, Mitchell is miserable.

He said he didn't want a party,

but it's like when you write "No gifts" on an invitation

but you secretly want everyone to bring something

big and expensive, Jotham.

I made a heartfelt toast at your party.

Yes, and those 12 words were just as generous

as the actual physical gifts everyone else brought.

Okay, I'm gonna go in.

When you hear me say "Mitchell, you're not alone,"

that's when you come in and you yell "Surprise."

We know what to say.

Mm. Do you?

Hey!

- How you doing? Okay? - Yeah.

Now do you see what it's like to spend your birthday alone?

I do. And it's...

- Yeah. - ...amazing.

- What? - Cam, thank you. Thank you.

For once, you heard me and gave me exactly what I wanted

instead of what you thought I should want.

Honey, this is the best birthday present ever.

- It is? - Yes!

Oh, and you've... you've got to be relieved, too.

I mean, every time we hang out with our friends,

they leave and you spend the rest of the night

complaining about how every single one of them annoys you.

I don't know what you're talking about!

Oh, please. Jotham's cheap. L'Michael has bad breath.

That doesn't sound like me!

Antonio's weave is falling apart.

Vincent's a sloppy drunk.

Oh, oh, Jeffrey won't stop telling

his one Bernadette Peters story.

You're the sloppy drunk!

Surprise!

Here's a thing I realized...

You can't get older if you never have birthdays.

- What'd I tell you? - I thought this would be the year.

I told my family I just wanted my birthday

to be me and Dylan this year because at the time,

I was still keeping my pregnancy a secret,

and I knew they'd get all suspicious

about why I wasn't drinking.

What was I going to say?

"I can't drink because I have work in the morning"?

There's no way they'd believe that.

Here. I got you a present.

Ooh! Thank you!

Get out!

Gucci baby sneakers!

They're adorable.

Our baby's gonna be so hot.

Personally, I think it's weird

that there are shoes for someone who can't walk.

But you know what, Haley? I love that we're pregnannnt...

- Hello! - Hi!

What are you guys doing here?

At the restaurant? We got a...

- We got a Groupon, but we... - Us too.

Yeah, we j... we just saw that you were over here.

- Wanted to say happy birthday. - Happy birthday.

Didn't mean to overhear.

You didn't overhear anything.

We were talking about a TV show.

Oh, well, then, what's... what's up

with these little baby shoes, then?

These are... These are not baby shoes.

- Oh. - No, they're, um...

We are starting a business

for people who cannot afford full-size designer wear.

Oh. Well, as much as that does sound like you, I...

Okay.

- I'm pregnant. - Oh, my God.

That's exciting!

- Is it? - We think so.

But we have not told my parents yet,

so please don't say anything.

Oh, honey, I could keep your secret forever,

but just so you know, he can't.

Yeah, I'm weak.

Yeah, you got maybe three, four days tops.

- What? - Yeah.

Oh. Okay. Well, these were from us, but...

Yeah, she can't have it. She's pregnant.

Okay, there you go. See?

Now, you listen to me.

My roller-coastering hormones

cannot handle another lecture from my mother right now,

so you are going to tell me a secret

that I will reveal to everyone if you ever spill mine!

- Yeah, but I don't have any secrets. - Mm?

Uh, when he dresses as Fizbo,

he puts the makeup everywhere.

- Mm. You're the best. - Mm-hmm.

Because of the whole 21 thing,

people don't think turning 20 is a big deal.

But it's all I've been thinking about

for the last three years.

Hey.

Three years ago, I came in here,

and when I saw you, I fell in love.

The kind of love that punches you in the gut

and makes you wanna be a better man.

But when I asked you out, you said, "Sorry, kid.

You're cute, but I don't date teenagers."

Well... check it out.

Oh! Happy birthday!

But now I don't date men.

Oh.