Meet the Spartans

In the land of Sparta...

when babies were born...

the elders would inspect them for defects.

BABY Ah. Are you my mama?

'Cause I'm ready to suckle a teat.

If any imperfections were found...

the baby was rejected.

And if the baby...

was Vietnamese...

Brangelina had first dibs.

Cute, huh?

Behold Leonidas...

Ah-ooh!

...the perfect Spartan.

From an early age...

Leonidas was taught to fight.

Come on, you little shit! Come on!

You can't beat me.

You're never gonna be a Spartan, never.

Take this, Granny!

Aah!

He was tortured, taught to show no pain.

Tell me, Mr. Bond...

what is the account number?

Who the hell is Mr. Bond?

I'm Leonidas.

You're testing my patience, Double-Oh.

But I am not Double-

Oh!

Oh!

Little Miss Sunshine!

Oh, oh-

Here's a nice one. Oh-

That's right. Yeah.

No, no, no.

Mr. Bond, I'd like you to meet Captain Adorable.

Good boy.

Good boy. Who's a good boy?

Leonidas was sent into the wild...

to learn how to survive.

He braved the elements...

endured starvation.

No mayo?

This is bullshit!

The beast stalks Leonidas...

red eyes glowing like the fires ofhell.

Man, you've got happy feet.

What you laughin' at, asswipe?

I'm about to shove my happy foot up your ass...

- cracker. - Nice penguin.

Where you going, pussy?

I'm 'bout to make you my bitch, Leonidas.

Lick my snowballs.

Now eat my penguin asshole.

That Taco Bell ain't sittin' right.

Oh, it smells!

Ha! Caught you with your mouth open.

You dead, Leonidas.

Say "Wassup?" To Anna Nicole for me.

Shit! I'm stuck!

Oh, we got a penguin pinned down!

Help! Help!

Oh! My ass!

My ass hurt! Oh!

Why you wanna do me like that?

Come on, man, I could hook you up.

We could work it out.

I'll suck your dick!

And the boy that was cast into the wild...

returned a king!

# Oh! #

#Yeah, yeah #

#Ak' sizzle #

- #The bomb # - # Get down #

# Baby, down, I know you love the sound #

#When we do what we do #

- #We get you in the mood # - #Ak'Sent's in the building #

- # Pick it up, pick it up # - #Yeah #

- # I know you love the feel # - # Come on #

# Let's keep it on the real #

#This... is like the bomb #

- # So fresh # - Whoa!

#The bomb, so dope #

#The bomb, so def #

- #The bomb # - Boobs.

# So cool, the bomb, so fresh #

#The bomb, so dope #

#The bomb #

Sign my rack?

# So cool #

And they're real, too.

Yes!

Marry me?

What's that?

The combination to my chastity belt.

Oh-

Leonidas!

Leonidas was stoked.

He wed Margo, and she bore him a fine son.

And life in the land of Sparta was good.

Yes! Yes! Good!

Thanks, Dad.

Give me your hand.

Remember, Son: A warrior...

must learn to take a hit.

Fight with your head;

think with your heart.

Huh?

Give him the pile driver, honey.

Pile driver?

That's my boy.

My queen.

No!

- Captain. - No!

I see Leonidas is molding our future king of Sparta...

to be a man.

I remember when my father used to beat me.

Traditional rites of passage.

No. My father was an alcoholic.

Ow!

Xerxes' messenger awaits, my king.

Greetings, Leonidas.

Greetings, messenger.

What the hell was that?

What?

You just kissed me!

That is how men of Sparta greet one another.

High fives for the women...

and open-mouth tongue kisses for the men.

Ooh.

I get it.

Get what?

Uh... y-you have a...

"free society" here.

Yes. The freest.

Uh, not that there's anything wrong with that.

I dig big black dudes.

Yeah.

Come, messenger, let us walk.

The great Xerxes has taken over the world...

with his vast Persian army...

and has set his sights on his final conquest-

Sparta.

Let us talk by the giant pit of death.

Okay.

Xerxes is a kind god-king...

and offers these...

peaceful alternatives to war.

No blood will be shed...

as long as you Spartan men build his pyramids...

your women become his sex slaves...

and your children...

work at sweatshops...

making Nikes.

That sounds reasonable.

I'm sure you would...

think so, Councilman Traitoro.

Tell Xerxes...

...to take his proposal...

and shove it!

What the hell?!

What? He came on to me!

I did not.

Dawg, your wife's a ho.

This means war!

Hey, hey, hey, it's cool, it's cool.

Uh, we got San Francisco...

and West Hollywood.

We don't need Sparta.

I'll just tell Xerxes it's a "no go. "

Kick his ass in.

This is madness!

Madness?

This is Sparta!

Why did you do that?

He was backing down.

My lord, he will tell Xerxes that Sparta...

is not for them, so, whatever you do...

don't kick him into the pit of death.

Stop kicking people into the pit of death. Really!

# Oh, no #

# Oh, yeah #

# Uh-huh, yeah. #

I don't know why y'all...

have to always get on my back for everything.

I'm a responsible adult.

Look at me- I'm booby-feeding my baby.

Sometimes I like to give him fried milk.

I call 'em milk poppers.

It's just like breast milk, but it's fried.

And you just pop 'em in your mouth.

He loves 'em. Don't you, baby!

# Goo-goo, gah-gah #

# Gah-gah, gah-gah-gah-gah. #

I'm a smart shopper.

I got this entire outfit in an alleyway from a Mexico woman.

# Bargain #

# Shopping #

#Yeah. #

Why do y'all think I'm messed up?