Guest Artist

The only reason I'm here is because I

have contractual obligations.

You called me, Joseph.

You picked up the phone and you said,

"Save me. This time I mean it."

And what did I say to you.

"I dare you."

So what stopped you?

Well, the drinking's going well, I see.

I'm cutting back.

Yeah, so am I. Uh, boy!

You have a contract that pays actual money.

You are going to God knows where.

Michigan.

Wherever that is.

You will be adored, you'll be feted.

Who knows, you may even fall in love with some farm

boy and spend the rest of your

life writing children's books, hmm?

I hate children.

Well, it's not a prerequisite.

By the way, have you seen what's

passing for television these days?

I don't believe in television.

Who said you have to believe in it?

You don't want to do TV, fix screenplays.

No.

Uncredited.

Movies are bupkis.

I don't even know what that means.

I'm a playwright, Helen. I'm a playwright.

You're a dinosaur.

And looked what happened to them.

Little faster next time.

I'm afraid to ask, was there a

particular reason why you didn't send me your play?

It's not readable.

Joseph.

It's not.

Please, and tell me there's a play,

because I've already spent the commission.

There's a play.

Because the last time you told me what you

had wasn't readable-

There's a play.

You know, someday, I'm gonna look down at my phone and

it's going to say, "Joseph Harris is dead."

And I'm gonna cry, probably a lot. Not for what

you were, for what you could have been.

I have a deathly fear of flying.

Ah.

Come on, let's go.

Ah!

Uh hi, hello.

Uh, I'm Kenneth Waters, I'm the guy who's supposed to be here to

pick you up 45 minutes ago.

Uh sir, if I may, it's because of you that I've decided to live

my... uh, commit to... commit my life to the theatre.

Oh, sorry!

Oh God!

I wrote a couple of short plays

before, but they're only like 10 or 15 minutes long.

I got 1st place in like my high school's play jam.

Uh, there were only two entries, but I still won.

Don't talk. Don't talk, don't talk.

Oh no, if you open your mouth, you'll be stupid, just shut up.

Just let him talk, let him... just I'll take him...

take him to the hotel and it'll be fine.

You'll ride in the car with Joseph Harris.

Oh! Oh there! There's the station.

And here we go.

Here we go! Here we go!

What happened to the 565?

Lower your voice.

What happened to the 565?

Lower.

What happened to the 565?

Come and gone.

No. Yes.

Was it on time?

1:30.

Huh, I'm a dead man.

Nice knowin' ya.

Uh, did anyone get off? An older man?

Very distinguished looking?

Wait, wait, wait, I have a picture.

First drop off we've had in months.

The 565 never stops,

nor does the 283 or the 112.

The only train that stops is the 419, every mornin' at 5:45.

Here.

That's him.

Did he say where he was going?

To sleep.

Where? The hotel?

Hi, my name is Kenneth Waters.

I'm with the Lima Theater Company.

I'm here to take you to your hotel.

It's very nice.

It's right downtown, within walking distance of the theatre.

This feels like one of those

places you go only if you have to.

Does it feel that way to you, Walter?

Uh, Kenneth. No, not at all. In fact, I grew up here.

Escape.

As soon as we get you to your hotel,

I'll make a run for it, I promise.

Where's the person who was supposed to pick me up?

He was here.

Uh well, I just said "he".

I... I... I... I... I meant "me".

You were here.

Actually, technically...

Actually, technically, oh okay...

you weren't, because when I got off the train, I stood on the

platform with my suitcase,

waiting for someone to...

waiting for someone to pick me up, at the very least pick up my

s... s-suitcase.

And after waiting for what seemed like a very long

time, no one actually technically came, at which point

I actually technically made my way in here,

dragging my now

very heavy suitcase, sat down,

collapsing in this very spot and

yet still, no one, no one

from the Lima Bean Repertory...

Just Lima.

...Company came forward to collect me or my suitcase at

which point I fell asleep on

this sad excuse for a seating

device, thoroughly wrenching my back.

Here, let me get that for you.

No!

I'm sorry, I was just...

Don't apologize!

Oh.

You know any good jokes?

Jokes?

I need a laugh.

You're not serious.

I'm a playwright, I'm eternally serious.

I'm also important. Which is even worse.

Uh no, no, I don't.

Besides even if I did, I'm afraid I'm not

very good at telling them.

Hardly something to fear, go ask the masses.

The who?

The ones who don't go to the theatre anymore, because they're

too busy binge watching the Kardashians.

O'Neill was so lucky to have written when he did.

Look at him in there, huh.

Trapped inside his little box.

Of your own making, I might add!

Yeah, it's okay. It's okay, we're leaving.

Well, not until I hear a joke!

I'm a... I'm a very good laugher.

Producers count me into their Opening Nights and

seat me right behind the critics.

It never helps, but long as there's food, what do I care?

Well, you know who knows a lot of jokes?

Hmm?

Simon.

Neil?

John.

Simon John. Artistic Director of the Lima...

Oh, oh, oh, yes, yes!

Yes! Mr. John and I spoke over the phone.

I'm not sure you're aware, but the man was born

without a sense of humor which I didn't...

I didn't think was genetically possible until he

spent an hour and a half telling me about himself.

He can be very funny.

He's a bore. Why did the chicken cross the road?

What?

No, why.

I say, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

You say...

To get to the other side.

That's the punch line.

I know.

Well, you said you didn't know any jokes.

Everybody knows that one.

Ah, ah, you prove my point!

Granted, you cut directly to the pay off, but

then, that's what's wrong with your generation, isn't it?

It's all about the now, the being there,

not the getting there.

You have no use for the journey.

I have a joke.

Praise Jesus.

It's a theatre joke.

Are you implying that the theatre is a joke?

No, of course not. That's the last thing I would do.

Well, it is. Trust me, I've spent my life in it.

I don't believe that for a second.

Well, the sooner you do, the easier it'll be to

read your own reviews.

Is it funny?

This joke about the theatre?