Mr. North

"There was a table set out under a tree in the front of the house,

"and the March Hare and the Hatter were having tea at it.

"A dormouse was sitting between them fast asleep,

"and the other two were using it as a cushion,

"resting their elbows on it and talking over its head."

George, don't do that.

"'Very uncomfortable for the dormouse,' thought Alice."

"'Your hair wants cutting,' said the Hatter."

You skipped something, didn't you?

It never occurred to me that anyone was listening.

You're being paid to read to us, you know, not to skip.

"'You should learn not to make personal remarks,'

"Alice said with some severity. 'It's very rude.'"

George, please, don't do that.

Why is Lucifer making that noise?

He's practicing for school.

Tell me after you've swallowed.

He's practicing for his school band.

And, anyway, his name is Luther.

Is he the drummer?

He's trying out. He tried out last year and the year before that,

but they said he wasn't ready yet.

It does seem fiendishly complicated, doesn't it?

George.

My name's not George.

Well, what is it, then?

For me to know and you to find out.

Well, whatever it is, please don't stand on my foot.

That hurt.

Good.

"'Have you guessed the riddle yet?' the Hatter said,

"turning to Alice again.

"'No, I give it up,' Alice replied. 'What's the answer?'"

You're skipping again.

I beg your pardon?

You're skipping again.

I'm going to report you to Mama and see that she cuts your fee in half

because you're only reading half the book.

What's more, I'm gonna sic our dog on you when you leave

'cause he hates people on bicycles.

You're a hateful, ugly, horrible man.

You shouldn't be allowed.

You're quite right.

I shouldn't be allowed.

Ow! Nadia! Nadia, he kicked me!

Mama! Mama!

He hurt Nadia!

He's electric! He's electric!

What's going on here?

What...

Madam, may I suggest that you encourage your children

to play with matches.

Mama, he kicked Joseph.

He wasn't even reading the book right.

He's not doing his job.

He shocked me.

He shocked you?

Yes?

Good morning. I'm Theophilus North.

Mrs. Baily-Lewis is expecting me.

In general, sir, this door is not used in the morning.

You'll find the garden door

around the corner of the house to your left.

Please tell Mrs. Baily-Lewis I'm here.

Our appointment was for 10:00.

It's exactly that hour now.

I repeat, sir, this door is not generally used at this hour.

Kindly take your bicycle around to...

Did you hear what I said?

Oh.

Ah, there we go.

Could you take those? Thank you so much.

Are you deaf or insane or both?

I distinctly told you to go around to the garden door.

Get back to work! All of you! At once!

Jenkins, there's silver to polish.

Margaret, tend to the flowers.

And, Sally, will you stop that giggling?

Get out of here.

Take your rubbish and go...

Who is this person, Willis?

Theophilus North, madam.

I am Sarah Baily-Lewis.

It's all right, Willis.

I was expecting Mr. North.

Thank you, madam.

This does not concern you,

Persis Bosworth-Tennyson.

This does not concern any of you.

You, too, Dora.

Get back to your chores.

Yes, ma'am, but it's not Dora. It's Sarah, same as you.

Sarah, same as me. You impudent child.

You are not the same as me, and don't ever forget it.

Try to rise above your station in this house, missy,

and you'll find yourself back in the Ould Sod, emptying chamber pots

and doing twice the amount of work

for a quarter of the amount you get paid here.

This way, Mr. North.

Take a seat, please, Mr. North.

Thank you, but I prefer to stand.

Just as you wish.

Good morning, Sarah.

Good morning, Dr. McPherson.

And how's my father today?

As well as can be expected, Sarah.

I hope he's not losing any ground.

No, no, he's holding his own.

We're holding his own, Angus.

Oh, yes, of course. My medicine and your tender loving care.

You'll look in tomorrow?

Yes, of course, Sarah.

Good morning.

Good morning, Dr. McPherson.

Mr. North?

Yes, ma'am.

As I told you on the telephone, I wish you to read to my father.

Yes, ma'am.

My father is 71 years old.

He needs the solace of hearing the good book.

He is a very sick man, Mr. North.

I see.

Your advertisement said you charge $2 an hour.

That's correct.

How long would it take?

King James version?

Of course.

Let's see. It's about 1,200 pages.

I'd say 80 hours.

That would be $160.

Yes, ma'am.

It's an exorbitant price, Mr. North.

Perhaps you could find your way clear to a more reasonable figure.

Let's see. I could read the Old Testament in Hebrew.

Think of it. Your father would be hearing God's words

as he dictated them to Moses and the prophets.

My father doesn't understand a word of Hebrew.

What does it matter?

The point is there are no vowels in Hebrew.

It would reduce my reading time by perhaps as much as seven hours.

Mr. North...

That's not good enough?

Let me add another incentive.

With your agreement, I'll throw in the New Testament in Greek.

Throw in?

Yes, it would reduce my price by another $20.

Mr. North, you're being absurd.

Not at all, madam.

You gave me to understand

that your interest was in speed, not intelligibility,

in which case I'll tell you what else I can do.

I'm gonna read the Sermon on the Mount

in exactly 4 minutes and 51 seconds.

Now, if I go one second over that mark,

I will absolutely, positively knock another $5 off this rock-bottom price.

This is blasphemy, Mr. North.

I think you'd better leave this house at once.

Shall we say an even $130? No questions asked.

Mr. North... You'd better go, Mr. North.

Kindly leave this house at once, Mr. North!

Sarah, send that young man in here now.

Yes, Father.

Good morning.

Come in. Come in.

I'm James McHenry Bosworth.

Theophilus North, sir.

Sarah wants to save my soul.

She thinks I'm an infidel

because I won't go to church

and listen to some nincompoop flannel on

about what's sinful and what isn't.

The fact is, she's waiting,

hoping that I'll kick the bucket so that she can inherit.

But reading the bible to me at cut rates tells the whole story.

Now, all this is strictly confidential, of course.

Of course.Please.

You don't look like a man who's read the bible in the original Hebrew.

I haven't.

You lied.

Admittedly,

but I can read you Plotinus in Latin,

Descartes in French, Schopenhauer in German.

But no Hebrew. No.

Greek? No.

It's just as well. I wouldn't be able to understand you anyway.

Who are you, Theophilus North?

What do you mean, sir?

Where do you come from?

I grew up in the Midwest, sir.

My father owns and edits a newspaper in Madison, Wisconsin.

A Yale man, huh?

Yes.

I'm Harvard, class of '76, myself.

Go on.

After college, I spent four and a half uneventful years

teaching at a boys' school.

The sameness of it all, the safety,

began to feel like a prison, so I left.

Now you want to experience life.

I want to be a free man.