Cougar Town

Just a heads-up--

starting tomorrow, my bar will be closed for a week.

Did someone finally get sick from eating the food?

Or is it smelling the food?

I think the smell is worse than the taste.

My bar is clean, okay?

This is just some routine maintenance.

The place is crawling with bugs.

It's just some termites.

Jules, seriously? I told you that in confidence.

Are you sure you didn't tell me with confidence?

"I have termites."

Have I ever said anything to you in secret

that you didn't immediately tell everyone?

Hmm? I think I have my answer. Thanks.

Oh, well, you're welcome, babe.

If bug boy's bar is gonna get circus-tented,

who's gonna pour our drinks?

Hey, guys.

Tom...

hold and pour.

Mm.

You know it's 9:00 AM, right?

Already? Oh.

_

Why does Grayson have a picture of P!nk on his bathroom mirror?

- 'Cause he's trying to get her abs. - Mm.

Were you snooping up there?

- That's preposterous. - You were.

You only talk like the queen when you're hiding something.

- Beg pardon, milady? - Mm.

Hey, guys.

Wow. Jelly, you look ridiculous.

Is this a gift for me? I love it.

No, it was a gift for me from my Uncle Doug,

whose passion for fine women's clothing

made him an expert tailor-- and also ruined his marriage.

Jules, my giant thing of sprinkles

is missing from my shop again. Did you take it?

I beg your pardon, milady?

Sorry.

Sometimes I like to pour it in my wine

and pretend it's my birthday.

Look at you, Jelly.

Wardrobe-matched baby on one arm,

big tub of sprinkles in the other.

You look white trash enough to be Kid Rock's mom.

I don't even wanna tell you

how many ways that is super disturbing.

So why were you snooping anyway?

Are you eating sprinkles and wine

like some sort of new hobo cereal?

- Want some? - What I wanna know

is why Grayson has been leaving

at 9:00 AM every day this week

with no mention of where he's going,

carrying a weird duffel bag,

and then returning three hours later

looking strangely happy.

How have I not noticed that?

Who can know, really?

But it's been three hours. Take note.

Hey, guys. Great day, huh?

That is strange.

You ever think there's a termite that's like,

"Guys, why are we eating wood? Wood sucks.

Let's eat food."

Are you working on your stand-up act?

Nah. Just chitchattin'.

Unless that was gold. Was that gold? I think that was gold.

Fellas! Just got a belated baby present.

A few of the old co-workers from Coffee Bucks chipped in,

- got me this gift card. - Oh, that was generous,

considering you were lazy, obnoxious,

and your coffee drinks tasted like roast dirt.

- Yeah, but they never had bugs. - Dude, that is low.

This is not a gift card. It's a bank card.

You can use this anywhere.

For $300! Wow!

- Yeah, Laurie's gonna be stoked. - W-- Trav.

Your old co-workers just gave you a $300 gift

that Laurie doesn't know about,

has no way of ever hearing about,

and you're house gonna hand it over to her

for diapers and butt wipes?

Seems to me that you're the butt wipe.

Once again, it's time for me to take you by the hand

- and guide you to the ways of-- - Don't hold my hand.

No one ever wants to hold hands around here!

Hey, is Jules here? I'm missing a bag of frosting.

I'm sure she's enjoying a big glass of frosting wine.

Are you seriously dressed alike again?

Well, when we saw

how much you enjoyed our outfits the other day,

I went out and bought, like, 50 more.

Baby B and I are gonna be all match, all the time.

We're even wearing the same unisex cologne--

"Both" by Bruce Jenner.

You can't decorate your child to match you.

It's a baby, not an accessory.

Or is it both?

You think you're being super clever?

- You're being super annoying. - Or--

- Don't! - Am I?

Stop it.

Both.

I...

Trav, in every happy relationship,

there is one common element--

a woman who gets what she wants when she wants it

all the time without exception.

Well, that doesn't sound happy to me.

Well, that's because you're young and stupid,

but I'm here to help.

In every relationship disagreement,

there are two possible outcomes.

One-- the woman wins, and there's harmony.

Two-- the man wins, and there appears to be harmony,

but in reality, the woman secretly resents that win.

Then I saw the light--

everything's better when the woman always wins.

- So the man never wins? - Well, he can win,

but he has to do it in the shadows

with silent victories.

Secret treats.

I love marshmallows,

but Ellie won't let me have them.

So what do I do?

Fine. What do you do?

I keep secret marshmallow stashes--

in my house, in my car, all over town.

Always close enough to grab whenever I want one.

Right now you could just reach out and...

That's harmony-- a woman who always wins

and a man who doesn't mind because he has...

...secret treats.

Okay, you don't have to keep whispering it.

I know. I like to.

There must be something you want,

something she doesn't want you to have.

Go get it. She won't know. Everyone wins.

You did it!

I've wanted this for months, but Laurie hates video games.

Come on! Let's go to your house and play.

My house? Are you crazy? Ellie can't see me playing this.

We can't play at my house.

So I just indirectly lied to Laurie

and blew my gift card on a treat I can't enjoy?

Well, see ya.

- Hey, babe. - Hi. Where you been?

Oh, just out running some errands, met the exterminators.

Boring stuff. Hmm.

Right on time.

Yeah, and he's all happy and smiley.

It's not like him.

It's all a bit strange.

I-I need to prep.

I got totally slammed by the happy hour rush yesterday.

All right, when he comes back down,

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

My husband! Yay!

My wife! Cool!

Hey, I have to run to the bar for a few things

before they fumigate.

I'll be back in a bit. Love you.

Uh, hey, babe?

You know, when you've been coming home

from your daily errands, you seem really happy.

Of course I'm happy. I'm married to you.

Aw.

Dang it! He threw me off the trail.

World's worst detective.

Fortunately, you have me.

Ellie, what are you doing?

- W-- - No, no, no. We can't.

Yes, I am dying to know what's in that bag,

but it is more important for me to trust my husband

and respect his boundaries.

Are you sure about that?

Look down.

Aw, hands.

What are you doing?!

- Ellie, I'm not gonna go through Grayson's bag. - Again, hands.

Uh, seriously, they just do whatever they want.

Gold chain.

Black gloves.

Weird paper in the shape of money.

I thought there'd be some gay stag film he did in college,

or... a gun.

This is boring.

At least none of these are weird sex things.

- Uh, two of them can be. - Which one?

No, I don't wanna know.

The fedora, right?

If you really wanna know what he's doing...

1100 Ocean Street.

6:00 PM.

Bingo. Case closed.

Actually, it-- it's not. It's very open.

That's what I meant. Case wide open.