100 Girls

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TRIMARK HOME VIDEO

* IF I EVER THOUGHT

* I CAN TRACE IT BACK TO YOU *

* IF I GO OUTSIDE

* I'M JUST TRYIN' TO FIND YOU *

* IT'S JUST A DREAM I'M IN *

* JUST TO GET TO TOUCH YOUR SKIN *

* IT'S JUST A DREAM I'M IN *

* TRYIN' TO GET YOUR ATTENTION *

* GO TO MY SCREEN

* ZOOM INTO ME

* WROTE A POEM JUST FOR YOU *

* WON'T RHYME UNTIL YOU'RE MINE *

* IT'S JUST A DREAM I'M IN *

* JUST TO GET TO TOUCH YOUR SKIN *

* IT'S JUST A DREAM I'M IN *

* JUST TO GET YOUR ATTENTION... *

Matt: 100 GIRLS...

AND ONE OF THEM IS MY TRUE LOVE.

MY FOREVER SOUL MATE...

THE BETTY TO MY BARNEY...

MY KISMETIC DESTINY.

THE PROBLEM IS...

I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS.

I WAS LEAVING A HIGH BALL BASH

IN THE GIRLS' DORM.

Girl: CAN YOU HIT THE BASEMENT BUTTON, PLEASE?

Matt: MY BACK WAS TO HER

WHEN THAT AUSPICIOUS BLACKOUT HIT.

I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO SEE HER.

Matt: IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE CLOAK OF DARKNESS

CONCEALING MY USUAL ROMANTIC RETARDATION,

BECAUSE THAT NIGHT... I WAS SMART,

I WAS FUNNY, I WAS INVINCIBLE.

Matt: DID YOU EVER NOTICE IN THAT MOVIE

WILLIE WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

THAT THE OOMPA LOOMPAS NEVER WORE HAIR NETS?

Girl: YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY HATE?

THOSE STICKERS THEY STARTED PUTTING ON APPLES.

BY THE TIME YOU PEEL IT OFF,

YOU DON'T WANT THE APPLE ANYMORE.

I SOMETIMES WISH

I COULD JUST CURL UP WITH A GIRL,

JUST HOLD EACH OTHER,

LIKE THAT PICTURE OF JOHN LENNON

AND YOKO ONO.

THAT IS SO SWEET.

Matt, Narrating: AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.

OUR TONGUES TANGOED...

AND OUR HANDS BEGAN DISPLAYING

THEIR INCREDIBLE NIGHT VISION.

HER LITTLE BREASTS WERE JUST THE RIGHT SIZE

TO FILL A CHAMPAGNE GLASS.

Matt: MY IMPRESSIVE MANHOOD IN MY PANTS

EXPANDED LIKE JIFFY POP POPCORN.

Matt: WE NEVER KNEW EACH OTHER'S NAMES.

MAYBE IT WAS THE MYSTERY OF IT ALL

THAT MADE IT SO EXCITING.

Matt: IN THE MORNING...

SHE WAS GONE.

I HAD TO FIND HER.

I DIDN'T GET MUCH SUPPORT FROM MY ROOMMATE, ROD.

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING SO BENT OUT OF SHAPE FOR, MAN?

I MEAN...

SHE'S JUST A GIRL.

I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED YOU TO SAY THAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I MEAN, YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY

WHO LIKES THOSE SILHOUETTES

OF NAKED WOMEN ON THE MUD FLAPS OF TRUCKS.

YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES WHILE WATCHING

A PORN MOVIE ON THE PICTURE-IN-PICTURE.

YOU REVEL IN THE SIZE OF YOUR DUMPS.

HEY, MATT! HEH HEH HEH.

YOU GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT.

YEAH, I DO DO ALL THOSE THINGS.

THIS ISN'T JUST ANOTHER GIRL, ROD.

I MEAN, I CONNECTED WITH HER.

BEFORE THIS, THE LAST INTIMATE ENCOUNTER

I HAD WITH A WOMAN

WAS WHEN I WAS 5 YEARS OLD IN A SANDBOX.

I PULLED DOWN MY PANTS

AND HAD VICKI POUR SAND ON MY WINKIE.

AT LEAST IT'S BETTER

THAN PLAYING WITH YOUR SHOVEL, MAN.

EVER SINCE THEN, I'VE HAD THIS BURNING NEED

FOR A WOMAN. I MEAN, WHEN I WAS 10 YEARS OLD,

I LIKED GETTING A BONER SO MUCH,

I STUCK MASKING TAPE ON MY PECKER

SO THAT IT WOULD STAY UP ALL THE TIME.

I DID THE SAME THING, BUT I USED DUCT TAPE, MAN.

SHUT UP, ALL RIGHT? I'M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT HERE.

I'VE NEVER HAD THIS KIND OF SUCCESS WITH A WOMAN BEFORE.

WHEN I WAS 16, I TRIED TALKING TO GIRLS.

I MEAN, I HAD TO WRITE MYSELF

CHEAT NOTES ON MY HAND SO I HAD A LIST OF TOPICS

OF THINGS I COULD TALK TO THE GIRLS ABOUT.

Girl: WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR HAND?

Matthew: NOTHING.

MY ROMANTIC I.Q. MUST MATCH MY UNDERWEAR SIZE,

BECAUSE I ACTUALLY SHOWED THE GIRL MY LIST.

IT'S A LIST OF THINGS I COULD TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

AND I THOUGHT I WAS THE BIGGEST LOSER OF ALL TIME.

YEAH, IT WASN'T AS BAD AS SENIOR PROM,

WHEN I SPENT $150 ON EMILY,

AND DIDN'T EVEN GET A KISS GOOD NIGHT.

SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW IMPASSIONED I FEEL NOW

THAT I'VE ACTUALLY MET THIS GIRL.

YOU'RE PATHETIC, MAN.

I MEAN, YOU LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY,

AND YOU DON'T EVEN GET THE GIRL'S NAME.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

IT'S PENILE POWER, MAN.

I MEAN, I GOT IT OUT OF AN AD

IN A MAGAZINE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S GONNA HELP ME INCREASE MY LENGTH AND GIRTH

ALL JUST BY HANGING WEIGHTS FROM MY COCK, MAN.

CHECK IT OUT, MAN. I'M UP TO 5 POUNDS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S THE STROKER, NOT THE POKER, ROD.

HEY, MAN, I'M DOING THIS FOR ME,

AND LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, YOU KNOW,

THE ANGLE OF THE DANGLE

EQUALS THE CUBIC OF THE PUBIC.

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST LIKE TO SAY IT, YOU KNOW?

BUT CHECK IT OUT. THIS PENILE POWER THING?

IT'S GONNA HELP ME, YOU KNOW,

INCREASE MY LIBIDO,

HELP ME MAINTAIN A FULL, FIRM ERECTION,

AND IT'S GONNA HELP ME CONTROL

MY EJACULATION, BABY.

SO I'M GONNA BE DOIN' IT ALL NIGHT LONG.

AND WHEN DO YOU START JUNIOR HIGH?

NO, NO, MAN. LOOK, I'M SERIOUS, IT WORKS.

CHECK THIS OUT. THIS IS KUNG CHANG, RIGHT?

MASTER OF PENILE POWER.

I MEAN, LOOK IT, RIGHT THERE.

HE'S LIFTING 500 POUNDS WITH HIS PENIS, MAN.

GREAT, THAT'S USEFUL. WHAT, IS HE GONNA ENTER HIMSELF

IN A TRACTOR PULL?

WHATEVER, MAN.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT THIS GIRL, HUH?

UH....

OH, YOU KNOW, SHE LEFT THESE.

OH, HEY, MAN. LET ME SEE THAT.

NO...

I DON'T RECOGNIZE THIS ONE.

HEY, GIVE 'EM BACK.

WHOO!

I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, MAN?

YOU GONNA BOIL 'EM TO MAKE SOUP OR SOMETHING?

I MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT A GIRLFRIEND. JESUS.

YOU KNOW, AND THEN THERE'S THE OTHER THING.

YOU'LL BE SPENDING EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT

OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WATCHING, YOU KNOW,

MOVIES THAT ARE ADAPTED FROM THE LATEST JANE AUSTEN BOOK.

YOU DON'T WANT THAT, MAN.

THAT'S PRETTY COLD, ROD.

LISTEN, MAN. WHEN IT COMES TO MEN AND WOMEN,

MEN GET A RAW DEAL, YOU KNOW?

FOR CENTURIES, WE'VE BEEN KEELING OVER

10 OR 15 YEARS BEFORE OUR WIVES,

AND ALL BECAUSE OF ALL THE STRESS WE INCUR

IN THE WORKPLACE, RIGHT?

BUT NOT ONCE HAVE THEY APOLOGIZED, MAN,

FOR ALL THE MILLIONS OF YEARS OF LIFE WE'VE LOST

FOR WORKING WHILE WOMEN STAYED HOME.

Matthew, narrating: I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND

WHY ROD HATED WOMEN SO MUCH.

I SUSPECTED THAT THERE WAS SOME GREAT HORROR

IN ROD'S PAST THAT MADE HIM THIS WAY.

YOU KNOW, MAN, ALLS YOU GOTTA DO

IS FIND THE MATCHING BRA TO THOSE PANTIES AND...

BAM! MYSTERY SOLVED.

THAT'S NOT A HALF-BAD IDEA.

YEAH. HEH.

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET INTO THAT VIRGIN VAULT, MAN.

THEY DON'T LET BOYS IN THE GIRLS' SIDE, ALL RIGHT?

NO, THIS'LL WORK.

YOU'RE HIGH, MAN.

ON MY OWN TESTOSTERONE, MAYBE.

HEY, COME WITH ME, ALL RIGHT?

HEY...

WHOA...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

LOOK, ROD, I FOCUSED ALL MY GREAT CEREBRAL POWERS

TO COME UP WITH THIS BOLD PLAN

TO PENETRATE THE VAULT, OK?

WHAT ARE YOU, WILE E. COYOTE,

SUPER GENIUS, OR SOMETHING?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WAIT, THE COYOTE NEVER CAUGHT THE ROADRUNNER, MAN.

AAH!

AAH!

MMM...

MMM...

TAKE THAT!

GOTCHA.

HI, I'M MATT, THE NEW WORK STUDY MAINTENANCE MAN.

UM, I GOT A CALL ABOUT SOME RATS?