Hunderby - First Season

Oh, Geoff.

Here we are.

Ooh!

What a pleasant little chamber!

I confess, I've never in my life been up here.

Oh, I should much prefer to stay in my own room.

Your lab our agonies would disturb Master Edmund.

Mmm.

But I'm not due for some 12 weeks.

What is that?

Most likely moths, ma'am, preparing their supper. (CHUCKLES)

Do hope you will not take offence at every little sound, ma'am. (CHUCKLES)

Or perhaps you would have me personally silence every insect in the land?

Could perhaps do with a clean. Shall we throw out these rags?

Tis a bonnet I knitted for the newborn, sir.

A bonnet? But it would cover the face!

No one wants to look at a newborn, sir, except perhaps the mother and...

Often she would rather eat it.

My old rompy for bab to do his stretches.

And I have knitted baby a... a riding suit.

Will it be riding straight away?

All being well, sir.

Oh!

Tis just like old times, sir.

Just yourself and myself.

And should, God forbid, Mistress Helene pass away during childbirth,

I would be willing to bring baby up as my own.

Is she likely to perish?

Sometimes when a woman tears,

it does not stop at the belly and splits right up to the face until she...

breaks in two like a ladybird.

Oh, goodness!

-Bubbly milk top-up, sir? -Yes, please.

You may recall, sir, your mother's will stated that, um,

Mistress Helene birth a child within the year.

And that date is nigh, she's but six months gone.

What of it?

Well, it would seem Mistress Helene might be best off birthing early, sir.

Well, let us pray for such a timely deliverance.

-Or... encourage it. (CHUCKLES) -Hmm.

There are ways of persuading the womb to splay, sir.

Please.

Spare me the details of my wife's glossy prolapses.

Hmm.

Good God. God!

Geoff?

Oh.

"Dear Brother Edmund, holy greetings from the tropics.

"Please accept my gift, a small token of Fijian friendship.

"He answers to Ned." Ned?

"Perhaps he will fill the void left by Geoff's...

"...sudden execution. Warmest regards, Brother Joseph."

Oh.

-Graham, I... -Ah! Yes, I... I was just mopping...

the bureau. I... I spilled some juice.

Are you mopping with my bockers or sniffing them?

Yes, sorry, I wondered whether they

needed a wash. (INHALES)

Oh, God.

These are Mistress Helene's!

Are they? Really?

Goodness! Well, they must have fallen into my case when last I...

examined her. How careless, I shall return them at once.

That will not be possible.

No. Of course. For she has gone to Fiji.

No. No.

By all accounts Mistress Helene has let herself go of late

and she is now too fat to travel.

-Too fat to travel? -Or receive visitors.

Too fat to receive visitors?

Graham, please.

Throw them on the fire.

You want me to...

toss the bockers?

Yes.

Fennel, there we are.

-Have you the anus funnel? -Oh, yes.

-Lovely. -I brought my own big one.

Oh! Oh, that needs a wipe.

And thread and needle for sewing up her torn nethers.

Hmm.

My girls always seem to split from belly to back

-when I force them out early. -Hmm.

-Probably best off cutting her first. -Oh, yes, yes.

# A boom, babby-babby boom-babby He's broken your keg

# A boom, babby-babby boom-babby His face 'tween your legs #

Now,

this binding will prevent you from

punching baby in the face when he first appears.

But I would not...

Once taken, this draught will push babby out in a day or so.

No, please, I beg you. Tis not time.

Sometimes nature needs a helping hand, mistress.

-No, please. -Yes. Drink up, mistress.

-No. Please. No. (SCREAMS) -Drink up now. Drink up.

Good girl. That's it.

Very good. Very good.

Ooh!

Excuse me.

Dinner is most tardy tonight.

Thursday's partridge. Crispy potties.

You like that... sort of thing?

Crispy?

They won't burn, Graham!

-Why won't they burn? -Hush-ho, wife.

Hush-a-hey-ho.

Oh, Hesther.

Forgive me!

Forgive me!

I make unto you a new and heartfelt vow to be a most pure and devoted husband.

-Oh, Graham. -I was a blind fool! (CRYING)

Stumbling through the darkness.

But like a finger of sun doth your love poke my fog.

And now I do see anew.

Oh, Hesther.

Let us begin again.

Oh, Graham.

-I love thee. -And I...

Sorry, sir. But Mistress Helene...

She's having your baby, sir.

Well, I've never seen that happen before.

Oh, she's foaming, Biddy.

I can only think I overdone the wormwood.

-Well, can it be undone? -Uh, not really, no.

Dorothy?

-Ah, you are here! -Yes [sir.

-Is there something you required, sir? -Well, yes, my dinner.

-At what time exactly will it be served? -Um [8:00 [sir.

It's a quarter after. My stomach is growling like a bassoon.

-Is it partridge and potties? -Yes [sir.

It is partridge... Do we have any coconuts, please?

I think not, sir.

Is that my wife, Dorothy?

Uh, yes, we are just now engaged in delivering the child, sir.

Indeed.

Should the mother not be rather more awake?

She preferred to sleep through it, sir.

She appears to be bubbling.

Tis just the birthing foam.

As the womb explodes, it sends forth a juice that, um,