My Year of Dicks

This is a story from the year I was determined to lose my virginity.

Also known as "My Year of Dicks."

Watch me right here!

Dear David, the skater I know from riding the bus.

As I watch you fall, all I can only think about how much I'm falling for you.

Over and over your bones seem to yearn for freedom

the way mine aches for your embrace.

- He's such a doof! - He's not a doof!

You know I can do this!

I love how you file your nails into sharp points.

Those tiny daggers of want!

My friend Karina told me that you told her

you did it so you could warn everyone you were a vampire.

I need no such warning.

In fact, I find this irresistible,

as I am searching for the one who will take my first blood,

inhale my innocence.

Perhaps it will be you, immortal stranger.

Are you okay?

Yes, I like it when it bleeds.

That's cool.

I'm gonna teach you how to Ollie.

Get on.

Don't be afraid, just tilt your body like this...

I am aflutter with the memories we're making at this juncture.

Our bodies touching, moving, turning potential energy into...

- She actually knows how to Ollie... - I'm fine, Sam!

Hey, aren't your parents out of town?

Yeah, how'd you know?

I'd like to make sure you won't be alone tonight.

Oh I'm not, my little sister is there, you know?

I'm watching her, so I'm not alone, don't worry...

oh fuck, you mean... you...

Shit, that's some easy fucking money!

Perfect.

I can come in?

Can I go to your room?

Your parents are awesome!

They don't even hide their booze!

Theres also Tom Collins mix.

This will work!

Oh? My ex-boyfriend is here.

No

My dearest Clinton...

I hope it is not taxing on your heart to watch me take a new lover

so soon after our entanglement at first base.

We are young, but the cruelty of time dictates I must move on,

until I find a sensual gardener who will clip my virginal roots,

and let me soar into womanhood.

But remember, you broke up with me!

It was beyond my control.

Let's go exploring!

What's up! My mom has this carpet!

Right.

Fuck this!

I need to tell you something before we keep going.

- I'm a virgin. - That's okay...

And... I'm on my period.

Are you mad at me?

Hey. Did you make out with him just now? Is that where you all went?

Why? Are you jealous?

No! Made him win, five to four!

Wait, maybe I can say you don't count because we both told you!

That would make it...

Fuck, now he's four to three!

- Thanks a lot, slut. - How much did he win?

Two dollars and 58 cents.

It's a stupid fucking contest.

How'd those girls find out?

He made out with them too.

Dumbass put the exact same apology

They're best friends!

God, what an idiot!

Isn't it worse that it was a bet?

No, Sam, it's worse that I didn't get a letter.

Can I borrow five dollars and sixteen cents?

I'm worth double, bitch!

This is a story of the year I tried to lose my virginity.

Also known as "My Year of Dicks."

My God...

- Go to bed. - Okay.

And whatever you're watching... Cut it out.

- It's an art film. - Yeah.

- Did you ask her about the tape? - No.

Good evening my love.

I am Pamela.

I'm sorry.

I am only Latin too,

Ergo, I am not... How do you say fluent in French?

But I am determined to speak French.

Why, I love you Wally.

Even though I've only seen him once in real life

and I heard it once on the phone with my friend.

Yes, Pamela!

A petite messy hair when its see.

An object of obsession!

Your focus on my pleasure is the most superb!

- Yes. - Yes yes!

We'll meet at the cinema, at your place of business.

Pure chance that your lips find my flesh in the world of...

Hey!

Where is "Cool as Ice"? Where is it?

the only reason why I came here was to talk shit about "Cool as Ice" after it was over.

Okay, Wally said "House Party 2", I fucked up.

But he said we could come, right?

He told you to bring us.

Yes, he can get us into any movie after it started.

Two! He can get us into two movies after the movie started.

Because this bullshit theater only plays two movies.

- We can see the other. - I've seen it.

I'm cultured, Pam.

Hello, my little darling.

Thanks.

...in chemistry I'm trying to improve, and failing.

Dear first penis ever in my hand,

This was unexpected, I...

You feel unlike anything I thought you would,

you feel inhuman, plastic, like you're made of doll parts.

I can't see you, and I do not want to.

How am I supposed to like this?

- What do I even do now? -Put it in his mouth.

- My God! - What do I do?

- Put it in your mouth! - I don't know!

No, if I do this, I will die here!

Don't die, I will die if you die!

- I don't... - Okay.

Why doesn't it feel right?

What am I not to you that I can be?

You are so lucky! - I know.

Yes! - How can you say that?

- She's looking for love! - No, love is useless!

Invisible, but sex is sticky, dirty, needy!

Remember it's the sex that you're after, Pamela.

- You can say no! - Tell him no, he will only want you more.

But is it me he's wanting?

Come on, my break is almost over, can you just let me do this?

- Do what? - Fuck you.

No? - What's the problem?

What's wrong with the touch of a stranger?

- She's a virgin. - She needs to get over it.

- She needs to push past this asshole! - Why won't he look at me?

Because he's not me, Pam!

You are me! Raise!

Get up and run, now!

Fuckin' prude!

Where were you?

Uhh... I got lost.

This place sucks.

- What? Sam? - Oh my God, what the fuck?

Clean up your fucking mess, dude!

Sorry!

Goodbye, fool!

Do you know how I felt back there?

Cool as ice!

Get it? Like the movie we're trying to see,

but failed cuz' this movie theater fucking sucks!

Hey, I'm Pam, I'm fifteen, trying to lose my virginity.

Anyway, here's "My Year of Dicks."

I have always wanted to be the kind of couple

who touches each other even when it's too hot to be alive.

And now, that's my real life!

Thanks to you, sweet Robert!

The boy who really loves to hold my hand.

Like, all the time!

I've never felt so cute in all my...

Fuck, it's hot as balls out here!

Yeah, It's Houston, it's summer.

Hey, is it cool if I sit with you this time?

The last dude I was stuck with was a screamer.

I scream...

Yeah... But you I can tell you to shut up.

- Shut up! - Okay.

What are we doing?

Are we shoving Sam?

I don't need to know why, I'll shove Sam all day.

Shit!

Guys, I'm having the best day ever...

Woo! Yes!

Hey, it's not my fault!

Hey! Get off me!

What are you doing over here? I couldn't find you.

I gotta call my mom and tell her what time to pick us up.

Not yet, okay? Let's stay until dark.

- Birds are stupid. - No they're not, Sam.

Most birds mate for life.

Their relationships matter to them.

Like, how nobody believes that Big Bird's best friend, Mr. Snuffleupagus

actually existed, but he knew he was real. He never doubted!