Scorned

Morning, Kevin.

Who do you love?

What are you doing?

I'm loving you the way you love me.

What do you mean?

Gave you a little bit of meds while...

Ow. Ow.

...you were sleeping.

That'll keep you calm and cooperative

and a little loopy.

Don't worry about that.

What, is this the fourth one?

You know, I didn't want to put your cell phone in the dryer.

You text a lot, but you really should use

your delete key a little more often.

All right, give me that. What are you--

You want to tell me something? What's that?

What are you-- okay.

That's--

okay, this is cute.

Um...

that's my phone.

- Okay. - Uh-huh.

You...

are a cheater.

I got you.

What's this say?

"I'm going 2 tell Sadie it's over this weekend."

When were you going to tell me, honey?

When were you going to tell me it's over?

After we were making love a million times?

After I sucked your dick?

- Whoa, shush, shush. All right. - What part of this weekend--

what part of this weekend were you going to tell me?

Um...

I know, okay?

I made some texts,

and they're fucking stupid texts.

Yeah, they're stupid. Here's one stupid text for you now.

That's a dumb thing to fucking do.

I'm going to read this to you real quick.

Last Friday, you text,

- "I miss your magic pussy." - You got to...

What's magic about it, honey?

Does she pull rabbits out of it?

What the fuck happened to my head?

You scorned me, Kevin.

Oh, baby, I'm-- I'm sorry.

- You took my heart... - I'm really sorry.

...and you--

- you broke my heart. - I'm sorry.

And you did it with my best friend Jennifer!

I'm sorry, baby.

Thank you, handsome.

That's, like, the second drink he's given you on the house.

Well, when you got it, you got it.

Let the bartender know I'm the one without the boyfriend.

Yes, well, I'll be without a boyfriend

after this weekend.

He'll be my fiancé.

Really?

L-- I just don't see Kevin as the marrying type.

Yeah, well, clearly you've never slept with me, honey.

No, but really, I have this gut feeling

that Kevin picked this weekend

and planned it all out to propose to me.

Sadie, I...

You guys have been together for, what,

less than six months?

You really think you know him that well?

Oh, I knew I wanted to marry Kevin after our first date.

He's the one.

When you meet the love of your life,

you'll just know.

I guess.

Listen, Sadie, I really like Kevin.

I do,

but you guys fight an awful lot.

I think...

- ( whimpers ) - ...your mommy is jealous.

I think you have a massive crush on me,

you want me to marry you,

but unfortunately neither of us are gay.

Oh.

Jen, you're my best friend.

I love you so much.

And if--

when I get married...

I want you to be my maid of honor.

Sadie: Baby, I love that you're rich.

Kevin: Aww. I love that you're deep.

Sadie: So you don't love me for my mind?

Kevin: The crazy part, yeah.

Well, you're in luck,

'cause I feel like getting crazy this weekend.

Kevin: Well, don't get too crazy there, Sadie.

I'll have to lock you up in that prison.

Sadie: Ugh. I hate passing that place.

Always creeps me out.

Kevin: I promise to visit you every Sunday.

Sadie: Baby, I love this place.

- We need to stay here till Christmas. - Kevin: Christmas?

Let's just try to make it through the weekend.

Kevin, you know I love you,

not just for your money.

Mostly for your gorgeous hair.

- ( Chuckles ) - ( thunder rumbles )

Looks like a storm's rolling in.

That's going to be so romantic.

Oh, God. You're going to get cancer.

- I don't inhale. - ( scoffs )

Besides, they're not as bad as cigarettes.

These never bothered you when we first started going out.

You clearly haven't learned

that girls put up with a lot of things

before they lock you in.

I'm your girlfriend now.

Things change, you know.

- I choose to defy you. -( laughs )

Does that turn you on?

No.

But...

this does.

I have a feeling this is going to be a whiskey weekend.

You know what I mean?

Capital idea.

Mm-hmm.

Now, I bet you...

want to fuck me right now.

Wait. You're right.

You're going to have to catch me first.

- Ow. -( laughing )

Come on, old man.

This is good for me,

'cause I want to do the lronman next year...

- Come on! - ...and this kind of cardio

is exactly what I need.

Trying to kill me.

Whoo!

- All righty. - I win.

I guess since you won,

you qualify for the victory swim.

No!

Come and get it!

-( laughing ) - What's this?

Kevin, do you love me?

Of course I love you.

Even though I'm crazy?

I love you 'cause you're crazy.

I think we should get out.

- No, no, I don't care. - ( thunder crashes )

I don't care.

If lightning strikes us right now,

it'd be God's way of keeping us together for eternity.

Let's live a little longer, shall we?

You know what you get, don't you?

What?

What?