Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp

- -

No.

Yeah!

No, he's not.

Whoo!

No, it's okay. It's okay. Let it out.

As my great-grandfather said back in 1947

when we first opened,

Camp Firewood is more than just a summer camp.

Camp Firewood is an idea.

A promise.

A way of life.

"A promise, a way of life..." I covered that.

All right, I just wanted to have a quick meeting with the junior staff

before the buses get here.

All right, some of you were campers here last year.

- - But now, you're all 16 or 17 years old.

So do not think that being a counselor

means that you are campers with drinking privileges.

Mitch!

These are some things that will not happen here this summer,

especially if you all want to last eight weeks

- and see Alan Shemper... - Oh, my God.

Host the talent show on the last night.

My brother went to Camp Cayuga. He said Alan Shemper was amazing.

First and foremost, there will be

no relations between campers and counselors.

This includes dry humping, necking, wet humping,

finger banging, wheel barrowing,

the old one-two, the old one-two-three,

the old one-two-three-four,

the Bavarian pretzel, Denver omelets,

the double-double, the double down,

the triple-double, the double dip, the daily double.

Saltwater taffying...

Basically, any skin-to-skin contact is a no-no.

- Beth! - Beth.

She's so funny. She's, like, Marla Gibbs-level funny.

Shh! Listen up, listen up. Hand goes up, mouth goes shut.

- - Toffler! Toffifay.

And toffee crunch.

Now, I just wanna say, I know that camp is definitely all about having fun,

and I can whoop it up as much as the next guy.

But this year, I'm Boys' Head Counselor,

which means that if I see some unsanctioned camp activity,

I'm gonna have to report you.

But if I don't see it, then as far as I'm concerned,

it didn't happen, if you're picking up what I'm putting...

- Sorry, Greg. Time's up. -

Again, this time with the air horn.

She's hilariously funny.

It's very... She's very witty.

- It's a dry wit. - It's a very dry wit, but it's very funny.

- Where was she even keeping the air horn? - Yeah. I don't... I don't know.

- Did you hear that? - Who is that?

Is that...

- Cool! - I'm late.

Andy, so nice of you to grace us with your presence.

You were supposed to be here a week ago!

Whatever. Smells weird. Who beefed?

Andy fuckin' Fleckner!

J. fuckin' J.

Ha! Nice lady-shorts, McKinley.

Yeah, I got 'em from your mom's dresser.

Oh!

- Good one. -

Hey, man. Don't make fun of the guy who dresses my mom.

Oh, I'm sorry, man, I didn't realize you...

I thought your mom was still dressing herself.

Hey.

All right, next thing. Poison ivy is real.

Mea culpa. Apparently there was a piece in The Times about it...

Hey.

...and it seems that it is real.

Hey.

Hey, J.J., um, have you seen Donna Berman?

- No, I don't think she's here yet. - Oh, okay. Ah, doesn't matter.

It's not a big deal at all. I was just asking because we're dating.

So, I was just kind of wondering where she was.

'Cause of... 'cause we're dating, so... But it's not a big deal, so...

Hey, Mitch, I got an announcement to make.

Victor!

Settle down! Settle down, you scumbags!

"Scumbags"! Classic!

That's the stuff, Vic! That's the stuff right there, Vic.

All right, okay. Tonight after lights out, staff party at the Roundhouse.

And, you guys, hey, you guys. My high school sweetheart, Shari,

is coming to the party tonight, so just be cool, okay?

Yeah, everybody be cool. It's his high school sweetheart, Shari.

Hey, would it be cool if I just stuck my ding dong in Shari's ear like this?

Bonk, bonk, bonk!

Like, it was like, "Hey, my ding dong's in your ear, Shari."

Come on, take that in your ear, Shari.

Take my ding dong in your ear. Take my ding dong in your ear, Shari.

- Shari, take my ding dong in your ear. -

- Take my ding dong, Shari. - Come on.

- Leave him alone. - Take my ding dong...

- Vic, come on! - Okay!

- I was just joking around. - You all right?

- What's his problem? - You okay?

Anyways, staff party tonight at the Roundhouse.

Oh, damn it!

I'm supposed to go to the Camp Tigerclaw summer formal tonight

with my boyfriend Blake.

Camp Tigerclaw? Don't you mean Camp Tiger Dick?

Those guys are prep school turkeys. Skin it.

Katie, my Katie, my beautiful Katie.

Why do you insist on slumming it with those Camp Firewood stooges?

Stooges.

Good one, Blake.

Everyone at Camp Firewood is definitely a stooge.

Why does she go to camp over there? She's rich, like us.

She should go to camp on the rich side of the lake.

We have Jet Skis! We have veal scaloppini...

You watch your mouth, Graham.

That's my girlfriend you're talking about.

You're right. I'm... I'm sorry, chum.

I would like to offer a sincere apology for what I said.

Apology accepted.

Thank you.

- - The buses! The buses!

"The buses! The buses!" Who are you, Mitch, Tattoo?

That's Hervé Villechaize.

Have you seen that show? All right, but let's go.

Campers are here.

Come on, come on! Let's go, let's go!

Come on. Good, there you go.

Come on, let's go!

Ugh, can you please help me?

You're gorgeous. I'm gonna miss you. Oh, God.

Come here. I'm gonna miss this face.

Whoa! That is cool. Hey! Are you excited?

Mmm, I wanna... I love you. The eyeballs, let me kiss the eyeballs.

You're Bunk Three, and you're with the Webelos in Camp Four.

So just go down there, past the canteen. You'll see it.

I left some condoms in the left pocket...

Excuse me, my good man.

Can you point me in the direction of the camp radio station?

Uh, sorry, kid. We don't have a camp radio station.

But it says here,

"Camp Firewood offers a state-of-the-art ten-watt FM radio broadcasting facility."

Hey, J.J., do we have a state-of-the-art broadcasting facility?

My dick is a state-of-the-art broadcast facility.

Man, when did Katie Finnerty get hot?

Yeah, those mosquito bites have turned into juicy tarantula bites.

And plus, someone gave her the memo about losing the braces.

Yeah, well, send her a new memo. To Katie, from Andy.

Re: Me being your boyfriend.

Hunker down for doinkage.

Nah, don't bother.

She's dating that douchebag from Camp Tigerclaw across the lake.

Doesn't scare me. Check this out.

Katie! You gonna be around later?

- Um, yeah. - Cool.

So am I.

That was weird.

She wants me.

Hey, Shannon! Adam!

Hey, buddy. What's your name?

- Kevin Appleblatt. - Kevin Appleblatt.

Ah! You are in my bunk, Kevin Appleblatt.

What's wrong?

I don't know anybody. I don't want to be here.

But look, no one really knows anybody their first time at camp.

My first time here, I didn't really want to be here, either.

But you know what?

By the end of the first day, I made a ton of friends.

And I can honestly say, eight summers later,

my camp friends are my best friends.

Look, you've already made one friend, Kevin.

- Who? - "Who?"

What are you, a barn owl?

Who? Hoo-hoo!

Me, that's who!

Hey, listen, why don't you put your bag over in the bag pile?

- I'll see you in a bit. - All right.

- Hey, Billy! What's up, man? - Have fun, sweetie.

Bye, Dad. Bye, Amanda.

Hey, Cliff. Your bunk is next to mine.

- Oh, sorry. - It's okay.

- Hi. - Hi!

- Um, do you want to put your bag there? - It's... It's okay.

- You can put your bag there. - Are you sure?

You know, I'm just gonna keep it.

Oh, okay.

Just keep it.

See ya.

Okay, Amy, you ready to meet your other campers?

- Yeah, sure. - It's so fun!

- Hello. - Girls, how are you?

Baby, I am telling you, you were a rocket pop last night.

- - I could have kept on slurping you.

Ew!

You weren't ew-ing me last night

when I was fondling those big, fat knockers of yours.

- Honk! Honk! -

- Hey! - There's campers!

Hey, Beth.

What?

I saw you and Mitch doing a little Tune in Tokyo.