Madness in the Method

Lucky, it's how my life feels sometimes.

Like it isn't mine

but some fucked-up alternate reality.

I'm a lucky man.

You think I don't realize that.

First time I killed, name was Eddie.

Can't forget the look in his eyes.

Fear.

Hadn't seen anything like it before.

Pure fear.

He would have done anything to live.

But I had the gun

and Cicero gave the order.

Eddie's luck had run out.

Guess I'm the lucky one.

Jason, thank you.

That was a really strong performance.

You got me.

Right here.

I've gotta say, Jay--

Um, oh, do you mind if I call you "Jay"?

Sure.

Jason, I was wondering is-- was that on the script

that we sent you?

Uh, yeah, look, it's right here.

You see, you were reading the-- the character

of Hank's dialogue.

Yeah, yeah, I know that.

Well, we kind of saw you more for Tommy.

Tommy?

Hank's uh, stoner buddy.

The fun guy.

I know who Tommy is, but--

Dude, it's the perfect role for you, bro.

I mean we loved you in Clerks .

And Clerks II .

Loved you.

Loved you.

Come on, dude,

pooch to the doochilly moochilly.

Snooch to the-- ugh.

Sam Lennox.

Excuse me?

The Golden Rocket.

Yeah, I know Sam Lennox.

I've got a hockey stick back at my place

signed by the Golden Rocket himself.

It's one of my most prized possessions.

That man could hit a slap shot like no motherfucker alive.

Rest of his game wasn't up to much,

but that slap shot...

Pow!

He built a career for doing one thing incredibly.

And the man is a fucking legend.

You might wanna think about that, mate.

You know, I do every time I see that stick on my wall.

You let us know about the part.

I'll let you know.

All my details are on here.

You get in touch anytime, day or night.

Will do, thanks.

Jay.

Pow!

Mewes!

Jay Mewes?

What's up, man?

Dude, can I get a picture with you, huh?

Sure, yeah, sure, of course.

Oh man, you're a fucking legend.

I can't believe you are still alive, bro.

Thanks, yeah, thanks for that.

Dude, you guys should do another Jay and Silent Bob movie.

Um, yeah, it's up to Kevin.

This is awesome, thanks, man.

No problem, yeah.

Hey, I'm Jason Mewes

and I grew up in a small town called "Highlands", New Jersey.

You could say I was that mischievous kid

known around the town,

but the truth is my childhood was kind of fucked up.

My mom used to drive around

and have me steal from mail boxes.

She was single, three kids, no money, no job.

Well, at least not a taxable one.

Oh, and did I mention she was addicted to drugs?

Guess a shrink would tell you

that part kind of becomes relevant later on.

The drugs killed my mom,

but that's not the story I'm here to tell.

Not today anyway.

I wanna talk about a dude named "Kevin Smith".

This motherfucker changed my life.

He didn't really wanna hang out with me when he first met me,

but I would not leave it alone, man,

until finally he started finding me funny.

Before you know it we're hanging out all the time,

reading comic books and stuff.

Inseparable!

But I'm getting a little ahead of myself here.

I started working in New Jersey as a roofer

while Kevin had this crazy idea he could be making movies.

So he went off to film school.

Next thing I know Kevin quits film school

and he's using all his credit cards

to make his own movie.

Some madness about clerks.

And thus Jay and Silent Bob were born.

I'm Jay and this is my hetero life mate Silent Bob.

I am the clit commander.

Justice!

Thank you for your contribution, Claire.

Thank you for the chip in.

I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but--

It's gonna get better.

You just have to be brave and hang in there.

Thank you.

Yeah, everyone thinks I'm a gangster,

because of the roles I play, Jay, you know?

You're Vinnie Jones, you're a fricking badass.

I mean you're a soccer star turned movie star.

I mean who does that?

No one, Jay.

No one fucking does that.

Hmm.

- I ever show you that. - What?

You want me to work the nipples while I cup the balls?

No, I fucking don't.

No, where did you get that? I've never seen that.

Back in the manor,

older lads held me down, carved Big Ben in me chest.

They didn't do a bad job, it's pretty good.

You know, Jay, life's not a walk in the park, mate.

Could have been very different for you and me.

That's very true.

You know, whenever I get negative

I always have a look in the mirror,

I look at the scar, the clock,

- you know what I mean? - Hmm.

Brings it all, keeps me grounded.

Fuck my balls, it's you!

Is the fat one nearby?

He's probably at home.

Hey, mate, have you got a fat boy for me?

A fat boy?

Not what you're thinking, ugh!

Oh, you beauty!

Believe me, sir, you could attack Russia

with this mother bitch.

- I might try it, mate, - Please, be careful,

the health and safety record is not--

Cool, it's cool.

It's for my mate, it's his birthday next week,

he loves this shit.

Motherfucker!

What's the matter?

This motherfucker on eBay, man.

You're buying stuff behind the Missus' back again?

This is number 69, Hardwyre Hactivist.

I want this so bad, Vinnie, it makes my balls burn.

You can get cream for that, you know, son?

How much you paying for this fucking thing?

Way too much, man.

If I meet this motherfucker,

I'm gonna make him eat his dog and phone.

It's dog and bone, you prat.

- What? - Dog and bone

is Cockney rhyming slang for phone.

Dog and bone, phone, you fucking muppet.

Wait, what does muppet rhyme with?

Nothing!

You are the muppet!

I appreciate this so much, Vin.

The podcast is an hour's drive away

and I can't be late for Kevin.

I will obey every traffic law, I will go the speed limit.

You get pulled over,

you're gonna be in jail all night,

then I'm gonna have to come and bail you out.

Well, my licence is suspended, I can't rent a car.

It's for one night.

I won't tell if you don't tell.

You break it, you buy it.

Oh my God, I look so old.

God damn it, I hate it, man.

I look like my father fucked my grandmother

and had me as a baby.

That's what I'm gonna talk about tonight on the show.

You might wanna lighten up a little bit,

you're so fucking bummed.

What's the matter, little boy blue?

It's nothing, it's...

Oh, today was the audition, wasn't it?

Didn't work out.

They just wanted you to be Jay, right?

Their casting director is an asshole.

I just don't understand why they can't consider me

for a serious role.

They don't necessarily think of you as an acteur,

like the moment you walk into the room

and that's honestly, probably my fault,