Ghost Town

Hello? Is anybody there?

Hey, honey, what's up?

Slow down. Who are you talking about?

No, I don't know! Sweetheart, I don't have a clue what you're...

An apartment?

No, no! Of course I'm not looking at an apartment!

Why would I be looking at an apartment?

Wait a sec, wait. I know what this is.

Oldest trick in the book. Yeah. Did a realtor call you? Yeah.

Yeah, realtor calls the wife, says, "Oh, yeah, I spoke to the husband.

"I'm looking at a... "

My card? My business card? I don't know.

That I don't know. I don't know why he has my business card.

Maybe he...

Maybe he or she, then.

Yeah.

Okay, surprise ruined.

No, no, it's all right.

It was gonna be for our anniversary, but I...

Yeah, it's just a little one-bedroom in the West Village,

but you're gonna love it.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Hey, listen, the car never picked me up for this thing at the Waldorf.

I got to go. I'll see you at home tonight, okay, honey?

I love you, too.

It's okay. Big kiss.

All right, then. Bye-bye.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

You a real estate broker or a professional fucking idiot?

Babe, I really think we ought to let the super do that.

No, I got it, I got it. Just move that stuff.

No, I did not say my wife needs to see the apartment.

I said Amber needs to see the apartment. Amber.

Amber sound like the wife of a man my age to you?

- Careful with my table! - Yeah, picked it up right now.

Okay, just get the cord for me, will you?

Okay, all right. I got it, baby. What do you want me to do with it?

Just keep it out of my way.

Well, it's not exactly a love nest

if my wife's there picking out the goddamned curtains, is it?

Careful, just get the window, get the window.

- Okay? - Ready?

Yeah, just pull it down, and inside.

No, I'm telling you right now, stop talking.

Because I'm thinking.

No, I'm thinking! I don't... You know what? Just kill it.

No, kill it. Kill the whole thing.

- There, good. - See? DIY. "Do It Yourself. "

Oh, no!

Call me over the weekend. Leave a message on the home machine

saying the seller's had a change of heart,

and that the whole thing's...

- Oh, my God! ... dead.

You are not gonna believe what almost just happened!

- Did you see that? - Someone call 911!

- Oh, my God, is he dead? - He ain't happy.

What?

You cannot be serious!

Not now.

Okay, go ahead and spit.

So, anyway, the very first scene just takes your breath away.

You have to remind yourself that you're in the theater watching a play.

My five-year-old, Alex, just adored it.

He wanted his father to see it with us.

That's better.

Anyway, I think he really, really enjoyed the costumes...

Dr. Pincus? Hi.

I'm gonna need the panoramic X-ray machine

for most of the morning tomorrow,

so if that fits in with your appointments...

Fine. I've cleared my schedule for tomorrow.

Really?

I hear it's supposed to be a lovely day.

And?

No, I just thought that maybe you were taking the day off to go and...

Right. Sorry to bother you.

You know, we brought some cake.

Mrs. Prashar and I just had our baby, so...

Yeah, it's a girl,

and we're having a little cake and I brought some pictures, so, if you...

That'd be delightful.

Start without me.

Great, great. Okay, so...

What a cute baby. She is so cute.

- Yeah, she really is. - How long was the labor?

- Ten hours. - Ten hours?

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

- That seems like a really long time. - No, not really.

- It's not? - Not really.

- See, that's, like, too long. - It's so worth it.

I'll just get a cat, you know?

Like, 10 hours is a long time to get something, you know?

- Look at that. - So cute.

Stop global warming?

Yeah, just a tiny... It might take a little jiggle.

Good evening, Doctor.

You know what? Let me just open it.

Hey! Can you hold the elevator? Please?

- Yeah. Holding. - Thank you.

- Sorry! - Wait, hold. Hey! Hey!

Good. Still some more.

Come on, come on, come on,

make it, make it, make it, make it, make it, make it.

Paging Dr. Michael, Dr. Michael to Pediatrics, please.

- Charts come back up, yet? - They're there.

I appreciate it.

- Spell it. - P-I-N-C-U-S.

- Date of birth? - Why?

What day were you born?

No, I understood the question. Why do you need to know that?

Let's leave it blank. Weight?

- Last night or this morning? - You pick.

Hundred and eighty-two pounds.

Number of alcoholic beverages consumed per week?

- Why do you need to know that? - Well, they want to know.

Well, I'm sure "they" want to know a lot of things,

but I don't want my intimate details

auctioned off to the highest bidder, willy-nilly.

I'll put zero.

- Marital status? - Pass.

- Profession? - Irrelevant.

- Food allergies? - I'm not gonna be eating here.

- Are you allergic to sticking plaster? - What a ludicrous question.

I'm not answering any more of these, really.

- Do you smoke? - Stop it.

- Do you wear dentures? - Madame, listen.

- When was the last time you ate? - A pertinent question at last.

Yesterday, lunchtime. Thanks for asking.

I had a tuna sandwich. Toast was soggy, but...

- Did you drink the laxative solution? - Yes.

Did it work?

It was as advertised.

Did you evacuate your bowels?

I drank copious amounts of drain-cleaning fluid.

What followed was fait accompli.

Sir, what I'm asking is if you were...

I shat. Okay? Good. Again and again.

It was like a terrorist attack down there in the darkness and the chaos,

the running and the screaming, okay?

- Fine with me. - Good.

Gross invasion of my privacy, this.

Wait till they get you in the back.

- Good morning, Dr. Pincus. - Hi.

Don't anticipate any difficulties today.

We'll have you up and on your feet in no time.

- Okay. - Quick question.

I notice you requested a general anesthetic.

It's not really typical for this type of procedure.

- It's not necessary and we normally... - Sorry.

I have no intention of being around when they go where they're going.

When does the surgeon arrive?

I'm the surgeon.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Why do you look that tan? - Thanks for noticing.

I got a spray tan on my way to work today.

- Looks natural. - Yes. It's better for you.

It's moisturizing and it doesn't cause UV damage, so...

Yeah.

It has an odd smell. I can't quite place it.

- I don't know if... - No, I don't want to smell your fake tan!

- What are you... - It's like dirt.

But like a garden dirt, like a good dirt. Not like a garbage dirt.

- You gonna go darker? - I think I am. I think I'd like to go darker.

It's really gonna make my eyes pop.

You could get your teeth whitened like I did.

- Yeah, that makes a difference. - Very nice.

Yeah, I don't like having trays in my mouth and my teeth are small.

Sorry, you babbling idiots.

Can we talk about my bowels? Wouldn't that be a good idea?

Looks like the sodium thiopental's really kicking in, huh?

- Makes people say crazy things. - I haven't given it to him yet.

- Going in now. - How old are you?

So are you here on a school field trip?

Not a real people person are you, Dr. Pincus?

Not really. Given a choice between a few people and loads of people,

I choose my cat. She hunts dwarves.

She takes them up the tree. They're still alive.

You can see their little legs going.

Sounds like Norah Jones when she plays the piano.

Wow, you must be excited to get home and see your cat.

What cat?

I thought yesterday you said you had a cat.

I despise cats. What sort of men waste their affection on a cat? Pathetic.

I had a cat once, when I was a little girl.

My father, right before he died, he took me to the shelter and he said,

"Debra, take a look at all these lonely cats... "

What a wonderful man he must have been.

Now, listen.

All those people in my room last night,

I thought I was dreaming at first, but I wasn't.

Who were they?

- I don't know anything about that. - Right.

- Here you go. Clean bill of health. - All right, thank you.

Come back soon!

What a terrible thing to say in a hospital.

Nice.

Fine example for healthcare workers.

Still, I suppose smoking serves a purpose.

- Thins the herd. Weeds out the stupid. - Are you speaking to me?

Yeah, but I was having a go at them, not you.