It's Not a Date

You know,

you go out with a girl and sometimes it works out,

you go out again.

Sometimes it doesn't and you move on.

But if you just hook up for a night,

it's not a date.

Hey, you going out?

Tom is it?

Didn't work out.

This one's a Max.

Max?

The bastard never showed.

Josh?

Jonathan.

Seeing Jonathan again?

Bruce.

What does Bruce do?

He's an interior decorator.

He's not gay?

I don't think he's gay.

Where are you going?

I'm meeting someone.

Is it a date?

No, it's not a date.

Who are you meeting?

Tom I think.

You don't know?

Pretty sure.

And?

And he's six foot, curly brown hair,

has a masters from UCLA

and works for a financial services company.

At least that's what his profile says.

Are you dating him or hiring him?

It's not a "date" date.

So where did you meet this Tom or whatever his name is?

I haven't met him yet.

I'm going to meet him now.

You don't know who you're meeting?

It's some guy I met online.

So, he could be Tom the ax murderer.

Yes, dad, he could be Tom the ax murderer.

But we're gonna meet in a public place

and if he walks in carrying an ax,

I promise I'll just excuse myself and leave.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What?

Too much blush.

Are you wearing underwear?

Yes, I'm wearing underwear!

I'm glad you're wearing underwear.

Be careful.

Dad, I'm not stupid.

We're meeting for coffee.

Just to talk.

It is a date.

No, it's not a date.

It's a good idea when you meet people online

to meet them in a public place

to get to know them first.

And make sure they're not going to kill you.

That too.

Bye.

You've been doing this a lot lately.

It's just how people meet nowadays, online, websites.

Did you like that boy that Aunt Cindy set you up with?

No.

The one who just graduated from Northwestern.

No!

No one you or your friends

will ever set me up with will ever work out.

What kind of attitude is that?

I'm sorry.

It's just a fact of life.

Nowadays a mother's match a match made in hell.

It works for the Indians, Muslims, the orthodox Jews.

Fine.

Find me a Muslim, Indian Jew and I am in.

In the meantime, Mom, let me find my own dates.

Hey, babe, do you need any money?

Dad, I'm a nurse.

I work.

Okay, it's habit.

Go. Go have a good time.

Thank you.

What's his name again?

Tom.

Tom.

Six foot, brown hair,

with a college degree from UCLA.

Good.

I want to be able to give the cops a good ID.

You are not funny.

I am funny.

Call us for any problems

and Joe the handyman for all emergencies.

I can handle it.

Go. Have a good time.

Do you have the tickets.

I have the tickets.

Let me see them.

I have the tickets.

Are they in your bag or your pocket?

Mom, he has the tickets.

Now you have the tickets.

Go. Have a good time.

Get out of here.

Bye guys.

What?

Oh, one second.

Hey.

Hey, how's it going?

You're really good.

Thank you.

I'm Carly.

Steve.

Nice to meet you.

Pleasure.

Be careful.

I don't want to break the statue.

Oh!

Sorry.

Are you okay (CHUCKLES)?

Think I have a concussion?

You have a little bump.

You want something to drink?

Wine?

Wine puts me to sleep.

And I don't know if I'm going to be up late.

Am I going to be up late?

I'll make coffee.

So is this your place?

My parents'.

Are they out for the night?

They're away for a couple of days.

Vegas.

They like Vegas.

Do you wanna smoke?

Sure.

Your parents don't mind that you keep

your weed out in the open?

It's their weed.

They really like these mini J's.

I should warn you in advance.

I get very existential when I smoke.

Like how?

Like I realize the true meaning of life

but I can never remember what it was.

So, if I say anything brilliant, write it down.

So, tell me, Steve,

what else don't I know about you?

Well, I know you can kiss.

And you're a good dancer.

But I don't know much else about you.

What exactly would you like to know?

How did you end up in California?

I got a full ride to Stanford and I stayed.

So, you're smart.

I'm not Einstein but smart enough.

I mean smart enough to work at an internet start-up

but not smart enough yet to make my own ideas happen.

But they'll happen.

What kind of ideas?

Apps and stuff.

Yeah, apps and stuff.

Are you sure we haven't met before.

At a party or some event?

I don't think so.

And anyway, I remember feet.

They're the sexiest part of a woman's body.

Well, in the top four anyway.

You dress them up in sexy shoes.

They're the beginning of where a man wants to end.

And they're the first part of a woman

that she'll give up freely.

Sounds like a fetish to me.

There are worse ones.

So, how about you? Do you like nursing?

Oh, I love nursing.

Lot of blood and stuff?

Well, you get to help people.

You give shots?