All in the Family

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

It's nice.

It stinks.

I hate motels.

What was that creepy desk clerk

whispering into your ear there?

Oh, he asked me if we was gonna use

the room for more than an hour.

Oh...

I wonder why he asked me that.

'Cause whenever we check into a motel,

you stand around looking dopey.

"Call front desk if you wish to see

today's adult film presentation."

Forget that! Forget that.

Today's movie is Goldilocks and the Three Bares.

Look at the way they spelled "bears." B--

A-R-E-S.

Oh, what a view for the $9 we gave 'em.

Is it pretty?

Oh, it's breathtakin', Edith--

two Pintos and a Toyota.

We better get ready for the funeral.

Here's your tie.

Oh, I better fix my face first.

Well, don't rouge it up too much, Edith.

You ain't the guest of honor.

I sure hope it ain't one of them

open-casket affairs, you know?

'Cause I--I hate lookin' at somebody

who ain't lookin' back at me.

And then, too, you never know what they're thinkin',

you know, Edith?

How could they be thinkin'?

Edith, don't try to make sense

out of every little thing I say to you, huh?

You're married to a guy

that has a lot of deep thoughts, you know?

And maybe they're too deep for you,

so don't try to get down here with me.

I just can't believe that Cousin Liz is gone.

That's another thing.

Why do people always say they can't believe

that so-and-so is gone,

like it's some kind of big surprise?

I mean, everybody's gotta go, Edith.

I mean, we gotta go.

I mean, you gotta go today, maybe me later on.

But it's so sad.

Oh, well, I'll give you that.

Yeah, Liz was a beautiful girl,

and the nicest relation in your family.

Always said she was the one good egg

in a barrel of rotten apples.

Poor Liz.

She was so beautiful.

It's too bad she never got married.

She didn't have any fun.

Well, listen, Edith,

not every girl can be as lucky as you, you know?

And being so beautiful, you know,

she could have probably got herself a wonderful fella.

For instance, uh, I don't suppose I ever told you this,

but, uh, like me,

I once had a kinda crush on Liz.

Oh, really? Well, yeah.

What'd you do about it?

I kissed her.

Oh.

Is that all?

Yeah, she wouldn't do nothin' else.

You know, I hate black,

like they got in this "funererial" suit here.

Oh, you look nice in it.

Oh, gee, oh, look,

oh, oh, look at this. Look at this.

You remember where I wore that last?

Oh, yeah, Stretch Cunningham's funeral.

Yeah.

That's--that's your beanie.

This ain't a beanie.

You know what the Jews call this?

A Yamaha, Edith.

Poor old Stretch,

and everybody down at work loved Stretch so, you know,

and we never got a chance to tell him.

It's too bad we don't know in advance

when people are gonna pass away.

Oh, gee, "pass away"?

That's another one of them words

that I hate, you know?

"Pass away," that's for the gas

from those poops here, you know?

But people die. Die, it's a good word.

Can't you say "die"?

Oh, no.

Well, if it's too rough for you,

then pick out something a little more softer,

like, for instance, "croak."

You can say that, can't you? Say it.

Croak.

Yes.

If we knew in advance when people are gonna...croak,

then we could say goodbye to them,

and tell 'em how wonderful they are.

By the time we say what we ought to say,

it's too late to say it.

Oh, jeez, oh, jeez.

Look at this here. Look at this.

Oh, it's a spot.

Here, I'll get it out.

Archie? Yeah, what?

You're wonderful.

You don't have to tell me that.

I--I wanted to tell ya

before it's too late.

Thank you very much, Edith,

and I wanna tell you somethin' before it's too late.

Yeah?

Get the spot out of the tie, huh?

Look at your nail.

Don't replace the spot with a hole, please.

Oh, you notice the Gideon's Bible here, Edith?

Know what that's for?

That's so the people can watch all the dirty movies,

and repent after.

Wouldn't it be nice if Stretch Cunningham

and Cousin Liz met up in Heaven?

Oh, I think they'd like each other.

What good would it to them?

What do you mean?

'Cause when they're up in Heaven,

they ain't got nothin' to do nothin' with, you know?

Ain't you never seen pictures of angels

flying around in the churches there?

The only parts they got is the wings, see?

The rest of them is smooth.

That's another reason the angels ain't ashamed to fly around naked.

I wanted to ask you,

how long was that Cousin Liz of yours teaching school?

Oh, a long time-- 20, 25 years.

That's what I thought,

so she must have saved a lot of money, you know,

and you being her closest living relation there,

you know, if you're following my meaning.

Oh, Archie, I don't wanna talk about that now.

Edith, all I'm sayin' to you

is that you stand to collect here, you know?

I mean, maybe she stashed away a boodle of dough there

for her old age, which she ain't gonna have now

because she died.

She didn't have much money, Archie.

What do you mean? What expense could she have?

All them years sharin' that apartment

with the other old maid school-teacher,

Veronica whosis.

Well, that's why they had to share it,

'cause they was teachers.

Teachers don't make much money.

Look at Mike.

Don't make me think of him and a corpse

in the one day, will ya?

We better go.

Yeah, yeah, here's your coat there.

Hey, you know what just crossed my mind?

I bet we're the first man and woman

that ever rented this motel room to put clothes on.

Come on, Archie.

Yeah, well, wait a minute.

I gotta do somethin' first here, Edith.

What are you doing that for?

I don't want them to think

there's anything wrong with us.

Go on.

Ain't you got enough of that?

Let her have what she wants.

Old people throw up, Edith.

Excuse me, please.

Excuse me.

Thank you very much, thank you.

Well, well, well, Veronica.

Jeez, you and Liz,

you had a nice little apartment here.

Oh, thank you, Archie.

Come on, Edith, come on.

Sit right down here. You could move.

Uh, thank you.

I'll speak to you later, Mr. Arnold.

It was a lovely funeral, Veronica.

Thank you, Edith.