Death Proof

Hold on. I gotta come up.

I gotta take the world's biggest fucking piss.

We can't be late.

We won't!

- Who's holding? - If you're not, then nobody.

We were kind of hoping you were.

- Yeah. How are you not holding? - Jesus Christ, Shanna.

It is not my fucking job to supply y'all with weed when we go out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little lady.

You're getting angry kind of quick, don't you think?

- I was just teasing you. - I'm not angry.

It just would be nice if y'all didn't just count on me all the fucking time,

and surprise me every once in a while with pot.

Okay, mean girl in a high school movie. Are you through having a tantrum?

- I'm not having a tantrum. - Yes, you are.

You've been in the car all of two seconds, and you're already cursing at me.

- I am not cursing at you. - You said, "Jesus Christ, Shanna."

And then, before the sentence was over,

you threw a "fucking" in there to emphasize your "irritatance."

All right. Come on, guys. Don't fight. I'll pay for it when we get some.

One: It is not about the money.

It is about the pain in the ass of scoring.

And two: We're not really fighting.

Arlene, have you forgotten what hanging out with Jungle Julia's like?

That wasn't a fight.

That was Julia acting like a grumpy bitch,

and me calling her on it and indulging her at the same time.

That's how we tolerate each other after all these years.

Oh, billboard.

So, what's the plan, man?

Margaritas and Mexican food at Guero's.

Did you call Rafael and tell him we're coming?

- Of course. - You're so good.

I know.

Okay, is Christian Simonson gonna be there?

You bet your ass he is. He's gonna be there with Jesse Letterman.

Christian Simonson, the filmmaker, is in town.

He's got a big thing for Julia.

If he had a big thing for me, he'd fucking call me

as opposed to disappearing for six months,

and he'd get his ass down here more often than he does,

and on my birthday, give me a fucking phone call.

Oh, billboard.

Yeah, but you get those legs of yours around him, and it's all over.

Yeah, well, when I'm redecorating his house in the hills

that I am also living in, I'll let you know it worked.

So, margaritas and Mexican food at Guero's, touch base with Chris and Jesse,

tell them about later, and make damn sure they come.

Those other guys will be waiting for us to join them at the Texas Chili Parlor.

Oh, shit.

Speaking of which, what happened with you and Nate last night?

Well, you know, not mu -- We just fucking met each other.

I mean, if you don't bust their balls a

little bit, they're never gonna respect you.

Okay, we're pretty clear on what it is you didn't do.

How about enlightening us on what it is you did do?

Nothing to write home about.

We just made out on the couch for about 20 minutes.

Dressed, half-dressed or naked?

Dressed. I said we made out.

We didn't do the thing.

Excuse me for living, but what is "the thing"?

You know, it's everything but.

They call it "the thing"?

I call it "the thing."

Do guys like the thing?

They like it better than no thing.

Okay, I wanna get back to what it is you did do.

So, you're making out on the couch with Nate, right?

- Correct. - Whose couch?

- His or the one in your hotel room? - What am I, stupid over here? Mine.

Were you making out sitting up or lying down?

We started sitting up. We worked our way to lying down.

Mmm, the plot thickens. Who was on top?

I was straddling him.

- What else? - That was it.

So we made out for a little while on the couch,

and I said, "Okay, I'm gonna go to bed now, so it's time for you to leave."

And then he starts to whine, "Oh, right now?"

And I said, "Yep, right now. Let's go."

And he says, "well, wait. what about this?"

And I said, "No."

He said, "What do you mean, no? You don't even know what I'm gonna say."

I said, "I already know what you're gonna say,

and the answer's no."

He said, "How can you say you know what I'm gonna say?"

I said, "Because you're gonna say, 'let's just go to sleep together.

"'We don't gotta do nothing.

"'Just cuddle, sleep next to each other, wake up in the morning together.'

No, you're gonna leave, but I'll see you tomorrow."

Yeah, fuck Nate.

I mean, he's cute and all,

but Jesse Letterman's gonna be all over her.

- Jesse Letterman -- - Remember, no hooking up tonight.

You can hang out with him, you can make out with him,

but no hooking up with him, because we are driving to Lake LBJ tonight,

and my daddy's pretty clear about one thing.

He said, "I am letting you and your girlfriends stay at my lake house,

not you and a bunch of horny boys trying to get their fuck on with my daughter."

- Your dad talks like that? - Hell, yeah!

It's not like he ain't gonna know, either,

because when I'm staying at the lake house with my girlfriends in our bikinis,

Daddy just has a tendency to pop up and make sure we don't need anything.

Look, he's totally harmless and cute as a bug's ear.

But, you know, when he's got a bunch of half-naked poontang

walking the floor of his lake house,

he just likes to pay us a visit and make sure we got everything we need.

And if you flirt shamelessly with him, like the six-foot baby giraffe in the backseat,

you got a puppy dog for life.

I have my own relationship with Ben,

and you're just jealous 'cause it don't include you.

- You call her dad Ben? - I'm not a child. That's his name.

So when are the boys showing up?

They're gonna meet us at the Chili Parlor.

Maybe they can bring some pot.

Fuck that. No.

I don't wanna be either A, depending on their fucking ass,

or B, depending on their ass.

Uh-uh. We don't score ourselves,

we're gonna be stuck with them all fucking night.

Ooh, try Lanna Frank.

Best idea you had all day.

Oh, hey, that's your last billboard before Guero's.

Oh, come on. Give me a break.

"Oh, come on," my ass! We said every time.

Okay.

Jules, let me get a drag? Thanks.

Oh, my God!

Hey, this is -- and I's U.T. days, Arlene.

- Hey. - Hey.

- You wanna join us? - For a second, but I'm with some friends.

Oh.

So you must be -- must be --

So you must be the infamous Butterfly.

Shh!

She don't know nothing about it.

- Know about what? - When were y'all gonna tell her?

- Soon. - Tell me what?

Yeah, now thanks to you, we gotta tell her sooner than later.

All right, cut the shit. What the fuck is going on?

I said a little somethin'-somethin' about you on the air today.

Julia, what the fuck did you say about me on the radio?

All I said was I had a sexy friend named Butterfly

who was in from out of town for the weekend,

and we would be going out somewhere in Austin tonight,

and if they were out on the town, maybe they'd see us.

And I described you, and I said that if they spotted you while we were out,

if they'd do something, you'd do something.

Okay, now, Julia, I'm serious.

what did you say, and what did you say I'd do?

Anyhoo, I could explain what I said, which would be boring,

or Marcy over here,

who is an incredible actress, could act it out for you,

which, I think, will give you a better idea

of what you have in store for you tonight.

Okay, so just tell me your way.

- So we'll act it out with Marcy? - Sure.

Okay, give Marcy your drink.

Thank you.

Okay, so, you're in a club or a bar,

and Marcy's a kind of cute or kind of hot or kind of sexy

or better be fucking hysterically funny, but not funny-looking guy

who you could fuck.

- Got it. - Okay, Marcy, take it.

Howdy.

Hi there.

Excuse me, but your name wouldn't be Butterfly, would it?

Yes, it is. It seems you have me at a disadvantage.

Barry.

Pleased to meet you, Barry.

- Y'all are getting me hot. - Shh!

So, is, uh, Butterfly your real name?

Yes, it is.

And how'd you know my name, Barry?

I listened to Jungle Julia's show this morning.

Oh, you did, did you?

Oh, yeah. I listen to her show every morning.

Oh, you do, do you?

Yeah. She's, like, the coolest lady in town.

Don't you think she's got a big ass?

Nah, man.

I like her ass that way.

She got a black girl's ass.

Well, that's what she always says, but, natural fact,

she doesn't really have a black girl's ass.

- She's got a big ass. - Okay, what the fuck are you doing?

Oh, look who wants to get to the point all of a sudden.

Okay, we'll get to the point.

But for your information, skinny bitch,

black men and a whole lot of motherfucking white men

have had plenty fun adoring my ass.

I don't wear their teeth marks on my butt for nothing.

All right, if you're not gonna buy me a drink, can I have mine back?

No. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

So, Butterfly, can I buy you a drink?

- I'd love one. - What can I get you?

I'll take a margarita.

Here you go.

So, after they buy you a drink,

when they raise their glass to toast,