Two Little Boys

# Invercargill March

You know how they say bad luck comes in threes?

Yeah, well, I thought that was a load of shit, but it turns out it's true.

It was not a joy ride.

I was just trying to do some thinking and stuff,

and I think pretty good when I'm doing laps.

Oh!

This was my first bit of bad luck.

I knew that cop would give me a hard time,

especially with just the one headlight working,

so... I did the smart thing.

That way, the cop could only tell me off for forgetting to put my lights on,

instead of doing me for my warrant.

And then another bit of bad luck.

Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Ohh! Ha! Ha!

Oh! Agh! Agh!

And then, to top it all off - bad luck number three.

Aghhh!

You know how they say don't cross the path of a black cat?

Yeah, well... add ginger to the mix, that's what I say.

Agh!

Jesus.

Ah... God.

OK...

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, mate. Uh, what's your name?

Hey?

- Gavin. Ah... - No, no!

Uh, Gary, yeah?

No, no, no...

With a J... With a J.

J? J... Uh... Jeremy?

Adam? John?

Am I close?

Oh, it's Jeurgen. Yeah?

Yes. Yes.

Jeurgen, you're... you're gonna be fine, mate.

Jeurgen? Hey?

No, no, no, no. Don't do that.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey.

Jeurgen. Hey.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Hey, hey, hey! Fuck. Come on!

Hey. No, no, no.

Oh, fuck! Come on!

Come on, man! Agh! Fuck!

Oh, fuck! Agh!

Agh! Agh!

Oh, fuck.

Agh...

Fuck.

Oh!

Uh...

Oh, my God. Uh...

Fuck!

Agh!

And that's where Nige's bed used to be.

Well, that's where it was three weeks ago to this day.

Did you know that you shed skin, like, more than a snake?

Like, I think about one tenth of your skin comes off every day,

so... basically there's like, dozens of, like, old Niges on the floor.

So I'm not exactly gonna vacuum that up.

Deano? Deano? Wake up! Deano!

Deano! Fuck.

Hey. Deano. Hey.

Fuck off, Nige.

- Deano, please! - Fuck off!

Deano!

Come for your toasted sandwich maker, have you?

Well, it's still busted. Thanks for asking.

Deano.

I'm in a lot of trouble.

Did you get the blood tests back? I knew that kid wouldn't be yours.

Monica's a slutbag, mate. Could be mine.

- I'm in a lot of trouble. - No. Oi.

Why don't you get Gav to help?

Deano!

Come on, man. Deano!

Could you please open the fucking door?

So what's up, Nige?

I, uh... I've uh...

I- I... Killed someone.

Yeah. Yeah, you killed me three weeks ago, Nige.

- Hey? - I'm dead.

I'm dead on the inside.

I can't fuckin' feel anything. It's agony.

- Deano... - What do you care?

...I've actually fucking killed someone.

I ran over a fucking backpacker. He's fucking actually fucking dead.

I'm freaking out!

What? Oi, what?

I've killed someone!

There was blood coming out of his stomach

and his head and stuff...

He had fucking blood coming out of his face!

- Oi! Shut up! - His guts were...

Use that. Use this, your knob-end.

What do you mean you ran over a backpacker?

Did you actually run over a backpacker?

Yeah. Well, it'd be a pretty weird lie, don't you think?

Fuck, Nige.

# Two little boys had two little toys... #

Me and Nige have been best friends for 15 years,

ever since Nige's first day at school.

Alright, settle down, class. This is Nigel from Mataura.

Why don't you go and find your seat, Nigel?

# One little chap then had a mishap... #

I am a robot.

I knew what it was like to be the new kid.

Mum moved us here from Australia when I was six and a half.

# As his young playmate said... #

# Did you think I would leave you crying?

# When there's room on my horse for two... #

Every second weekend he'd come to our crib in the Catlins.

Deano was kind of like another member of our family.

We did everything together...

I pretty much taught Nige everything he knows, which isn't much,

'cause Nige is a bit fuckin' stupid, but still... I taught him how to fight,

taught him how to do cunnilingus.

# I wonder if we'll remember... #

I reckon I learned more from Deano than I ever learned in class.

# We were two little, we were two little boys! #

When Nige's folks left town, we went flatting together.

We shared the same room, but, like, just to save on rent and that.

Smart, you know?

Deano was really great to live with and he was really nice to me too.

- Happy birthday! - Snails!

...to go with this.

Maybe 'cause we're going to Surfers Paradise...

...in fuckin' Australia. - Yeah!

That was an amazing trip.

I fucking loved it.

Yeah, we flatted together for seven years.

Seven wicked... awesome years.

Dinner will be ready in a sec.

But after a while, I guess I just started to wonder...

Fuck off!

...maybe there's more to life than this.

I'm fucking serious! Get out!

Fuckin' Judas! Judas!

I've missed you.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

Couldn't get out of bed.

Do you know what it's like when you can't get out of bed?

- Uh... - Basically just stuck in bed.

- Yeah. - Didn't eat.

Didn't eat for four days.

Ever tried that? Not eating for four days?

- Uh... no. - If you don't eat for eight, you die.

So I was basically half-dead.

Probably you should eat something then, just...

Fuck. Sayonara, Nige. Have a good night.

Hey. Deano! Deano!

Mate, what do you want me to do?

How can I help you, if you won't even admit what you did wrong?

One word. It's all I want from you. One important word.

You won't say it.

- Please? - Not 'please', you fuckwit. 'Sorry'.

Oh... yeah... sorry. OK?

Alright.

I accept your apology, Nige.

I've decided I'm willing to take you back into the flat.

- Uh... - Yep.

After this is done, we'll go get your shit. I forgive you.

- Move back in today, yeah? - OK. Yeah.

- Alright? - Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Awesome. - Awesome. Yeah.

Awesome.

# Marching music

What are you... What are you doing?

It's not... An ideal place.

It was just, like, the easy... it was closest.

It's not an ideal place, mate.

- It's got fuckin' lights all over it. - Yeah.

Oh. Shit.

Fuck, Nige.

I'm a fuckwit. I'm a fuckwit, Deano. Ah...

Well, you're not a fuckwit, alright? Just got to chill the fuck out.

- Did you touch him? - Yeah, he didn't get there by himself.

Alright. Just... You've put fingerprints and shit all over him.

Shit. Right.

Shit. Fuck.

Oi. Abba.

Hey, he's definitely dead.

Yeah, I told you he's very dead.

Fuck.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Fuck, get off my fucking foot.

Oh, get down here.

Fuckin' come on!

I just... I'll keep a lookout.

Fuck, I can't lift him by myself. Fuckin' get down here.

You could not have put him in a worse spot. Do you know that?

It's like a game of fuckin' pick-up sticks down here.

Hey, he's still warm.

Yeah, no, they don't go stiff for, like, a day.

One, two, three.

Fuckin' go, Nige! Go!