NCIS

Hello?

Yeah, I got everything we needed.

I'll know what I have for you soon enough.

That's exactly what the guy at the hardware store asked,

and you're both chauvinist pigs.

I guarantee I'm better with power tools than any man.

Gross.

That's not what I meant,

although it does prove my pig thesis.

Chill out. You're just oversensitive.

We can discuss the finer points of sexism later.

Yeah, that's what she said.

NCIS 12x18 Status Update

So, Larsen, you check your Leave and Earnings Statement?

Last Monday. Still no payday.

And you talked to Chuck in payroll?

I mean, usually he's civil if you are.

I was very civil.

I explained I'm trying to put a deposit down on a new apartment,

but he just grumbled something about next week.

Well, Chuck has spoken-- I wouldn't push it.

Ugh. I have to be out of temp housing by Friday.

Oh, what if I show him a little shoulder?

Never worked for me.

Oh. I tell you what, though--

I have a couch and an extra key.

Thanks, Tim. That's really sweet.

Rent won't be cheap, though. Oh.

More than a little shoulder, huh?

What? Nothing.

Work. Flirt.

Work flirt. You two

should never be left alone, you know that?

Look, I was just being friendly.

Agent Larsen is nice. Seen a lot

of "nice" this week. Mm-hmm.

And she always lingers.

She lingers for you, Tim.

Tina was transferred to the Carolinas nine years ago,

and now she's back. I'm a familiar face,

if that's what you mean. It wasn't.

And your face isn't all that's familiar.

Hey, that was one date, and it was 108 months ago.

108? Must have gone well.

Yes. I mean... no.

It doesn't matter, because

I'm still with Delilah. End of story.

Well, she works in Dubai

and it's been six months

since you've seen her.

Thank you for picking at the scab on my heart, guys.

Well, Bishop had the problem.

I never said that.

By all means, stretch your legs, Tim.

Yeah.

Keep the monotony out of monogamy.

By cheating?

No. Just words.

Elaborate. Harmless

practice for later use

on your actual flirt.

Practice makes perfect.

Look, what I'm saying is...

Keep the tools sharp. See?

Gibbs knows what I'm talking about.

Ah, I got no idea. Got a body in off-base housing.

Look sharp.

Tools.

Open sesame.

Actually, the original French text would be

sésame, ouvre-toi.

Oh.

Mon Dieu.

Neighbor saw the blood trail

on the driveway, called the police,

mentioned that the house belongs to a Marine.

Registered to Gunnery Sergeant

Holt Perkins, currently deployed

as part of a training team working with the Iraqi Army.

Get an I.D. on the body?

No, LEOs didn't find any.

The house is clear-- no signs

of blood or struggle outside of the garage.

Well, she certainly bled out.

Following a trip to the hardware store.

Drill bits.

Late night hankering for woodwork?

Yeah, well, it happens.

Bishop.

According to his CO, Gunnery Sergeant

Perkins will be home sooner than later.

He's on leave.

Transport just landed two hours ago.

McGEE: It's a hell of a thing to come home to.

Yeah. This is my house. Get off me.

Get your hands off me! Where's my wife?

Get o... Don't touch me again. Gibbs, NCIS.

Get that out of my face. Where's my wife? Marine...

I need you to focus.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Gunny...

It's not her.

That's not my wife, sir.

I've never seen this woman before.

Lee? Leandra? We already cleared the house.

Your wife's not here. Then where is she?

There's a dead woman in my garage and no sign of her.

Straight to voicemail. Any idea

where your wife might be? Why do you think I keep calling her?

Can't you see something's not right?

I'm sorry, sir, I just...

I told her my leave was scheduled for next week.

I wanted to surprise her.

We haven't spoken since my unit lost the Internet.

Wait...

Gunny? Someone's been in here.

Someone's been in here.

Explain that. My wife--

she's a clean freak. Like, OCD in a major way.

Who happens to be a vegan who hates that couch.

How long you been deployed? No, no. No.

This is not some personality swing.

She's a personal trainer.

Self-discipline's her life.

Her body's a temple, get it?

I mean, I had to convert the-the guest room into a gym.

This the room?

Yeah.

Where's the elliptical?

And the Bowflex?

Find what's missing, Gunny.

Drill bits weren't for woodworking.

You own a safe?

Yeah.

Bolted to the closet floor-- why?

She was trying to crack it.

Well, after breaking off two drill bits,

looks like a trip to the hardware store

would be in order.

Our victim was a thief. Yup.

Meet Mallory Bleeker.

Her prints were in AFIS. She was arrested four years ago

for unlawful entry and burglary.

She was sentenced to two years and served ten months.

Experienced thief wouldn't move bulky exercise equipment

or stay around to crack a safe.

Unless she knew she had time.

How? The same way that

I know you spent the weekend trying to sync

the Beatles' Abbey Road with Jaws.

Let me tell you something: "Octopus's Garden"

starts at the exact same time that the Kintner boy

jumps into the water with the shark.

I'm telling you, it's uncanny. Mm. Exactly what you said

And according to

Leandra Perkins' latest status update,

she is "Maxin'

and relaxin' at the pool".

Yup, with a geotag

at Virginia Soul Health Spa.

I interrupted her fire cupping session when I called.

She's been posting updates like this for the last four days.

McGEE: She's telling the whole world she's not home.

Previous posts also mention that her husband is deployed,

which garnered a lot of support and well-wishes.

And meant that the house was empty.

The truck, the food, the pillow on the couch--

our thief was living in the house while she was robbing it.

That's creepy. Either of you have a good

locksmith or moat guy?

And where's Mrs. Perkins now?

Virginia state police are escorting her home.

She was pretty upset.

The World Wide Web.

It astonishes me how people

post their privates-- well, private information--

for all to see.

Such individuals would never leave a note on the front door:

"The house is empty."

So why treat their computers differently?

I mean, such lapses in judgment

must be a gift to your profession.

Hashtag "blessed".

Still spending your nights on the Internet, Duck?

Social media, Jethro,

is a cesspool of questionable human behavior.

Just like your day job.

Well, the questionable act in this case

are multiple stab wounds with a blunt knife.

Blunt? Yeah, the-the knife

tore the skin rather than sliced it.

Dull blade's just as dangerous.

For the user as well.

I mean, a blunt knife is not efficient,

and it's an odd choice for a murder weapon.

Murder wasn't the plan.

Apparently, it became the plan. The wounds are deep.

Some of them more than four inches.