NCIS

You're late. And we're dying.

Oh, someone shoot me.

Girls' night again last night?

What was it this time? Let me guess.

Ugh. Vermouth.

Mm.

You know, that stuff's not supposed to be

guzzled-- it's an apéritif.

A what?

An apéritif.

Alcoholic beverage served before the meal

to stimulate the appetite.

Pretty fancy talk for a guy carrying

a box of stolen pickles.

These are not stolen.

The distributor over-ordered,

my cousin did some, uh,

creative inventory management.

Pickle thief cousin is going to get you

into trouble.

They're just pickles.

Tell me how some pickles

are gonna get me in trouble.

My God.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Morning.

Oh, morning. Morning.

See any good cat videos lately?

Did I miss something?

No, just making small talk.

Ah.

Hey, is that a new shirt?

It's really white.

No. I actually made a New Year's resolution

to separate my whites from my col...

You looking for this?

"New Year's Resolutions" by Tim McGee?

You went into my desk?

Look at that. "Number four, lock my desk."

You've already failed.

All right, give me that.

Who makes a New Year's resolution to stop watching

cat videos?

A lonely federal agent

who may be in need of a cat.

What are your New Year's resolutions, huh?

You got to see mine. Show me yours.

He stopped drinking coffee.

No, I did not.

Although that would be a good one.

What? No, no, not you. Agent Gibbs.

What? Gibbs doesn't make New Year's resolutions.

It's not a resolution. I overheard him

talking to Dr. Mallard.

Gibbs is going in for a checkup and his doctor

told him to avoid caffeine for

72 hours.

Mm-mm, that seems... unwise.

That could kill him. Or worse.

T-The guy-guy's scary enough when he's properly medicated.

Can't imagine what he'll be like with caffeine withdrawal.

Can only imagine

someone taking away King Kong's bananas.

I'm not going to turn around.

Good idea.

That's a good analogy, Jim.

Thank you.

It wasn't the greatest, boss.

Got five bodies.

Let's go.

This is...

a lot of dead bodies.

What do you think happened?

You tell me.

Uh...

Looks like they all shot each other.

Some kind of Mexican standoff.

Interestingly enough,

that term is of Australian origin.

At least, according to the Cambridge

Advanced Learner's Dictionary.

Though it's unattributed, so I have my doubts.

Mm, good to know.

Where should we start?

Right here. The captain.

Captain Sharon Hanover, 43.

A desk jockey at the Pentagon who

apparently also likes to get into gunfights?

Let's get some bags.

McGEE: Boss, spoke with the owner.

None of the bodies are employees.

Did he recognize anybody? No, but he's

acting a little squirrelly.

I don't know nothing.

Yeah, you said that. So we're done here?

No.

Every time you say you don't know nothing,

it makes me think you know something.

Yeah, it's a real

pickle. Alice.

There something you want to tell us?

No.

If you don't tell him about the pickles, I will.

What's the deal with the pickles?

No, ma'am, you can't walk up through here.

I just have to go inside. No, no, no, no,

no, no. You see the yellow line?

You can't cross the yellow line. What are you gonna to do, arrest me?

I'll be right back.

Ooh. Hold the pickle.

And you have no idea who I am,

you overgrown, armed Smurf.

I need to see agent Gibbs and I need to see him now.

You're gonna have to wait.

All right, Officer 9-60,

thank you very much, Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Mr. Wilson. What's going on?

You know this woman? My ex-wife.

Hello, J.

And that one?

Also...

my ex-wife.

Aw, look at him. He didn't know whether

to run or wet himself. I like it.

Fear is sexy.

You two know each other?

Heads up. Lady Octopus sighting.

Well, he's not running.

Hope he has a clean pair of underwear.

He didn't wear underwear when we were married.

I'm...

gonna go someplace else.

Works for me.

What's she doing here?

- And who is she with? - Number two.

That's wife number two.

We have a visual confirmation.

Well, Jethro, you gonna say anything

or did your tongue finally shrivel up and die?

You two know each other?

What, are you and Tobias the only two exes

that get to be friends?

We met at an emotional dwarf support group.

- That's a good one, I like that. - : Thanks.

What are you doing here?

I brought her. You two need to talk.

And we all know that's not something you're interested in.

Got that right.

So I suggested that we...

Ambush me at a crime scene so I can't get away?

Get back to work.

Sorry, boss, we-we were just taking these cases back to...

Your final resting place?

There's a thing up there.

I can't talk right now.

- Then I'll wait. - That's not gonna work.

Okay, okay, let's compromise.

We'll got back to NCIS and meet you there once you're done here.

Do I have a choice? Well, that depends--

how do you feel about spending the next

six months being audited?

By me.

Victim number one, Staff Sergeant Samson Delgado.

Teaches combat training at Quantico.

Likes pumping iron,

hiking, and pumping iron.

Victim number two--

Chief Petty Officer Beau Lordin.

Just got back from Afghanistan,

where he received a commendation

for saving two locals from a land mine.

Yeesh.

Uh, you weren't supposed to see that, boss.

But, uh, now that you did,

we were just wondering...

Wife number two--

she's the one you caught in bed with the other guy?

I wasn't wondering that.

Uh, me, neither.

It was just me, then. Moving on.

All five victims have stellar records.

Nothing to indicate any criminal activity.

Anything in common?

Uh, yes, they all failed to report for duty last week.

There's something else, boss, but I'm not

quite sure what to make of it.

They're all late paying their taxes.

They've paid enough late fees to buy a small bank

in the Caymans. It could be nothing.

Run it down. But we're gonna run it down.

Find out how our victims ended up in that diner.

Okay.

What did we learn?

I can't tell you how our victims ended up in the diner,

but do I have a good idea of

what happened once they got there.

Our male victims surrounded our female victim.

She was here.

She got off the first shot.

Male number one never even fired his weapon.